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Doesn't suffer fools well
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,740
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Last one...
Michael Jackson Heads for Paris, Fox News, June 28, 2006:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,201294,00.html
Michael Jackson is moving from Bahrain to "Europe", as his press release and publicity advised yesterday.
But I am told that Jackson is likely going to settle in Paris if he can find the money to buy a suitable home. He's already nixed moves to London and to Germany, two places where he at least has constituencies. Paris is the likely choice for Jackson.
"He wants to be in a place where people can meet with him easily," says a source. "Bahrain was not that place."
Jackson was recently photographed in Paris, being pushed through the Tuileries in a wheelchair, wearing pajamas and sunglasses, shaded by an umbrella.
Yesterday was a big day in Jacko World. He fired his Bahraini lawyers, Los Angeles accountant Alan Whitman, recently hired manager Guy Holmes and severed ties with the people who've generously paid his way for the last year.
Heard on Leno, June 30, 2006:
According to the "New York Post", Michael Jackson announced that he may be moving to Paris. Well you thought the French hated us before. They'll probably think he is one of those mimes.
The Baffling Case of Jacko, the Gay Porn King, and Bags of Cash, The Independent, July 2, 2006:
http://news.independent.co.uk/world/...cle1153653.ece
While Michael Jackson holes up in Bahrain, his legal problems are piling up in California, where two lawsuits are casting new light on his bizarre lifestyle and lavish spending habits, as well as further eroding his rapidly depleting bank balance.
Testimony has now begun in a breach-of-contract trial in Santa Monica which pits Jackson against Marc Schaffel, his former associate and financial adviser. Mr. Schaffel, who produced gay porn videos before forming business links with Jackson in 2001, claims the singer owes him $3 million in expenses, salary and cash loans.
Another lawsuit, brought by Jackson's former manager Dieter Wiesner, seeks £45m from the embattled former King of Pop and is due to be heard later this year. Both of the lawsuits are backed up by tape recordings of rambling and sometimes incoherent telephone conversations Jackson had with the two men.
The trial is providing yet another look into the strange and eccentric world of Michael Jackson, where money is delivered in paper bags and price tags are never questioned. In pre-trial depositions, Mr. Schaffel said the singer was constantly asking for money to support his lifestyle. He said that when Jackson wanted large amounts of money he would telephone and say "supersize them".
Jackson's domestic life has not been going well either. He has lost his appeal against a ruling in February that gave his ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, parental responsibilities for their two children, Prince Michael, nine, and Paris, eight.
Jackson Checks In to Check Out Tax Breaks for Artists, The Sunday Times - Ireland, July 2, 2006:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article...252647,00.html
Michael Jackson's new management team is checking out the benefits of Ireland's tax incentives for creative artists, writes Jan Battles.
The pop star, acquitted of child molestation charges in California last year, has been in Ireland for the past 10 days "on personal business". But a move could become permanent after his advisers study the artists' exemption scheme introduced by Charles Haughey in 1969.
Heard on Letterman, July 14, 2006:
Michael Jackson is going to move to Ireland. He's already found a cottage in a small village known as Glenn Creepy.
He's already being sued by a leprechaun.
Heard on Leno, July 17, 2006:
It was so hot in Encino that Michael Jackson actually stopped at a young boy's lemonade stand and just bought some lemonade.
Heard on Leno, July 18, 2006:
How creepy is this? A Dutch court has given approval for a new political party whose main goal is to lower the age of sexual consent from 16 to 12. Today Michael Jackson was seen shopping for wooden shoes.
Heard on Letterman, August 28, 2006:
Here's some new from California. A fire was started near Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. There was some dry grass and they think someone started a fire. Now I think the blaze was caused by some concerned parents.
They say that fire has them puzzled and is of suspicious origin - but so is Michael Jackson.
Heard on Leno, September 18, 2006:
Are you all watching "Survivor: Apartheid"? In this edition of "Survivor" the tribes have been broken up into ethnic groups; whites, blacks, Asians, and Hispanics. The writers are Jewish.
If Michael Jackson was a contestant on the show I wonder which tribe he would be a part of?
The next season of "Survivor" will feature Christians versus Muslims in "Survivor: Baghdad Island".
Favorite Humphrey Bogart Quote of Celebrities on Conan, September 19, 2006:
Michael Jackson: Here's looking at you kid.
Michael Jackson's Comeback Scuttled, September 26, 2006:
http://entertainment.tv.yahoo.com/en...930698000.html
Two Seas or not Two Seas? Michael Jackson has opted for the latter.
The self-proclaimed King of Pop has split with the Bahrain-based record label just five months after signing on, pushing his once thriving music career into an ever deepening hibernation.
But we may not have heard the last of Jackson just yet.
The Gloved One has already formed the Michael Jackson Company to oversee his dwindling finances (memo to the bean counters: You can start by removing the personal magician from the payroll).
After a sojourn in the Middle East, Jackson is currently holed up in England. His little sister Janet confirmed to Oprah Winfrey Monday that he and his children had no immediate plans to return to the States.
Heard on Leno, September 26, 2006:
As you know Hugo Chavez insulted President Bush last week at the U.N. This upset many Americans. It goes across party lines. Democrat Representative Charlie Rangel said it's one thing for Americans to criticize President Bush, but not okay for foreign leaders to do it on American soil. Sort of like Catholics making fun of Catholics. Jews making fun of Jews. Or Michael Jackson making fun of child molesters.
Heard on Leno, September 29, 2006:
Finally, Fox News is reporting that Michael Jackson's custody battle with his ex-wife over the kids is going to be settled. She'll get them on weekends. And in return, he'll be allowed to see other children.
Heard on Leno, October 31, 2006:
Today is Halloween -- or as American kids call it "Fat Tuesday!"
Michael Jackson calls trick-or-treating "room service".
Dilbert's Weasel Awards Poll Results http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilber...ults_2006.html
Weaseliest Celebrity?
Tom Cruise 12520 votes
Michael Jackson 10263 votes
Mel Gibson 7819 votes
Paris Hilton 7558 votes
Charlie Sheen 1926 votes
Heard on Conan, November 16, 2006:
Last night at an awards show, Michael Jackson made an appearance and he was introduced by Lindsay Lohan. People in the audience kept asking, "Who are those two skinny white chicks?"
Heard on Conan, November 28, 2006:
Michael Jackson is planning to follow in the footsteps of Madonna and Angelina Jolie, and do charity work in Africa. Jackson says he wants to get to Africa soon - before all the good kids are taken.
Heard on Leno, December 8, 2006:
The House Ethics Committee has found that Mark Foley didn't do anything illegal. They said it was willful ignorance, but he broke no law. What law? The Cardinal Bernard Law?
Who was the chair of this committee? Michael Jackson?
Heard on Leno, December 27, 2006 (rerun):
Michael Jackson is planning a Christmas party for 1,000 of his fans for December 19th in Japan. A Michael Jackson Christmas party. Two things you don't want there - mistletoe and the Little Drummer Boy.
Heard on Kimmel, January 26, 2007:
Michael Jackson's back home in the USA. Parents are being warned to keep their children away from cotton candy machines, bounce houses and the circus.
Heard on Leno, January 30, 2007:
Michael Jackson's brother Jermaine says that he wants Michael to convert to Islam. Islam? How about converting to the human race -- try that first.
Heard on Conan, January 30, 2007:
Michael Jackson in the news. Jermaine Jackson said on Monday he wants his brother Michael to convert to Islam. Michael said, "No thank you, I've already had 72 virgins."
Heard on Letterman, February 5, 2007:
Congratulations to the city of Indianapolis. The Colts beat the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. After the game, a confused President Bush phoned the locker room and asked to speak to Janet Jackson. Actually you have to hand it to the Colts . . . I believe that was the Bears' strategy.
Heard on Letterman, February 14, 2007:
Michael Jackson has introduced his own line of Valentine's candy. It's tremendous. It's white chocolate with a nut inside.
Heard on Conan, February 20, 2007:
Michael Jackson is reportedly upset because he was unable to get tickets to the NBA All-Star Game. However, Michael felt better about missing the game after someone explained to him that Jason Kidd is actually a grown man.
Heard on Letterman, March 6, 2007 (rerun):
We are having a heat wave. It is over 100 degrees. Michael Jackson went swimming in the adult pool.
Heard on Letterman, March 14, 2007:
Michael Jackson is charging $3,400 a person to shake hands with the guy. If you want to, for $3,400 you can shake hands with Michael Jackson. Heck, if I want to spend a minute with a creep, I'll take the subway.
Heard on Leno, May 24, 2007:
Some of Michael Jackson's personal processions will be auctioned off in Las Vegas the end of this month. The one thing that Michael won't be parting with though, is his Pinocchio doll. Do you know about this? Michael will not sell his Pinocchio doll. You know, on the off chance, that one day it might became a real live boy.
Heard on Ferguson, May 24, 2007:
Michael Jackson is in the Middle East. Bahrain. He's appearing at a private birthday party for $10 million. It's a children's birthday party. It's only $10 million, but it's all Michael could afford.
Heard on Conan, June 15, 2007:
It's been reported that during the brief period that Paris Hilton was out of jail, she received a consultation from Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon. Michael's plastic surgeon told Paris, "There's nothing I can do for you. You're already a white lady."
Heard on Conan, July 10, 2007:
Celebrity wishes for the new Harry Potter movie:
Nicole Richie: To see Harry and Hermione kiss.
Michael Jackson: To see Harry turn thirteen.
Heard on Leno, August 8, 2007:
Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. She says the problem with her husband's fundraising campaign is she can't make him black, and she can't make him a woman. That's the same problem with Michael Jackson's people.
Heard on Letterman, October 1, 2007:
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Marrying Michael Jackson
10. Are OJ Simpson, Phil Spector and Robert Blake spoken for?
9. Does the hyperbaric chamber fit two?
8. Technically, is Michael the bride or the groom?
7. Is the best man a llama?
6. Will it bother me when he uses my make-up?
5. If I do this, which one of us will people call 'the crazy one'?
4. Can I put up with being a 'football widow' during the NFL season?
3. What would Liza Minnelli do?
2. Will he let me raise our monkeys Jewish?
1. How long can I put off consummating this thing?
Heard on Letterman, October 2, 2007:
Top Ten Ways George W. Bush Can Boost His Approval Rating
10. Play comical slide-whistle every time he screws up
9. Release NSA wiretaps of Jessica Biel's hot phone conversations
8. Tell everyone "W" stands for "Whoa, this guy's awesome!"
7. Help O.J. find the real memorabilia
6. Send 20,000 troops to stop Michael Jackson's wedding
5. Devote weekly radio address to discuss what's happening on "The Hills"
4. What do you mean "boost"? Everything's great!
3. Co-star in a movie with a monkey
2. Go on television; Say, "You know what? I did lose in 2000"; Hand over the keys to Gore
1. Appoint blue ribbon commission to find out what happened to the Mets
Heard on Leno, October 5, 2007:
Hillary Clinton says that she wants give every baby born in America $5,000. Today Michael Jackson said, "I'll make it $6,000."
Heard on Letterman, October 9, 2007:
News from the world of show business. Michael Jackson will appear on a British television show as a teacher for 14-year-old kids. I don't see a problem there.
Heard on Letterman, September 1, 2008:
By the way, another celebrity birthday -- Michael Jackson... Michael Jackson's having a birthday, 50 years old today. Fifty years old today, yep, and it's also his 20th anniversary of being creepy. But he had his annual physical, and the doctor said that Michael Jackson is in great shape for 50. As a matter of fact, he said he has the body of a much younger woman.
Heard on Conan, September 1, 2008:
Michael Jackson turned 50 today and he said he wants to spend the day watching cartoons with his kids. Then tomorrow, he'll go back to watching cartoons with someone else's kids.
Heard on Ferguson, September 2, 2008:
Michael Jackson turned 50 last week. He's technically a senior citizen. He'll be saying, "You kids get onto my lawn."
Michael Jackson 'becomes a Muslim and changes name to Mikaeel', November 21, 2008:
Beleaguered pop star Michael Jackson has converted to Islam and changed his name to Mikaeel, it has been claimed today.
The 50-year-old singer, who has previously been photographed wearing a traditional Arab women's veil, reportedly became a Muslim in a ceremony at a friend's house in Los Angeles.
The singer, who was raised as a Jehovah's Witness, is said to have sat on the floor and worn a small hat while an imam officiated at the home of Steve Porcaro, who composed music on his Thriller album.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz...s-Mikaeel.html
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/news...o-Mikaeel.html
http://www.upi.com/Entertainment_New...3801227284529/
Heard on Ferguson, January 26, 2009:
Here's an interesting story: Broadway producers are putting together a musical based on Michael Jackson's "Thriller". It's an unbelievable story about an innocent young boy who turns into an undead freak. I don't know what the musical is about...
Heard on Ferguson, February 16, 2009:
Doctors are saying that Michael Jackson might have a flesh-eating infection, which is very surprising to me, because I'm thinking they're parts to Michael Jackson that are still flesh?
Jacko's Junko: 2,000 Of Michael Jackson's Items Going To Auction, February 18, 2009:
LOS ANGELES - The King of Pop is lightening his load.
At an April auction featuring more than 2,000 personal items, Michael Jackson is set to sell his American Music Award for "Thriller," a velvet cape given to him by his children for Father's Day in 1998, a pair of rhinestone-trimmed socks from 1981, a basketball signed by Michael Jordan and his own original artwork.
The 50-year-old singer is also parting with his platinum and gold records, a customized Harley Davidson and a Rolls Royce limousine.
The five-day sale was announced in December by Julien's Auctions, but the full extent of the items available wasn't known until Tuesday, when the auction house released images of the lots. The auction begins April 21.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/17/jackos-junko-2000-of The Collection of Michael Jackson, King of Pop: a Once in a Lifetime Auction Featuring The Personal Property of Michael Jackson
April 22nd - 25th, 2009
Exhibition: 9900 Wilshire Blvd in Beverly Hills, California 90210, Adjacent to The Beverly Hilton
April 14th - April 21st (10:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m. Daily)
$20.00 per person for Exhibition and Auction
Auction: 9900 Wilshire Blvd in Beverly Hills, California 90210, Adjacent to The Beverly Hilton
April 22nd: Session I: Garden Statuary and Outdoor Furniture, Session II: Furniture and Decorative Arts
April 23rd: Session III: Furniture and Decorative Arts, Session IV: Antiques, Paintings and Fine Decorative Art
April 24th: Session V: Amusements, Arcade Games and Disneyana. Session VI: Amusements, Arcade Games and Disneyana
April 25th: Session VII: Memorabilia From the Life and Career of Michael Jackson, Session VIII: Memorabilia From the Life and Career of Michael Jackson
http://www.juliensauctions.com/
Heard on Kimmel, March 5, 2009:
Michael Jackson held a press conference to announce 10 shows he's planning. For a person who treats his face like a Mr. Potato Head, he looks pretty good.
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/J/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/msohtml1/01/clip_image001.jpg[/IMG]
Poem up for auction
Michael Jackson's poem with the refrain
Children of the world, we'll do it
With song and dance and innocent bliss
And the soft caress of a loving kiss
We'll do it.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/ries/michael...aughty-poem-6y
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-l..._b_172541.html
Heard on Ferguson, March 10, 2009:
Michael Jackson has announced some concert dates. At the press conference he gave what looked like a Nazi salute. Nothing says I've still got the crazy like a Nazi salute.
A lot of people say Michael Jackson is a freak. I say no. He's just a disturbed man-child lost in a creepy dream world.
Recent jokes
Jackson Property Sale Cancelled, April 15, 2009:
A planned auction of more than 1,000 items from the former home of pop star Michael Jackson has been cancelled.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7999307.stm
http://edition.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/...ckson.auction/
http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/20...nd-its-off/?hp
http://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment...ion-cancelled/
http://www.forbes.com/2009/04/14/mic...l-jackson.html
Heard on Kimmel, April 29, 2009:
Everyone in Mexico right now looks like Michael Jackson with those face masks they're wearing.
W&M breaks simultaneous 'Thriller' dance record, May 15, 2009:
A group of College of William & Mary students has won the world record for most people assembled to dance Michael Jackson's "Thriller" simultaneously in one place. The 242-person routine was organized by longtime Jackson superfan Kevin Dua, who was notified by Guiness World Records on Friday morning of the accomplishment. The previous record was 147 people in an event held last summer at a British secondary school.
http://www.seattlepi.com/pop/1403ap_..._thriller.html
http://www.wvec.com/news/topstories/...d.68a8eb5.html
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090515/...king__thriller
http://www.salon.com/wires/ap/entert...ng__thriller_/
http://music.aol.ca/article/wm-break...record/625263/
From the White House Files: A Fight Over Michael Jackson, June 26, 2009
The death of Michael Jackson on Thursday recalled his brush a quarter century ago with an aide to President Ronald Reagan -- John G. Roberts Jr., who would go on to become chief justice of the United States.
http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2...el-jackson/?hp
http://bmkk.tumblr.com/post/11378257...l-jackson-from
From chewbaccaspyder Fri Jun 26 19:54:01 2009
I heard Micheal Jackson requested to be cremated in his will but they can't do it because burning plastic would create too much air pollution.
From mountbatten Fri Jun 26 20:08:01 2009
Official cause of death: "The Boogie". The Sunshine, Moonlight and the Good Times were released after extensive questioning showed they could not be blamed.
The body bag had a lesser plastic content than its occupant.
... and you thought he smelled "Bad" before.
He's releasing two new posthumous albums: "Chiller" and "Gangrenous".
Q. What's a Jackson fo(u)r?
A. Nothing. That's just the number that remain!
He should have been the tinman in "The Wiz", at least that way he woulda got a new heart.
His heart just stopped - "It had obviously Got Enough".
At least he won't need makeup for the Thriller video remake.
Weird Al should do a tribute song, perhaps "Man doll in the wind".
I guess he decided it was time to just Beat It.... beat it, beat it, beat it....
Farrah Fawcett arrives in Heaven on the morning of June 25, 2009 and St. Peter asks if she had any last wish. She says she wants all children on Earth to be safe. So God snaps his fingers and Michael Jackson immediately has a cardiac arrest.
http://www.boingboing.net/2009/06/25...l-jackson.html
View J. Chandler's deposition http://thesmokinggun.com/archive/mjdec1.html at The Smoking Gun http://www.thesmokinggun.com
Michael Jackson settled the lawsuit for about $20 million, and no criminal charges were ever filed. Michael Jackson fan Heidi has comments at mjfanmail.html#heidi
Warning: The deposition contains some graphic accounts. Skip over it if you do not wish to read them.
DECLARATION OF J. CHANDLER
I, J. Chandler, declare:
1. I am the plaintiff in this lawsuit against Michael Jackson. I was born on January 11, 1980 and am 13 years old. I am currently in the eighth grade. I first met Michael Jackson when I was five years old at a restaurant that my mother, stepfather and I often went to.
2. In about May of 1992 I met Michael Jackson again at my stepfather's car rental business, Rent-a-Wreck. My stepfather called me and told me that Michael Jackson was at Rent-a-Wreck and that I should come down and see him. Later I learned from my stepfather that Michael Jackson's car had broken down and that he was at Rent-a-Wreck to get another car while his was being repaired.
3. After I met Michael Jackson at Rent-a-Wreck he began calling me on the telephone. From about May of 1992 until about February 1993 (when I first spent the weekend with Michael Jackson at Neverland), I received many telephone calls from Michael Jackson. For at least part of this time Michael Jackson was on tour and he would be calling me from various places throughout the world. On occasion these telephone conversations lasted as long as three hours. Michael Jackson and I talked about video games, the Neverland Ranch, water fights, and famous people that he knew.
4. In about February 1993, my mother, Lily (my half sister), and I went to Neverland at the invitation of Michael Jackson. The three of us stayed together in the guest area. I did not spend the nights with Michael Jackson. This was a weekend trip.
5. I spent the entire weekend with Michael Jackson. We went on jet skis in a small lake he had, saw the animals that he kept at Neverland, played video games and went on golf cart rides. One evening he took Lily and me to Toys 'R Us and we were allowed to get anything we wanted. Although the store was closed, it was opened just for our visit.
6. In late March 1993, my mother, Lily and I went to Las Vegas as a guest of Michael Jackson. We flew on a private airplane. We stayed at a large suite at the Mirage Hotel. My mother and Lily shared a bedroom. We stayed at the Mirage Hotel about a week. One night Michael Jackson and I watched the Exorcist in Michael Jackson's bedroom. When the movie was over, I was scared. Michael Jackson suggested that I spend the night with him, which I did. Although we slept in the same bed there was no physical contact.
7. From that time, whenever Michael Jackson and I were together, we slept in the same bed. We spent two or three additional nights in the same bed at Las Vegas. Again, there was no physical contact.
8. After I returned from the Las Vegas trip, my friendship with Michael Jackson became much closer. My mother Lily and I started making frequent trips to Neverland. At Neverland I would always sleep in bed with Michael Jackson. I also slept in bed with Michael Jackson at my house and at hotels in New York, Florida and Europe. We were together until our relationship ended in July 1993. During our relationship Michael Jackson had sexual contact with me on many occasions.
9. Physical contact between Michael Jackson and myself increased gradually. The first step was simply Michael Jackson hugging me. The next step was for him to give me a brief kiss on the cheek. He then started kissing me on the lips, first briefly and then for a longer period of time. He would kiss me while we were in bed together.
10. The next step was when Michael Jackson put his tongue in my mouth. I told him I did not like that. Michael Jackson started crying. He said there was nothing wrong with it. He said that just because most people believe something is wrong, doesn't make it so.
11. Michael Jackson told me that another of his young friends would kiss him with an open mouth. Michael Jackson said that I did not love him as much as this other friend.
12. The next step was when Michael Jackson rubbed up against me in bed. The next step was when we would lie on top of each other with erections.
13. During May of 1993, my mother, Lily and I went with Michael Jackson to Monaco in Europe. Michael Jackson and I both had colds so we stayed in the room all day while my mother and Lily were out. That's when the whole thing really got out of hand. We took a bath together. This was the first time that we had seen each other naked. Michael Jackson named certain of his children friends that masturbated in front of him.
14. Michael Jackson then masturbated in front of me. He told me that when I was ready, he would do it for me. While we were in bed, Michael Jackson put his hand underneath my underpants. He then masturbated me to a climax. After that Michael Jackson masturbated me many times both with his hand and with his mouth.
15. Michael Jackson had me suck one nipple and twist the other nipple while Michael Jackson masturbated. On one occasion when Michael Jackson and I were in bed together Michael Jackson grabbed my buttock and kissed me while he put his tongue in my ear. I told him I didn't like that. Michael Jackson started to cry.
16. Michael Jackson told me that I should not tell anyone what had happened. He said that this was a secret.
17. My relationship with Michael Jackson ended when my father obtained custody of me in July 1993 and I started living permanently at my father's house.
I declare under penalty of perjury that the foregoing is true and correct.
Executed on December 28, 1993, at Santa Monica, California.
J. Chandler
Chandler deposition
http://www.kingofpopnews.com/chandler_statement.html
Wikipedia overview of the Chandler case
Transcript of an interview of Chandler
http://web.archive.org/web/200410181...et/jordie.html
Payment to Chandler in 1994
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0616041jacko1.html
Was Michael Jackson framed? The Untold Story By Mary A. Fisher, GQ, October 1994
http://www.mjnewsonline.com/mj.txt
Review of the GQ article
http://web.archive.org/web/200502080...t/GQFinal.html
Where is CourtTV http://courttv.com/ when you need it???
The People of The State of California v. Michael Joseph Jackson
According to http://www.bottledwaterweb.com/articles/avw-0003.htm Michael Jackson orders 32 cases of Evian bottled water at a time so that he can bathe in it.
For a 1996 performance in Taipei, Michael Jackson requested a hotel room remodeled to add a dance floor and a fully equipped private kitchen. The hotel also placed a large-screen TV and a VCR at the foot of his bed so that he could watch tapes of his own concerts, plus a selection of 500 movies (mainly Disney, animated and Charlie Chaplin films), or play his favorite Nintendo games. Michael Jackson's suite, decorated with his trademark black and red balloons, was stocked with his favorite snacks -- peanut butter sandwiches, chicken burgers, Twix bars, M&Ms and 200 cases of Evian mineral water, in which he reputedly bathes. http://www.asiaweek.com/asiaweek/96/1025/feat2.html
Q: What did Michael Jackson say to his credit card?
A: You are not alone, I am plastic too.
Michael Jackson's Special to Rerun on CBS (Jan 14, 2002) http://www.yomomma.com/2002_01_13_archive.html:
Oh, don't call it a come back, he's been here for months!
Strangely enough, since the special first aired in November, Michael's changed faces over 12 times.
Stay tuned next month, when CBS will air a special "One Month Anniversary of the Rerun of the 30 Year Anniversary Michael Jackson Special".
The highlight of the special is when Michael is reunited with his brothers, the Jackson Five: Tito Jackson, Jessie Jackson, Joshua Jackson, Hugh Jackman, and Jack Nicholson. What a strange family they have!
The highlight of this broadcast will be a never-before-shown performance of Britney Spears with Michael Jackson.
Britney Spears and Michael Jackson have known each other for a long time, since they both use the same plastic surgeon.
Apparently, Justin Timberlake is now really worried that Britney will move on to a new gay boyfriend.
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Taping of the Jackson Family Special from David Letterman, February 21, 1994
10. How did Tito get the night off from Domino's?
9. Once again, please welcome the Jackson family lawyers!
8. No kidding? He's my plastic surgeon too!
7. That's odd ... I don't remember a Jackson named 'Nipsey'.
6. More fudge, Miss Taylor?
5. Siegfried-Tito, Tito-Siegfried, Roy-Tito, Tito-Roy ...
4. Good News. Brooke has agreed to continue pretending she's dating Michael.
3. What's LaToya doing with that lead pipe?
2. It's great to see Michael grabbing himself again.
1. Sing something, you weirdo!
Top Ten Signs You're Tired of the Olympics from David Letterman, February 25, 1994
10. All that's left of your Olympic fever is a dry hacking cough.
9. You imagine your hands around the throat of that coke-drinking polar bear.
8. You say, "Oh good, 'Hangin with Mr. Cooper' is on tonight."
7. Whenever the Olympic theme music ends you find you've put another fork into the back of your hand.
6. You're NBC President Warren Littlefield.
5. You decide against naming your baby girl Picabo.
4. Your name is Bonnie Blair and you've started using your five gold medals as coasters.
3. Actually watched "The Jackson Family Honors".
2. You beg your son to let you return home to Indiana.
1. No longer laugh at the name Gillooly.
Top Ten Rejected Holiday Specials from David Letterman, December 10, 1996
10. Gallagher Smashes Melons in Bethlehem
9. A Creepy, Creepy Christmas with Michael Jackson
8. Fox TV's "When Reindeer Attack!"
7. A Country Holiday with Martha Stewart and a Bunch of Actors Pretending to Be Her Family
6. The Grinch Who Nailed Mrs. Claus
5. Christmas at Riker's Island: It's A Wonderful 10-Years-to-Life
4. Bob Dole Remembers the Very First Christmas
3. Skunk `n' Gator's Holiday Fiesta
2. The President Who Ate Christmas
1. Richard Simmons' Fruitcake Extravaganza
Top Ten Attractions At The New Michael Jackson Theme Park from David Letterman, July 14, 1998
10. Latoya-Go-Round
9. Diseased Chimp Petting Zoo
8. Mr. Toad's Wild Hyperbaric Chamber
7. Country Bear Crotch-Grabbin' Jamboree
6. Michael's Haunted Pants
5. Guess Tito's Weight
4. Used Surgical Mask Trampoline
3. 20,000 Leagues Under The Scalpel
2. The Lipo-Coaster
1. Deposition Land
Top Ten Killer Bee Pet Peeves from David Letterman, September 14, 1994
10. Horizontal stripes make you look fat.
9. Can't sting Zsa Zsa through all that makeup.
8. Not one single killer bee in Congress.
7. Dershowitz always tacks $300 dinners onto defense tab.
6. When other bees make fun of the size of your stinger in the shower.
5. It's damn near impossible to get those little packages of airline peanuts open!
4. That Honey-nut Cheerios bee -- now there's a first class dweeb!
3. We're natural born killers, yet you don't see Oliver Stone bustin' his ass to make a film about us.
2. Plasticky aftertaste when you sting Michael Jackson.
1. What's the deal with Johnny Depp?
Top Ten Signs Connie Chung Has Gone Nuts from David Letterman, January 06, 1995
10. Signed off Evening News by french kissing Dan Rather
9. Shows up for interviews in Catwoman costume
8. Has accepted marriage proposal from Michael Jackson
7. Born to co-anchor tattoo
6. It was funny at first, but now I'm tired of her busting into my house
5. Closes every broadcast with a Helen Reddy song
4. Thinks CBS eye is watching her in dressing room
3. Yesterday at CBS commissary, knocked Mike Wallace senseless over the last burrito
2. Now trying to have a baby with Richard Simmons
1. While in bed with Maury, keeps yelling, "This just in!"
Top Ten Things Overheard at Graceland on Elvis' 60th Birthday from David Letterman, January 09, 1995
10. It's incredible -- he's actually gained weight since he died!
9. Did that recipe call for eight or nine cups of lard?
8. I'm sorry, Mr. Jackson, the monkey will have to wait outside the gate.
7. I hear Elvis' ghost just signed an endorsement deal with Zima.
6. Put that gun away -- this ain't the White House.
5. Amazing! His bedroom still smells like peanut butter!
4. My name is Mario Cuomo, and I'll be your Graceland tour guide.
3. It could've been worse. She could have married Tito.
2. If Elvis were alive, he'd be perfect for playing 'Would you like to eat that in here?'
1. I'm not an Elvis impersonator, dammit -- I'm Roseanne!
Top Ten MTV Video Music Award Categories Michael Jackson is Nominated In from David Letterman, July 26, 1995
10. Best editing of facial features
9. Outstanding performance in ongoing police investigation
8. Weirdest male artist
7. Weirdest female artist
6. Best performance in a black and white video by artist who isn't really either
5. New video by guy with a brother named Tito
4. Best singer who talks just like Mike Tyson
3. Least life-like nose
2. Best acting in a marriage
1. Best new face
Top Ten Ways the World Would Be Different If it Were Covered With Water from David Letterman, July 28, 1995
10. Packwood putting the moves on a Manatee
9. Top prize for "The Price is Right": Towels!
8. Kevin Costner makes hideously expensive movie about life on dry land
7. It would be "The Blowfish and Hootie," my friend
6. Cab drivers would be forced to bathe whether they want to or not
5. Lots of talk on court TV about O.J.'s "bloody flippers"
4. Michael Jackson would have plastic surgery to look more like a Sea Bass
3. It would be considered perfectly good manners to leak out the window
2. I'd host the show wearing nothing but a Speedo
1. All Mets games rained out
Top Ten Good Things About Global Warming from David Letterman, January 04, 1996
10. Domino's Pizza will not be almost room temperature when it arrives.
9. No more snow for Giants fans to throw.
8. Outside chance the cast of "Friends" will spontaneously combust.
7. Boardrooms across America will begin to look like those naked pictures in National Geographic.
6. Ed Sullivan Theater will heat up to a balmy 34 degrees.
5. Fat guys can make their own gravy.
4. Canada will be able to use a whopping 9% of its landmass.
3. Real bacon will be sold on the streets of New York City (cut to vendor).
2. Can get to see what Michael Jackson really looks like when his face melts.
1. Higher temperature = more golf courses = greater chance O.J. will catch real killers.
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Grammys from David Letterman, February 29, 1996
10. Coolio's gonna put an eye out with that hair!
9. Waiter, there's a nose ring in my soup
8. I can't wait to see who wins 'Best Paternity Settlement'
7. Courtney Love, please report to Lost and Found to pick up your stash
6. Thank God Letterman isn't hosting
5. Kiss is here? I thought all those guys were dead
4. Uh oh -- they've got Eddie Vedder seated next to the guy from Ticketmaster
3. Mr. Jackson, I believe your monkey is in my seat
2. I don't care if you are the president of the United States -- get the hell out of my dressing room
1. Coolio -- Julio, Julio -- Coolio
Top Ten Good Things About Having a Clone from David Letterman, February 26, 1997
10. Send your clone to work in the morning, then spend rest of day watching UP and eating fudge.
9. The two of you can star in an adorable ad campaign for Xerox.
8. At parties, you're no longer automatically the biggest loser in the room.
7. Most interstate highways now feature fast-moving clone lane.
6. You'll get to know Michael Jackson during meetings of the Genetic Oddities Club.
5. No longer have to choose between dating Siegfried and dating Roy.
4. At some point, you'll have entire week of "Jenny Jones" shows devoted to you.
3. Can take advantage of "Clones Eat Free" special at Ponderosa.
2. Your clone can do your jail time while you continue on as First Lady of the United States.
1. Three words: frequent flier miles
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Grammys from David Letterman, February 27, 1997
10. I don't know whether it was Milli or Vanilli, but one of them just parked my car!
9. No, Dr. Kevorkian, we don't need any help with the `Unplugged' segments.
8. I just found Robert Downey Jr. asleep on my dressing room floor.
7. A confused Indonesian guy just gave a million dollars to the band, Presidents of the United States of America.
6. It's only your acceptance speech, Mrs. Clinton. You don't need a lawyer.
5. That's funny -- Marilyn Manson looks completely normal standing next to Michael Jackson.
4. They just brought in Da Noise, but Da Funk is stuck in traffic on the West Side Highway.
3. Oh my God -- Hillary Clinton just left with Rob Zombie!
2. Ellen DeGeneres announced she's a lesbian -- and so did Richard Simmons!
1. Run for your lives! It's Tiny Tim!
Top Ten Rejected Ben and Jerry Flavors from David Letterman, February 24, 1997
10. Rocky Roadkill
9. Cholesterol Chunk
8. Fudge Wapner
7. It Came from Wolf Blitzer's Beard
6. Contraceptive Crunch
5. Last Will and Testa-Mint
4. Marv Sherbert
3. Richard Simmons' Fruit Swirl
2. Michael Jackson's White Chocolate
1. Cookies 'n' Crack
Top Ten Space Alien Pick-Up Lines from David Letterman, June 25, 1997
10. How about a close encounter of the pantsless kind?
9. Set phasers on love
8. Are you a carbon-based model?
7. I'd like to wrap my 36 arms around you
6. Are you up for some experimental probing?
5. Want me to introduce you to E.T.?
4. Care to join the Million-Mile High Club?
3. Mind if I burst out of your stomach?
2. Nice asteroid
1. Hi, I'm Michael Jackson
Top Ten Bill Gates Pick-Up Lines from David Letterman, September 29, 1997
10. Haven't I downloaded naked pictures of you before?
9. Just close your eyes and pretend you're using a mouse.
8. Care to run your fingers through my ridiculous five dollar haircut?
7. You haven't lived until you've watched 'Revenge of the Nerds' on laser disc.
6. Looking at you, I'm neither micro nor soft.
5. Do you come here often? I don't, because I'm busy making billions of dollars.
4. How would you like to be my human laptop?
3. So, who do I make the check out to?
2. I beat Michael Jackson for the title of world's richest virgin.
1. I control
Top Ten Guiness Records No One Wants To Break from David Letterman, April 09, 1999
10. Longest-Running Show on CBS
9. Least-Jiggy Human
8. Sweatiest Palm
7. Most Freakish Person Named "Michael Jackson"
6. Most Times in "Price Is Right" Audience Without Being Asked to "Come On Down"
5. Greatest Number of Obscene Phone Calls Received From Tom Bosley
4. Most Times Hit In Face By a Goose While Riding A Roller Coaster
3. First Person To Circle Earth in Wet Corduroy
2. Longest-Running Marriage to Dennis Rodman
1. Longest Fingernails (On Someone Who Doesn't Realize Their Fly Is Open)
Top Ten Effects of Y2K from David Letterman, December 31, 1999
10. Stuff's gonna 'splode.
9. The Big Dipper will fall out of the sky and kill a guy in Sweden.
8. Everyone's voice will suddenly sound exactly like mine.
7. Michael Jackson will finally look in the mirror and say, "My God, what the hell is wrong with me?"
6. There will be a new letter added to the English alphabet--"Ngeepee."
5. A computer glitch will force Bill Gates to pay off every American's credit card.
4. No more answering the phone by saying: "Yello!"
3. Every kid will lose interest in that Pokemon crap.
2. Ricky Martin will become even more "mantastic."
1. Despite assurances from high-ranking officials that it could not happen, refuting decades of conventional scientific wisdom, flying the in the face of smug predictions by so-called experts, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese will become even cheesier.
Top Ten Lisa Marie Presley/Nicolas Cage Explanations from David Letterman, November 29, 2002
10. After three months, people grow apart.
9. She wanted Italian for dinner. He wanted Chinese. So they decided to call it quits.
8. Their divorce was part of an obscure provision of the Homeland Security Bill.
7. They owed favors to a couple of divorce lawyers.
6. I don't know, we were dehydrated?
5. Nicolas gradually realized that he wasn't going to meet Elvis.
4. Another Saddam trick to deflect attention from his weapons program.
3. He's always busy making movies and she's always busy with... uh... whatever it is she does.
2. Lisa Marie intends to match Jennifer Lopez marriage-for-marriage.
1. Once a woman's been married to Michael Jackson, she has certain expectations.
Top Ten Answers To The Question, "How Cold Is It?" from David Letterman, January 21, 2003
10. It's so cold, Saddam Hussein has begun stockpiling weapons-grade tomato soup.
9. It's so cold, Jennifer Lopez has been downgraded from "hot" to "lukewarm".
8. It's so cold, I had to defrost my mail.
7. It's so cold, exotic dancers only removing the first few layers of clothing.
6. It's so cold, people are coming into the Ed Sullivan Theater to warm up.
5. It's so cold, Richard Simmons is wearing long pants.
4. It's so cold, Hans Blix is off to search for chemical weapons in Cancun.
3. It's so cold, people are flocking to "Live with Regis and Kelly!" for the artificial warmth.
2. It's so cold, not only is Ted Williams frozen, but so is Barry Bonds.
1. It's so cold, Michael Jackson is dangling himself in front of a fireplace.
Top Ten Signs You Chose A Bad Plastic Surgeon from David Letterman, July 21, 2006
10. You ask about his credentials, he shows you his fishing license
9. For an extra $89.95, he'll paint your car
8. He is a graduate of Johns Goodman University
7. You can now hear through your nose
6. Some doctors leave their watch inside a patient, he once left a clock/radio
5. You're mistaken for Kim Jong-Il more than you used to be
4. Your appointment is busted up by a "Dateline" news crew
3. During your exam, he gets naked and draws dotted lines all over himself
2. Twice a month, flies to Mexico for "parts"
1. Sitting in the waiting room: Kenny Rogers
An aspiring young pop singer is approached by his manager who can take this boy to a special 'Music Heaven' to make him a great success in music. They arrive in this 'Music heaven'.
Manager: Look kid, this is the place to be....look there's Jimmy Hendrix, there's Elvis Presley.
Singer: Oh yeah...and look, there's John Lennon...
Manager: That's right kid....this is the place to be.
Singer: Hold on...this can't be right...
Manager: What's that Kid...
Singer: Well look over there...on top of that lighted laser partition..... IT'S MICHAEL JACKSON!!!
Manager: (starts to giggle) Oh no kid....that's just God...he thinks he's Michael Jackson.
If
1: god is not black or white
2: god is not male or female
3: god is not straight or gay
Then: god must be Michael Jackson
Q: Did you know they're putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?
A: Fans get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.
Q: What kind of milk is Michael Jackson?
A: Half and half.
Did you hear that Michael Jackson bleached his skin again?
He's so white that if he bleaches his skin any more, he'll become invisible.
When he walks down the beach, you will see just his foot prints moonwalking in the sand and hear an occasional "Hee hee hee!"
Q: Why did Michael Jackson want to join the Branch Davidians?
A: So he could be black again.
Q: What do you get if you cross Michael Jackson with Arnold Schwarzenegger?
A: Michael Warzenegger (Michael Was-a-nigga) (No disrespect intended to Arnold Schwarzenegger or black people)
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/J/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/msohtml1/01/clip_image002.jpg[/IMG]
Michael Jackson as a Diva
Michael Jackson has just commissioned his plastic surgeon to do just one more operation.
His request to the surgeon was to do anything to keep people from staring at his nose.
The doctor surprised Michael and came up with a solution.
Upon the viewing after the bandages were removed, all agreed that the doctor was very creative and the operation was a huge success.
Nobody will look at his nose again.
Q: Who is the greatest man ever?
A: Michael Jackson, because he was born a poor black boy in Gary, Indiana, and grew up to become a rich white woman in Europe.
Only in America can a poor lil black kid turn into a rich white woman!
Michael Jackson went out on the front porch to get the newspaper so he could read the latest about himself. The door closed and locked behind him, so he had to use the doorbell. His mother opened the door and looked out. After an exchange of words, she called to her husband, "There's a white woman with a monkey on the front porch. Claims she's our son."
Q: How does Michael Jackson resemble the Cincinatti Reds?
A: They're both whiter than they should be.
Q: What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called?
A: The Hand that Robs the Cradle.
MJ has signed a contract with Disney for a new movie -- "Honey I enlarged the kid!"
Q: What's Michael's next movie?
A: Honey I Blew the Kid.
Q: What will they call the upcoming movie about Michael Jackson?
A: The African Queen.
Q: What's Michael's favorite group?
A: New Kids on the Cock.
Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night?
A: Hanson.
Michael's new group: The Jackson Five and Under!
What are Michael Jackson's favorite sayings?
* There's a sucker born every minute,
* Kids do the darndest things.
* Tricks are for kids.
Little known fact:
While in San Diego [ in July 1989 ], Dan Quayle called Michael Jackson and congratulated him on the 20th Anniversary of his moonwalk.
Bart Simpson quote:
"There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson."
The other night in Las Vegas Michael Jackson went to see Siegfried & Roy show.
Afterwards Siegfried & Roy said, "Well, that was the first show we weren't the weirdest people in the room".
Top Ten Michael Jackson Marriage Tips from David Letterman, June 14, 1995
10. Mickey Mouse ears make a great birth control device.
9. Be considerate -- try not to hog the monkey.
8. Keep the moonwalking crap to a minimum.
7. Apologize after saying something like "I wished I'd married the remains of the elephant man instead of you!"
6. Whenever wife complains about how freakin' weird you are, show her a picture of Prince
5. Make it clear that as far as she is concerned, your pants are neverland.
4. Pretend not to notice when she flirts with other androgynous freaks.
3. Maintain joint account with Revlon.
2. Keep having surgery until you and your wife are identical twins.
1. Two words: Beat it!
Q: Why are Mickey Mouse and Michael Jackson considered related?
A: They both own amusement parks, both wear gloves, both are black with white faces, and both have high-pitched voices.
What were Lisa-Marie's newlywed complaints about Michael Jackson?
* He leaves the lid off the mascara, causing it to dry out.
* That battleaxe Liz Taylor never calls before she comes over.
* She suspects he's using her to get to Elvis' bones.
* He touches her kids more than he touches her.
Q: Why are Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie are splitting up?
A: Michael misunderstood when they discussed having children.
Top Ten Signs There's Already Trouble in Michael Jackson's Marriage from David Letterman, November 19, 1996
10. Their plastic surgeons aren't speaking to each other.
9. She's constantly screaming, "You're no Tito!"
8. She's filed a restraining order to make him "cut out that Moonwalking crap".
7. Her parents just found out that Michael Jackson used to be black.
6. She's discovered that he's not exactly a "Thriller" in the sack.
5. They're always fighting over the mascara.
4. When he removed his surgical mask, she said, "Michael Jackson? I thought I was marrying Michael Jordan!"
3. They just can't agree on whether to raise their child as a freak or a weirdo.
2. Sign on her bedroom door says, "Neverland".
1. She's started dating O.J.
Top Ten Signs of Trouble in the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Presley Marriage from David Letterman, August 05, 1994
10. Michael going through noses faster than ever.
9. She's flirting with Tito.
8. If two completely normal people like Roseanne and Tom can't make it, then these kids don't have a chance.
7. Lately, Michael's been acting kind of weird.
6. Four words: Marriage tips from Liz.
5. Michael caught wearing another woman's make-up.
4. He put the Club on the bedroom door.
3. Michael spotted in Central Park with Soon-Yi.
2. She wants the toilet seat left down, and he... well, actually, no trouble there.
1. Now they're both touching themselves.
Top Ten Signs the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Marriage is in Trouble from David Letterman, November 14, 1994
10. Michael looking pale and weird lately.
9. Their Christmas card is a copy of their pre-nuptial agreement.
8. They no longer share the Maybelline.
7. Michael living in a Motel 6 outside of Rochester, N.Y.
6. Lisa Marie now dating Richard Simmons.
5. She likes Wendy's, he's an Arby's man.
4. Lisa Marie refused to take the four-year intensive NASA training program that would teach her to moonwalk.
3. She's making eyes at other androgynous freaks.
2. She's found out "Neverland" refers to their sex life.
1. He's grabbing himself again.
Top Ten Lisa Marie's Complaints about Michael Jackson from David Letterman, December 02, 1994
10. Always screaming at the TV during Packers games.
9. Keeps forgetting to put the cap back on the mascara.
8. That moonwalking crap gets old real fast.
7. It's always Liz Taylor this, Liz Taylor that...
6. I know I'm his wife--but the man wants sex morning, noon and night!
5. Jackson 5 closer to 4 and 5/8ths.
4. The high-pitched squealing every time he sees a toy he wants.
3. Chugs a couple of buds, falls asleep on the La-Z-Boy, and snores like a son-of-a-bitch.
2. His bedroom filled with the overwhelming stench of chimp!
1. He's a great big freak!
Could you imagine the problems if they had kids?
Marie is an agnostic.
Michael Jackson is a Jehovah's Witness.
Their kids would have been going around knocking on doors for no reason whatsoever.
Lisa Marie's Divorce Allegations Against Michael Jackson
1. Wouldn't drink beer, watch football and break wind with her during Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland.
2. Refused her pleas for separate make-up mirrors.
3. Unwilling to try new things in bed...like her for instance.
4. Elephant Man bones...fine. Oxygen chamber for eternal youth...well okay. But what's with the Groucho head on Jayne Mansfield's body thing?
5. In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma.
6. Had her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995) done over.
7. She was shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms were not actually part of any real military organization.
8. He started hanging out with Madonna's dancers to toughen up his image.
9. Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor's supporting you through some sordid allegation.
10. Stood in the way of her film career when he refused to bankroll her debut performance in 'Jailbait Rock', the story of her Mom and Dad's courtship.
11. The all-night Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his little friends left him too tired to do that 'hee-hee-hee' thing she fell in love with.
12. She felt pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of LaToya's Amway products for the sake of family peace.
13. Jermaine and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis didn't have kids THEY could marry.
14. Swears she thought she was marrying Michael Keaton.
15. She grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese's within a 50 mile radius only to find him slumped over a table in yet another chocolate milk and Pez stupor.
16. He told her to "just beat it" one too many times.
17. He's a plain spoken "Hoosier", and she had clearly gone "Hollywood".
18. She wanted someone more like her father, and though he was already a pathetic parody of his former self, he was just unwilling to gain weight.
19. He kept forgetting to put the top back on the mascara.
20. Irreconcilable similarities.
The Top 19 Michael Jackson Parenting Tips
19. Rather than spanking, threaten to have Tito baby sit.
18. When the child does something wrong, grab your crotch, thrust it forward, and scream, "BAD!"
17. Elephant Man bones make a nifty over-the-crib mobile.
16. You should always being willing to share your toys... and so should your child, for that matter.
15. Little friends are always welcome, once they've signed the standard release.
14. Keep baking soda handy to extinguish flaming hair.
13. There's nothing a spoonful of sugar, a big hug, and $15,000,000 can't fix.
12. Teach your child, "Beauty is only skin deep -- but hey, a few face peels never hurt anybody."
11. Wait until your child can effectively bob and weave before allowing him to spend the weekend with his grandpa.
10. At birthday parties, don't leave Elizabeth Taylor unattended at the punch bowl.
9. Snug-fitting diapers will keep you from becoming the "King of Poop".
8. That sheep in the petting zoo is only for Daddy.
7. Teach your child not to spank the monkey.
6. It's OK to love your child, just don't LOVE your child.
5. Frequent plastic surgery keeps your kids feeling and looking *fresh*!
4. Spankings are okay -- but stop if the little tyke's hand gets sore.
3. Let the child pick his nose -- from a catalog.
2. Remove glove *before* changing diaper.
And The Number 1 Michael Jackson Parenting Tip...
1. Don't let your child play with Madonna's child -- some people are just too WEIRD.
Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Celebrated His 36th Birthday from David Letterman, September 01, 1994
10. Plays pin-the-nose-on-the-donkey.
9. Enjoyed big steak dinner cooked by Lisa Marie, drank beer and watched wrestling till he fell asleep.
8. Received novelty drinking mug that says "World's Greatest Reclusive Freak."
7. A champagne celebration with his wife, the monkey and that super short guy.
6. Doing what he always does -- acting really weird.
5. Goes 0-4 against the Tidewater Mets (Sorry, that's how Michael Jordan celebrated his birthday).
4. Inhaled helium from party balloons to make his voice higher.
3. Found Tito stealing tomatoes from his vegetable garden; chased him around the house with a rake.
2. Turned Liz loose on the leftover birthday cake.
1. Two words: grabbing himself.
Top 71 Signs Your Days As A Child Television Star Are Over:
http://club.euronet.be/patrick.verbo...rs/961012.html
1. MICHAEL JACKSON stops calling you. - the gloved one
2. You have your own talk show. - Me
3. The only screen time you get is on a convenience store security camera. - Big Fitz
4. People stop calling your cocaine addiction "cute". - BRF
5. You play bingo and watch Matlock on a weekly basis. - oLd FoGiE
6. Nagging calls from "Where are they now?" reporters. - bri
7. You can't stay out of jail long enough to go to work. - Dana Plato
8. You make a guest appearance on TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes. - I'm Not Telling
9. When Teen Beat stops harassing you. - !@#$%^&*!!!!!!!
10. People keep calling you "Punky". - rod
11. When your hair style is older than the stylist. - hard core Republican
12. They figure out that you can't actually act. - Nimhu
13. You rob your first 7-11. - Pink Tacky Bird
14. You grow taller than 4-foot-6. - Emmanuel "Webster Long-Papadopolis" Lewis
15. You star in a Mc Donald's commercial. - Ronald Mc D.
16. Your dimples become pimples. - bri
17. When you're twin reaches puberty before you (full house). - tired of reruns
18. When Madonna gives you a call. - Sarah Griffin
19. You're considered "Home-Alone" only until your wife returns. - Synapsis
20. Your photo is at the post office...but not on a stamp. - todd bridges
21. Two Words: Hollywood Squares. - Taco Bob
22. Parkinson's makes it a bit hard to read the script. - Jen
23. One word...Puberty!!! - Growing Pains
24. You're a regular on Geraldo. - Danny Bonaduchi
25. When people talk about you in the past tense. - :-( nobody remembers me... (the kid from Home Alone)
26. Your best friend is MICHAEL JACKSON. - Macaulay Culkin
27. MICHAEL JACKSON is their agent. - Boot Daddy
28. You are spending all the money you made on cigarettes. - biach
29. I think that if your boss says "You're fired" for no reason it means something - uh... my name? uh... I forgot
30. You're offered a gig doing "Depends" commercials. - with Debbie Reynolds
31. They start looking for talents other than screaming. - Macaulay Culkin
32. You star in Richie Rich. - Bozo the Prez
33. Even your grandchildren don't go to your movies anymore. - kewl guy
34. Cher won't ask you out anymore. - J.D.
35. Sexy Grandma magazine offers you a pictorial layout. - Therion
36. When Dana Plato and Todd Bridges stops by for a visit. - Gary Coleman
37. You get arrested. - Dominican
38. You have more chins than Emmies. - Burt Ward
39. When producers will only hire you as the grandma of the leading boy. - 64 and going 10
40. He knocks over a liquor store when his tell all book is out. - M.J. FOX
41. The battle over the money with your parents begin. - dave
42. You're wearing diapers.......and you're over 7. - Rocky V
43. Lost too many days on set because of PMS - and placed second in Sharon Stone look-alike contest.
44. Your sister serves you a dead bird for supper. - Demonspawn
45. O boy. People are mean with the Michael Jackson jokes..............but they're so true! - ASSAULT - Go look at some
46. TV movies about your struggle to the top and eventual downfall begin. - mirjen
47. They look for a younger kid to play your part. - McCauly Coulkin
48. Your mom fired you! - Lil Pete
49. When you star as the grandpa in the show about your rise and fall in showbiz. - 64 and going 10
50. What do you mean over? I shave 4 times a day and I'm better than ever. - Robin Williams
51. Fiebre del Sabado. - Fey
52. Lassie won't come home. - DMC
53. You stop feeling like Shirly Tempel. - big D.
54. You have pimples all over your face and a huge gap between your teeth. - by ME
55. When you rob a Las Vegas video store for drug money. - Dana Plato
56. You check into a Betty Ford Clinic. - Hooked on cookies
57. You appear on a talk show with the cast of "What's Happening". - dave
58. Your prostate is now larger than your bicycle. - Joe Peshi
59. The rest of the crew tries to beam you out into space; when that doesn't work, they try and shove you out an airlock... - Wesley Crusher
60. Because ... - Sam
61. Your agent suggests you start wearing dresses with lower neck-lines and higher hem-lines. - D. Barrymore
62. When you start smoking crack. - Todd Bridges
63. The Lolita-Fan-Club loses interest. - in what?
64. That darn puberty thing... - Believe me, it happens!
65. When you get a job as a Nickolodian. - gareth matthews
66. You get pregnant. - fredrica
67. U become an entertainment stuff journalist. - Lubetski
68. You enter charity boxing matches with other child TV stars. - The Partridge Family
69. They do an episode about your first period. - It's not that cute.
70. Quincy Jones sues you for divorce. - Mod Squad
71. Someone comes out with a biography of your life. - Timmy
OJ's Voice Mail
"Hello, this is the Law Office of Robert Shapiro. If you have information regarding the OJ Simpson trial, please press one. If you..."
BEEEEP
"If you saw a one-armed man running from the scene, please press one.
If you don't know who OJ is, and would like to serve on the jury, please press two.
If you've ever scored with Nicole, by yourself or with others, please press three.
If you're Michael Jackson and you would like to take care of the kids, please press four.
If you have pictures of any LA cop at a KKK cross burning, please press five.
If you have pictures of that bitch prosecutor with a German shepherd, please press six.
If you saw a spacecraft hovering over the scene of the crime, please press seven.
If you think it couldn't be OJ because the Buffalo Bills always choke, please press eight.
If you...." <click>
Aviophobic Celebrities: http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/enter...sp?cid=phobias
Singer Aretha Franklin has an extreme fear of flying. She won't travel on airplanes, even for concerts clear across the country.
Actor and screenwriter Billy Bob Thorton has canceled television appearances that required him to get on a plane.
Muhammad Ali, former champion boxer.
Bob Bechel, political analyst.
Ray Bradbury, science fiction writer.
Cher, singer/actress.
Florence Henderson, actress.
Glenda Jackson, actress and member of British Parliament.
Michael Jackson, singer.
John Madden, sportscaster.
Bob Newhart, comedian/actor.
Ronald Reagan, former U.S. President and actor.
Other celebrities with known phobias:
Actress Natalie Wood was hydrophobic - her accidental death by drowning in the ocean in 1981 was very strange and unsettling for those who knew her well.
Tennis champ André Agassi has a phobia of spiders, according to Brooke Shields in a statement to the press in October 1996.
Supernatural novelist Anne Rice has stated that she fears the dark.
Actress Kim Basinger has a phobia of wide, open spaces.
Film director Alfred Hitchcock had a peculiar fear of eggs, according to biographer Donald Spoto.
Country star Lyle Lovett reportedly is afraid of cows.
Pop singer Michael Jackson appears to have a phobia of germs (referring to his obsessive wearing of a surgical-style mask when out in public).
What do we have here?
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--- Michael Jackson and Woody Allen out on a double date!
Lisa Marie Presley's Official Websites http://lisamariepresley.com/
On the website for Lisa's book I, Lisa Marie http://www.i-lisa-marie.com/ she has a March 2003 statement:
Lisa Marie Presley is not married to Nicolas Cage, she has never been a Scientologist, she has never taken drugs and has never met with Michael Jackson as an adult.
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/J/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/msohtml1/01/clip_image003.jpg[/IMG]
View the History of Michael Jackson's Face http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Jackson.html
Slide show of Michael Jackson's face http://www.doneanddusted.co.uk/nick/Movie2.html
Make your own version of Michael Jackson's face http://www.alexanderband.dk/dragson/
Michael Jackson's Face During Tour Announcement (March 09) http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/0..._n_172242.html
Michael Jackson Age Progression http://www.forartist.com/forensic/mo...mj/jackson.htm
Michael Jackson is not the only celebrity with bad plastic surgery http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/
Michael Jackson defends himself at his Official Press Room http://mjnews.us/
Michael Jackson Unofficial Press Room http://www.mjnews.info/
July 1 is International Moonwalk Day http://www.moonwalkday.com/
Santa Barbara Sheriff parody site http://www.santabarbarasheriff.com/
Save Michael http://www.save-michael.com/
Michael Jackson World Network fan page http://www.mjworld.net/
Micheal Jackson news source http://mjjsource.com/
Fox News Story, Jacko May Claim 'Threats' by Mottola, July 12, 2002 http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,57512,00.html
Michael Jackson Gets an Oscar http://www.thirdage.com/news/archive...5-01.html?hnav
Michael Jackson: Back In The Saddle Again http://www.brachman.com/jb_michaeljackson1.htm
Michael Jackson Screen Savers http://www.artistdesktopthemes.com/s...kson.dt.1.html and http://cinemadesktopthemes.com/st/j/...kson.dt.1.html
Michael Jackson Posters http://www.altocelebs.net/j/michael-jackson/
Michael Jackson Information Page http://www.celebritystorm.com/mceleb...ichaelJackson/
Michael Jackson Lyrics http://browse.lyrics.astraweb.com:28...eljackson.html
Michael Jackson Lyrics http://www.azlyrics.com/j/jackson.html
Michael Jackson King Of Pop http://www.angelfire.com/pop/cdoss/michaeljackson.html
All Michael Jackson http://www.allmichaeljackson.com/
The Jackson Twins: What Next for Michael & Janet? http://www.brightlightsfilm.com/25/jackson2.html
Michael Jackson Baby Drop (requires Flash) http://www.canal96.com/michael/
Michael Jackson Baby Drop by MadBlast.com http://www.madblast.com/view.cfm?typ...h&display=1804 and http://www.madblast.com/funflash/swf...y_madblast.swf and http://www.kicken.com/funnyfiles/WackoJacko.swf
Michael Jackson Bouncing Baby Balcony Bungee http://www.electric-chicken.co.uk/jacko.html
Michael Jackson calls Dr. Phil http://madblast.com/view.cfm?type=FunFlash&display=3101
Michael Jackson prank calls http://www.ebaumsworld.com/michaeljackson-sb.html
Michael Jackson's Lost Interview (requires Flash) http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/af/co...lost_interview
Michael Jackson Jokes at The Joke File (check out the photos) http://www.jokefile.co.uk/rich/michaeljackson.html
Michael Jackson Jokes Directory at Gusworld http://www.gusworld.com.au/music/mjjokes.htm
What you need to nose about Michael Jackson http://humor.about.com/cs/michaeljackson/
Michael Jackson Injured in Game of "Got Your Nose" http://www.brokennewz.com/entertainment/jacksonnose.asp
Where is Michael Jackson's nose? http://www.modestypanel.com/mjackson/
Michael Jackson vs. The Artist Formerly Known As Prince http://www.grudge-match.com/History/...-jackson.shtml
What Really Happened to Elian Gonzalez in the Closet? http://www.hypercenter.com/jokes/elian/elian05.htm
Wacko Jacko -- Guess who's black? http://www.holylemon.com/jacko
Take the "What Michael Jackson Are You" quiz http://www.liquidgeneration.com/quiz/jackson_quiz.asp
Michael Jackson Interview http://www.flashplayer.com/animation...interview.html
Michael Jackson "I'll Beat It" Flash http://www.funnyflash.com/details.php?id=161 and http://www.funnyflash.com/films/A98/...p?t=1118670945
Michael Jackson "I Never Copped a Feel" Flash http://www.funnyflash.com/details.php?id=139 and http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/mic...ed-a-feel.html
The Simpsons Beat It  YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.
Homer Simpson vs Michael Jackson http://youtube.com/watch?v=8Pf9gmysrk8
Michael Jackson and Bart Simpson - Happy Birthday Lisa YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.
Michael Jackson vs. Gohan http://youtube.com/watch?v=_Uilu8Lct1Q
Michael Jackson Does the Bartman with Bart Simpson http://youtube.com/watch?v=YF72FyosSOo
Pop Waffle Vol 10: A Halloween Special http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ywhva17TyFQ
Michael Jackson top secret audio files http://www.liquidgeneration.com/sabo...kson_audio.swf
Dec 2003 "60 Minutes" interview transcript http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/...in590381.shtml
Follow Michael Jackson's case on Court TV http://www.courttv.com/news/jackson/index.html
Michael Jackson Celebrity Center at Fox News http://www.foxnews.com/foxlife/celeb...son/index.html
TRUtalk goes behind the scenes at the Michael Jackson trial http://www.trutalk.us/
Freak: Inside the Twisted World of Michael Jackson http://books.compricer.com/1885840055
"I Never Copped a Feel" song parody http://www.ebaumsworld.com/nevercoppedafeel.html
Piss Off Michael Jackson http://www.magicalcloud.com/humor/pissmjoff.htm
Rape Me My Friend http://www.magicalcloud.com/humor/rapeme.htm
Damon Scott & Bubbles http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=3076
Mini Michael Jackson http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=2813179
Wikipedia
Late night talk show liners archive http://www.newsmax.com/listliners.shtml
Search google for more Michael Jackson Jokes http://www.google.com/search?q=Michael+Jackson+Jokes
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