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Old June 27th, 2009 #9
-JC
Doesn't suffer fools well
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,740
Default Continuing...

Heard on David Letterman, April 28, 2004:
On my way to work this morning my cab driver was named the new head of Hamaas.
Good gig! Leaders of Hamaas last about as long as Michael Jackson attorneys.

Heard on Jay Leno, April 29, 2004:
Janet Jackson is here tonight: She was once very close to Justin Timberlake - but I guess they had a falling out.

Heard on Conan O'Brien, April 29, 2004:
Michael Jackson fired his bodyguards today -- they made the mistake of keeping young boys away from him.

Heard on Jay Leno, May 6, 2004:
They predict something like 80 million people are going to watch the final episode of Friends tonight. Eighty-million. That's right up there with Janet Jackson's right breast.

Heard on Conan O'Brien, May 11, 2004:
Female comic from SNL: Of all the men that I play on the show, Michael Jackson takes the least amount of make-up -- just a nose.
Conan: It makes sense -- you are a white woman...

Jacko hits the (baby) bottle, May 21, 2004:
Just when you thought the train wreck that has become Michael Jackson's life couldn't get any weirder: Former child star Macaulay Culkin's reclusive father, Kit, says he once discovered his young son, Rory, sitting on the floor with Jackson, both of them sucking on baby bottles.
http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2004/...028505845.html
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/people..._people21.html
http://www.babyweb.com.au/modules.ph...ticle&sid=1128
http://www.insideedition.com/Culkin.htm

[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/J/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/msohtml1/01/clip_image001.jpg[/IMG]
Michael making new friends at the prison bakery.

http://www.freakingnews.com/view.asp?entry=1418
http://www.pianoladynancy.com/funnyp...isonbakery.htm
http://www.dlhill.com/usedpics/PrisonBakery.jpg
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_apr2004/PrisonBakery.jpg

Heard on Conan O'Brien, May 26, 2004:
It's being reported that Michael Jackson is considering moving to somewhere in Africa -- then he found out that the country of Chad is not a little boy.

Jackson settled first child molestation suit for approximately $25 million, June 16, 2004:
Michael Jackson paid out more than $25 million to settle a civil suit by a boy who accused him of molesting him in 1993.
http://www.courttv.com/news/jackson/061504_ctv.html

Heard on David Letterman, June 16, 2004:
Michael Jackson was seen at a Taco Bell in L.A. He was seen at a Taco Bell and he was wearing a Spiderman mask. If this guy isn't careful people might start thinking he was weird.

Heard on Jay Leno, June 18, 2004:
Here's something unbelievable -- in an interview in the "Sunday Express of London", Janet Jackson claims in a new interview that the Super Bowl halftime controversy was a conservative plot to distract people from what was really going on in the world. Oh yeah, it was just a vast right breast conspiracy.

Heard on David Letterman, June 22, 2004:
Do you remember that guy that streaked at the Super Bowl? He was sentenced to six months in jail. And still on the loose in the streets is Janet Jackson.

Amazon has "29% off" label on the new Janet Jackson album.
Wonder what the FCC will have to say about that?

Heard on David Letterman, July 12, 2004:
The cicadas are finally gone. They came and made a lot of noise. Now they are gone and won't return for 17 years. Which means the next time they return it might be in time for the Michael Jackson trial.

Progressive Pictures on Conan O'Brien, July 13, 2004:
Spider, Snake, Frog, Michael Jackson...
These are things more likely to show up in a Boy Scout's tent.

Heard on Jay Leno, July 21, 2004:
Yesterday of course was the 35th anniversary of Neil Armstrong walking on the moon. One kind of embarrassing thing, when President Bush heard it was the 35th anniversary of the moonwalk, he sent a congratulatory telegram to Michael Jackson!

Heard on Conan O'Brien, July 21, 2004:
Michael Jackson is in the news again. "Us Weekly" reports that Michael Jackson and a surrogate mother are having quadruplets. They think Michael is having quadruplets because he's adding four new balconies to his house.

Heard on Conan O'Brien, July 23, 2004:
Michael Jackson denies that he is having quadruplets. He said that he doesn't feel right about bringing children into the world when there's people like him around.

Heard on Jay Leno, July 28, 2004:
This is the third woman that Michael Jackson has had artificially inseminated. How does that happen? Does he walk down the street, see a woman, and say to himself, "I'd love to artificially inseminate her!"

Heard on Jay Leno, July 29, 2004:
Michael Jackson has been accused of forcing a child to make a video absolving him. Social workers called it depraved. Lawyers called it suspicious. Catholic priests called it a good idea and asked themselves why they never thought of that.

Heard on Conan O'Brien, August 6, 2004:
VH1 is showing a TV movie about Michael Jackson called "Man in the Mirror".
Their next movie is about Tito Jackson. It will be called "Man in the Cardboard Box".

From RangerJim93, August 17, 2004:
Diana Ross Greatest Hits-Volume 1.
Side One
1. Lady Sings The Booze
2. Smashed Again
3. Hit And Run Shuffle
4. Drunk Tank Blues
5. Pickle Me Once, Pickle Me Twice
Side Two
1. All Over The Road Again
2. That Run Down Feeling (of the Pedestrian I Hit)
3. Side Swipe Sonata
4. Beating The Meat (with Michael Jackson)
5. Supreme Hangover Blues
Volume 2.
Side One.
1. Somewhere at Neverland
2. Thank Heaven for Predators
3. He Touched Me, He Groped Me
4. I'm Getting Horny Over (Michael Jackson) You.
5. Masturbation at First Sight.
Side Two
1. Thank Heavens for Little Boys
2. Behind The Green Door
3. Horny In The Court
4. Gay Hound On the Greyhound
5. This Lady is Michael's Tramp

Heard on Jay Leno, September 8, 2004:
Thanks for coming out on such a hot day! Man was it hot today! What was it, 106? I tell you, it was so hot, today Michael Jackson paid off an Eskimo kid ... what would you do for a Klondike Bar?

From RangerJim93, September 13, 2004:
Michael Jackson to Dr. Ross: "Gee, I have not been feeling myself lately."
Dr. Ross replies, "Well, Michael, WHO have you been feeling?"

Michael Jackson to Dr. D. Ross: "Gee, Doc, I have not been feeling myself lately."
Dr. Ross: "Michael, who have you been feeling?"
MJ: "That is for me to know and for you to find out."

Heard on Jay Leno, September 17, 2004:
Michael Jackson was in court today, facing the mother of the boy he's accused of molesting.
I don't think he helped his case any when he said, "Which one was your kid?"

Heard on Jay Leno, September 27, 2004:
Did you hear that Macaulay Culkin was arrested?
If he goes to jail, Michael Jackson might pull a Martha Steward and demand jail time immediately.

SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, October 19, 2004:
"Derek Jeter" is to "best loved in majors" as
"Michael Jackson" is to "best loved in minors".

Heard on Conan O'Brien, October 29, 2004 (rerun):
A big weekend this Sunday. It's Father's Day. Or, as Michael Jackson's kids call it, "Don't Remind Me Day."

Heard on David Letterman, November 10, 2004:
Do you remember the Super Bowl and the half-time thing where Janet Jackson dropped her deal? CBS has been fined $500,000 for that. That's the most money CBS has paid for a boob since they hired me!

New York City vs. LA on Conan O'Brien, November 18, 2004:
New York has the Museum of Human Oddities...
LA has Nick Nolte and Michael Jackson.

Heard on Jay Leno, November 18, 2004:
Michael Jackson is in the news again -- this time he's being sued for $3 million by a film producer who claims Michael never repaid him the money he loaned him. Isn't that unbelievable? Michael Jackson being sued by a grown-up? Has that ever happened before?

Heard on Jay Leno, November 24, 2004:
Michael Jackson's brother Jermaine Jackson has filed for divorce from his wife. Here's the odd part: Michael has asked for custody of the children.

Heard on Jay Leno, December 7, 2004:
You can tell it's the holidays. Authorities raided the Neverland Ranch today and found Michael Jackson in bed with the little drummer boy.
Authorities have tested Michael Jackson's DNA and made an astonishing discovery ... they now think Michael Jackson may be a black man in his 40s.

Heard on Jay Leno, December 9, 2004:
More problems for Michael Jackson. Today his inner child filed a restraining order against him.
The "National Enquirer" says the police found Michael Jackson's stash of porn in a briefcase at the Neverland Ranch. See, that just shows you how truly strange Michael Jackson is - what guy hides his porno in a briefcase. You hide it in your sock drawer like any good American.

Heard on Jay Leno, December 14, 2004:
Yesterday the jury sentenced Scott Peterson to death. Not only that, they said they think Michael Jackson is guilty as hell, too.

Heard on Conan O'Brien, December 23, 2004:
The other day Michael Jackson had a big Christmas party at the Neverland Ranch which was attended by a lot of children. Afterwards Jackson was visited by the Ghost of Don't You Ever Learn!

Heard on Jay Leno, January 6, 2005:
It does not look good for Michael Jackson. The prosecution evidence in the Michael Jackson case starting to leak out. Did you hear about this today? When police searched Michael's bedroom, this is true, they confiscated a pair of "Hanes underwear, size small". Here's the creepy thing: he had them mounted on the wall.
According to the documents just unsealed, this is absolutely true, you'll see this on the news tonight, Michael Jackson nicknamed one of his young boys "blowhole". That's what it said. I have two words - case closed.

Heard on Jay Leno, January 11, 2005:
Let's see what's going on in the little people versus Michael Jackson case.
According to police reports, Michael Jackson gave underage kids red wine hidden in cans of Diet Coke. Now that's just wrong, isn't it? I mean, the guy signed a deal with Pepsi. He shouldn't be crossing over like that.

Heard on David Letterman, January 12, 2004:
The Michael Jackson trial will be going on soon. Cameras aren't allowed in the courtroom, so the E Channel is going to re-create the trial every day with actors. They're looking for actors and actresses to play the roles. I will be playing the role of Tito.
They're having a difficult time of casting. When you think about it, for Michael Jackson they need to find a bleached-faced man that's had seven nose jobs. They asked Diana Ross but she was busy.

Heard on Kilborn, January 12, 2004:
The prosecutors in the Michael Jackson case are looking for a way to get Jackson. They're now focusing on the new law -- three tykes and you're out.

SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, January 19, 2005:
"Michael Jackson 2005" is to "surveying juror pool" as
"Michael Jackson 2006" is to "surveying kiddie pool".

Heard on Jay Leno, January 25, 2005:
Prosecutors in the Michael Jackson case want the children's testimony to be kept secret. To which Michael Jackson said, "Hey, if these kids could keep a secret, I wouldn't be here."

Heard on Jay Leno, January 27, 2005:
It was on this day back in 1984 that Michael Jackson was burned on his head while filming a TV commercial for Pepsi. I believe that's the last time Michael Jackson was considered hot.
Let's see what's new in the Michael Jackson trial -- or, as it's now being called, "Fondling Neverland."
Prosecutors now say they want to display Michael Jackson's porn collection for the jury. Why do they always call it a "porn collection"? Are men really porn collectors? Do guys go to flea markets on the weekends looking for porn? "Oh, look, a rare 1979 copy of 'Black Licorice.' I've been looking all over for this. I found it! I got it for two dollars!"

Heard on Jay Leno, January 28, 2005:
On Monday, a judge will introduce Michael Jackson to 300 prospective jurors. Does anyone need to be introduced to Michael Jackson? Are the jurors sitting there going, "Now which one is Michael? Is it the guy in the drum major outfit with half a nose?"

Heard on Jay Leno, January 31, 2005:
Prosecutors say they want to ban Michael Jackson from wearing sunglasses in the courtroom. But Jackson says he can't take them off, because they hold his nose in place. His glasses and nose are one piece.

Heard on Jay Leno, February 1, 2005:
What a crowd! You sound like Michael Jackson when he heard the judge call for a ten-minute recess. "Recess? Let's go, kids!"
Today on the news they were talking about the racial composition of the jury pool. They said it's about 20 percent African-American and 75 percent white ... oh, I'm sorry. That's Michael Jackson.
You know who I feel really sorry for today? Robert Blake. Did you see what happened to him? All the reporters left his trial and went up to cover Michael's. "Hey, come on, you guys. Who do I have to shoot in this town?!"

Heard on Ferguson, February 1, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial started today. At one point during the trial the judge called for a recess and Michael said, "Goodie, where are the kids?"

Heard on Jay Leno, February 2, 2005:
Welcome to "The Tonight Show". The entire audience tonight is made up of dismissed Michael Jackson jurors.
About a hundred fans turned out to cheer Michael Jackson at the courthouse today. That's not a good sign; when the people supporting you are outnumbered by the witnesses scheduled to testify against you.
At jury selection today one woman was allowed to go home because she is eight months pregnant. When he heard that Michael said, "I hope it's a boy".
How's this for a bombshell -- it seems Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe, the mother of his children is going to testify against him. When Michael heard that, it made his whole face drop. Luckily, an aide was there to pick it up and put it back on.

Heard on Letterman, February 2, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial is about to start out in California. That guy is kind of weird I think. They're doing jury selection right now. Michael is to be judged by a jury of his peers. So they're looking for 12 surgically altered freaks.

Heard on Letterman, February 3, 2005:
Are you following the Michael Jackson trial? Are you like me and think this guy might be a little weird? They're doing jury selection and Michael showed up to court wearing all black. Do you think that's such a good idea for a guy in his position to look like a priest?

Heard on Jay Leno, February 4, 2005:
You all excited about the Super Bowl? As you know, they have extra security at the Super Bowl. Just in case a terrorist tries to get in or a breast tries to get out.
It looks like we'll be hearing a lot about the "No Child Left Behind" program over the next few months. But enough about Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe has agreed to testify against him. Today Michael called Robert Blake and said, "How do you get to Vitello's?"
Jackson said in the Geraldo interview that he designed Neverland so he could enjoy the childhood he never had. Drinking wine while going through your porn collection? Hey I never had that childhood either. What childhood is that?
Jackson said in the Geraldo interview that he designed Neverland so he could enjoy the childhood he never had. You know he's been saying this since he was 20.
Michael Jackson is 46. You've had a childhood for 26 years. Quit saying you never had a childhood. You've now had the longest childhood in the world. You've never had an adulthood. That's what you've never had.

Heard on Jay Leno, February 7, 2005:
In Boston, the Priest Paul Shanley was found guilty on all counts in his sex abuse trial. I guess that means Michael Jackson is losing a character witness.
Things are not looking good for Michael Jackson and his "no child left behind" policy.
Did you see Michael Jackson's interview with Geraldo Rivera? Michael defends his sister's wardrobe malfunction. He said he told her at the time, "Don't worry, I've seen worse". Yeah, that's why he's on trial! Hello!

Heard on Jay Leno, February 8, 2005:
I watched some softball over the weekend -- Geraldo's interview with Michael.
Michael Jackson said in his interview that being a celebrity has made him a target ... well, that and having sex with young boys.
Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe is talking about suing Michael for custody of the children. And today Michael said, "Look, you can have them when they turn 15."

Heard on Jay Leno, February 9, 2005:
A worldwide anti-terrorism conference was held recently in Saudi Arabia. An anti-terrorism conference in Saudi Arabia. Kind of like having a child protection conference at the Neverland Ranch.

Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 9, 2005:
In a recent interview, Corey Feldman says that some parts of his childhood relationship with Michael Jackson were not so innocent. What's even more shocking is that someone interviewed Corey Feldman.

Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 10, 2005:
The E Channel is hiring an actor to play the role of Michael Jackson in their re-enactment of the trial. They've also hired Tito to play Tito.

Heard on Jay Leno, February 11, 2005:
That's the big story today. Former child star Corey Feldman has been subpoenaed to testify in the Michael Jackson case. I think this is the first callback Corey has had since the movie "Goonies"!

Heard on Letterman, February 11, 2005:
You know Whitman's chocolate? They've come out with a special commemorative Michael Jackson candy. It's lovely, it's delicious -- it's white chocolate with a nut inside.

Heard on Letterman, February 15, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial is going on. Listen to the list of witnesses for the defense. There's Liz Taylor, Quincy Jones, Diana Ross and Kobe Bryant. How are they getting better guests than us?!
The trial has been delayed because Michael had to be rushed to the hospital due to the flu. No word yet on his condition, but I bet we can rule out "stable."

Heard on Jay Leno, February 16, 2005:
Good news today from the hospital - Michael Jackson's condition has been upgraded from nutball to weirdo.
Here's my question - how do you know when Michael Jackson is sick? Does the color suddenly return to his cheeks?
Actually if you saw the press conference - doctors in the E.R. examined Michael for over an hour. They said it was like an episode of alien autopsy. None of the organs were in the same place...
But the good news is, they said this is the first time Michael Jackson could actually go into a hospital and come out with the same nose he went in with.
Have you heard about this? This is true. For some reason, I'm being called as a witness in the Michael Jackson trial. Actually they told me I'm a minor witness. As opposed to most of the witnesses who are minors.

Heard on Letterman, February 16, 2005:
Kobe Bryant is a witness for the defense in the Michael Jackson trial. That makes a lot of sense too. When you think character witness, you think Kobe Bryant!
Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital yesterday due to the flu. His condition has since been upgraded from serious to creepy.

Heard on Ferguson, February 16, 2005:
Michael Jackson checked into a hospital yesterday for the flu. But he's doing fine now. Today he was dangling his doctor from a balcony.
Doctors say he will be fine and back to freaking people out within 72 hours.

Heard on Jay Leno, February 17, 2005:
As you know on Tuesday, Michael was rushed to the hospital with nausea, dizziness and vomiting. Apparently on the way to the courthouse his lawyers must have showed him all the evidence against him.
I was trying to see if there were any stories in the news that are not about Michael Jackson... Here's one -- NASA officials say they found possible evidence of life on Mars. No, that sounds like a Michael Jackson joke too.

Heard on Jay Leno, February 18, 2005:
As you may know, I've been called as a witness in the Michael Jackson trial. Why do people applaud that? See so many celebrities wind up in court now, people think it's like an awards show. "Oh you got picked for that trial. Not doing that crappy Phil Spector trial..."
As I'm sure you know, Michael Jackson left the hospital the other night and he's doing great. He said he feels like a kid again.
Although Michael has gone home for the hospital. His doctors say he will "remain under observation". Remain under observation? If he were under observation to begin with, none of this would've happened! We took our eye off the ball.

Heard on Letterman, February 18, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial is going on. I think this guy is a little peculiar. They are now having trouble finding jurors for the trial. Jurors are getting out of the trial by claiming "hardship"... wait that's last nights audience.

Heard on Jay Leno, February 21, 2005:
As you know, Michael Jackson is out of the hospital. Doctors say within a couple of days he should be completely back to abnormal.

Heard on Jay Leno, February 22, 2005:
Did you see Michael Jackson arrive in court today in an SUV with the windows rolled down and his head sticking out in the rain -- and that's normal behavior for a guy who just got out of the hospital with the "flu".

Heard on Jay Leno, February 23, 2005:
It's official -- the jury has been chosen in the Michael Jackson case. It's two-thirds female. Just like Michael. So it'll be a jury of his peers.

Heard on Jay Leno, February 24, 2005:
Michael Jackson's fate is now in the hands of four men and eight women. As opposed to his usual crowd, 11 boys and one chimp.

Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 24, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial has started. When Michael first got to court after being released from the hospital, hundreds of fans turned out to support him. But just last night only a dozen fans were there when he left the courthouse. Michael blamed the turnout on the rainy weather and being a school night.

Heard on Jay Leno, February 25, 2005:
In the Michael Jackson case, it looks like we now have a jury. They are eight white people, three Hispanics, and one Asian guy. Boy, that sounds like the worst basketball team in history, doesn't it?

Heard on Letterman, March 1, 2005:
Are you folks following the Michael Jackson trial? There was an embarrassing moment today when the judge banged his gavel to get everyone to quiet down. He slammed it down so hard that Michael's nose fell off.

Heard on Jay Leno, March 2, 2005:
Opening arguments have begun in the Michael Jackson trial. The prosecution for some reason ripped into Jude Law. Why is everybody picking on him?
Michael Jackson claims that his partner would sleep in the bed while he slept on the floor. Same arrangement the Clintons have.
As you may have heard, I've been named as a possible witness in the Michael Jackson trial. Actually, I'm not going to speak at the trial. What I'm going to do is tell my story with some anatomically correct dolls. That'll make it easier for me.
Have you seen the celebrity list? It looks like a bad "Cannonball Run" movie.

Heard on Conan O'Brien, March 2, 2005:
Here's the latest in the Michael Jackson trial. Yesterday at one point Michael Jackson started crying. It's amazing what a passing school bus will do.

Heard on Jay Leno, March 2, 2005:
Well, let's see what's happening in the news that I'm allowed to talk about.
Do you know about this gag order? I'm a potential witness in the Michael Jackson trial. As you know, there's a gag order for everyone involved in the Michael Jackson trial. In fact, I believe I'm the first person over the age of two that has been gagged by Michael Jackson.
So tonight folks it will be all Tito Jackson jokes.
As you know - the Michael Jackson trial is going on up there and yesterday and one of the witnesses was a public relations specialist who was hired by Michael Jackson to counter all the negative publicity. Well that worked out well, huh? That's a job well done.

Heard on Jay Leno, March 7, 2005:
You know what's fascinating -- you know the first person to call Martha when she was released from jail? Michael Jackson. He said he wanted to know what it's like for a white woman in prison.
As you know, I have to stop right there. As you know, I have been subpoenaed. I am under a gag order. I cannot do any Michael Jackson jokes, but because of the gag order, we're bringing in a guest comedian to tell some Michael Jackson jokes. He's the star of his own show on CNBC, five-time Emmy Award winner, good friend, one of the funniest comedians around -- Mr. Dennis Miller, ladies and gentlemen!
(Dennis Miller) Big day in the trial today, folks. I see where Michael Jackson and George Hamilton have officially crossed lines on the pigmentation flow chart.
Some interesting facts coming out about Neverland. It seems Michael Jackson has the only playroom in the Western world with a wine steward.
What do you serve with Macaulay Culkin? Red? White?
So, let me get this straight. Jackson gets the kids over at the Neverland Ranch ... and by the way, if you like the Neverland ranch, try the vinaigrette. But anyway ...
He gets the kids over and he gives them vodka and porn. You know, you get rid of the child molestation thing and this guy's the really cool uncle I always wanted.

Heard on Jay Leno, March 8, 2005:
(Due to the gag order on Jay Leno in the Michael Jackson trial the following Michael Jackson jokes were done by Roseanne Barr.) The other day at the Michael Jackson trial they showed a video of Michael Jackson's house. And both of Michael's ex-wives showed up because they said that they always wanted to see what the bedroom looked like.
Defense lawyers say they might have Michael testify. They don't really want him to, but doctors believe it's the only way they can get his nose to grow back.
You know I kid Michael, but it is really just great to tell jokes about someone who's had more plastic surgery than me.

Heard on Letterman, March 8, 2005:
Michael Jackson has been accused of releasing grand jury testimony in his case. I'd hate to see Michael get into any legal problems.

Heard on Jay Leno, March 9, 2005:
Well, there are reports that Michael Jackson may be trying to sell the Neverland Ranch. He's having financial problems. That's what they said in the paper today. He might be putting it on the market, and Michael's neighbors are up in arms. They're afraid some weirdo might move in.
(Due to the gag order on Jay Leno in the Michael Jackson trial, the following Michael Jackson jokes were read by Carrot Top.)
You know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?
When the big hand is on the little hand.
Today Michael Jackson told the jury that he actually likes 38-year-olds. What he meant was 30 8-year-olds ...

Heard on Jay Leno, March 10, 2005:
(Michael Jackson jokes done by Drew Carey due to gag order on Jay Leno in the Michael Jackson trial.)
Nice to be here. Thank you very much. Michael Jackson showed up to court late today wearing his pajama bottoms. You know what? If we find the kid wearing the pajama top, we have another court case on our hands.
Michael arrived at court looking stiff and awkward and had difficulty moving. Hey, maybe he really is white.
The official word from the Michael Jackson camp is he has a hurt back. Hey kids are heavier now!
What does Michael Jackson call a school bus? Meals on wheels.
Do you know where Michael's two favorite places to go on vacation are? Youngstown and Boise!
What does Michael Jackson never say after having sex? "Why don't you grow up?"
The observers say Michael rarely looked at the boy on the stand. Of course he didn't. The kid is 15 now.

Heard on Jay Leno, March 11, 2005:
Hey, before we get started, has anybody seen my pajama bottoms?
The gag order has been lifted. I can finally say what I have not been allowed to say all this time: Michael Jackson is my father.
Yesterday, Michael Jackson showed up at the courthouse late. Or, as he likes to call it, "a little behind."
When Michael actually did arrive, he was looking disheveled, wearing pajama bottoms and walking stiffly. Which is usually how most boys leave the Neverland Ranch.
In fact, the worse part was when the kid saw the pajamas and said, "Hey those are mine."
You know what I think happened -- I think Michael got confused. I think he saw all those boys on the witness stand and thought there was going to be a sleep-over.
In the Michael Jackson trial, the jury wasn't in court. They were given three days off to let their skin stop crawling.
A lot of people thought Michael was faking it yesterday, but people who know Michael say he does have back problems that flare up from time to time. Like when he's on trial for child molestation.
A lot of people think Michael may be suicidal. That's the latest theory. Just last night he swallowed an entire bottle of Flintstone Chewables.
The boy testified that Michael Jackson was walking around naked and aroused. Boy, all of a sudden Janet Jackson's Super Bowl thing doesn't seem so bad, huh?
You know who I feel sorry for in all this? Robert Blake. Today he stuck his head inside the jury room to see how it was going, and they were all watching the Michael Jackson trial.
See, here's my feelings on this whole thing -- if Michael Jackson wants to have sex with kids, he should do what other people do and become a teacher.
Why does Michael stay at the Ramada Inn? Kids stay free.
Why does Michael Jackson like blackjack? He gets to double down on 10 or 11.
What did Michael Jackson tell the priest? "Hey, I saw him first."
Michael Jackson is so broke, he's only hitting on kids with trust funds. That's how bad it is now.
Michael is so broke, today he was pouring red wine in cans of RC Cola.
Michael Jackson is broke. Funny, now he can actually only afford one glove.
Michael Jackson is so broke, now when he dangles a kid over a balcony it's to shake spare change out of their pockets.
Michael Jackson so broke, he's now considered poor white trash.

Progressive Pictures on Conan O'Brien, March 13, 2005 (rerun):
Jose Canseco, Mark McGuire, the singer known as Michael Jackson...
People more likely not to reach third base legitimately.

From N. O. Ledú, March 15, 2005:
Michael Jackson's lawyer expected a better reaction from Michael when he told him the good news: It looks like we are going to have a hung jury.
Why was Michael nonplussed at the news?
Apparently, he was hoping for a well-hung jury.

Heard on Letterman, March 14, 2005:
Are you following the Michael Jackson trial? Last week he shows up to trial in his pajamas. You know... I'm starting to think he's a little crazy and weird.

Heard on Ferguson, March 15, 2005:
St. Patrick's Day is right around the corner. You can tell because today Michael Jackson was seen dangling a leprechaun.
Toys "R" Us is about to go bankrupt. See what happens when Michael Jackson stops dating?
I have a question about Michael Jackson: If Michael Jackson and Marilyn Manson were driving and collided on the 401 freeway, would it be considered a freak accident?

Heard on Letterman, March 16, 2005:
Today in California, Michael Jackson paid off a leprechaun.

Heard on Jay Leno, March 21, 2005:
Michael Jackson, late for court again today, you know, because of his bad back. Well, you'd have a bad back too if every conversation you had in your life involved having to bend over and ask, "What's your name?"

Heard on Jay Leno, March 22, 2005:
Michael Jackson had a big St. Patrick's Day party at the Neverland Ranch last week. In fact, when the cops showed up, Michael told the kids, "Just tell 'em you're leprechauns."
You know how they pronounce Michael's name in Ireland? "Pete O'Phile."

Heard on Letterman, March 22, 2005:
Insiders now claim that Michael Jackson is zonked on medication, cut off from reality and headed for a nervous breakdown... No, wait a minute... that's me.

Heard on Conan, March 22, 2005:
If it's possible, you always think with the Michael Jackson trial it couldn't get stranger, then you tune in the next day and it's absolute madness.
Yesterday, Michael showed up late again, and then he broke down crying at one point. In fact, people close to Michael say he hasn't been this upset since they canceled "The Wonder Years."

Heard on Kimmel, March 22, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial continued today. Michael either showed up on time for court today, or showed up really, really late for court yesterday, I'm not sure...
He's been complaining about a bad back. His doctor says it's a combination of stress from the trial, and sleeping in a four-foot long racecar bed.

Heard on Jay Leno, March 23, 2005:
As you know, Michael Jackson late again to court, twice this week ... have you seen him? Two people helping him walk into the building; he's constantly late; he's crying a lot; he's walking stiffly ... I think he's going through menopause.
Yesterday, Michael brought his personal magician into court with him. Good to see this thing doesn't turn into a circus. I guess the magician's job at Neverland was to make the young boys' pants disappear.
According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money.

Heard on Kimmel, March 23, 2005:
Today was a very good day for Michael Jackson ... well, I guess as good as it can get when you're on trial for child molestation. For the second straight day, Michael was 20 minutes early to court. What he's done -- and this is very clever --- he's started TiVo'ing "Teletubbies."
There's a story going around that when Michael gets off scot-free, which will happen, he's going to sign a deal to be the house performer at the new Trump casino that they're building in Las Vegas. I guess things went well with Celine Dion at Caesar's Palace, and they figured why not sign up another superstar white woman to perform.

Heard on Jay Leno, March 24, 2005:
In the Michael Jackson trial, one of Jackson's lawyers slumped over in his chair and had to be taken to the hospital yesterday on a stretcher, did you see that? It happened right after Michael told him he was really broke and couldn't pay him.

Heard on Conan, March 24, 2005:
Yesterday at the Michael Jackson trial, jurors were shown a pornographic magazine taken from the Neverland Ranch called Over 50. When asked why he bought the magazine Over 50, Michael said, "I thought they meant months."

Heard on Ferguson, March 28, 2005:
It's a bad day today in California, for the defense in the Michael Jackson case. The judge asked Michael what kind of laptop he had, and Michael said, "His name is Timmy."

Heard on Kimmel, March 28, 2005:
Jurors in the Michael Jackson trial got to look at his adult videos and magazines. It's even worse than your mom finding them, having a jury go through them. Some of the things he had -- he had Penthouse magazine, he had Barely Legal, he had something called "Photos of Sydney Men," and this shocking video, "Girls Gone."

Heard on Jay Leno, March 29, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial started 45 minutes late again yesterday after Michael showed up and started crying... Yeah, he's crying because he doesn't have the Robert Blake jury.
This has been a very stressful week for Michael Jackson. You know how he deals with stress? You what he likes to do when he's in court? He likes to picture his accuser in his underwear.
Michael says he prays every day over the phone with the Reverend Jesse Jackson. And today Jesse said: "That was Michael? I thought I was hitting on Janet."

Heard on Miller, March 29, 2005:
In an interview on Sunday, Michael Jackson declared he is the victim of a conspiracy and asked fans around the world to pray for him. Jackson would not go into detail about what exactly the conspiracy is, but did hint it was being perpetrated by people who do not like their kids being molested... Jackson went on to say his persecution was identical to that of black luminaries such as Nelson Mandela and Muhammad Ali... Except, of course, for the black part.

Heard on Ferguson, March 29, 2005:
The judge in the Michael Jackson trial ruled to allow testimony from past accusers. So you thought the lines were long at Disneyland... now you're gonna see something.
Michael Jackson claims he's the victim of a conspiracy by a group that's trying to make him out to be a weirdo. I believe that group is called "the public."

Heard on Conan, March 30, 2005:
It's was a bad day for Michael Jackson, because new tapes have emerged where Jackson says he didn't lose his virginity until he was age 32. On the bright side, Jackson's been named an honorary Trekkie.

Heard on Jay Leno, March 31, 2005:
Lisa Marie Presley will kick off her spring tour April 26, in support of her new album. Her album is called, "Now What?" which is the same thing Michael said to her on their wedding night.

Heard on Miller, March 31, 2005:
A flight attendant that flew with Michael Jackson and his accuser from Miami to Santa Barbara testified Wednesday that she served Jackson wine in a Diet Coke can. You know, I guess when your nose is down to a piece of bathtub stopper, you don't really need glassware to release the bouquet anymore.

Heard on Kimmel, March 31, 2005:
Not a good week for Michael Jackson, the low light being when he showed up to court an hour and forty minutes late. No one knew where he was. Michael claims he was hospitalized with back problems. He's had a bad back, I guess, ever since he tried to give both Macaulay Culkin and Immanuel Lewis a piggyback ride at the same time.

Heard on Jay Leno, April 1, 2005:
Did you see Lisa Marie on "Oprah," talking about her marriage to Michael? She said she first got suspicious something was wrong on their honeymoon, when Michael carried the bellboy over the threshold.
I'm sure you've heard this. Michael Jackson was caught on tape saying he was a virgin until he was the age of 32. I mean, is that really shocking? I mean, he was a black man guy 'til he was 35.

"Johnny Cochran died and had a funeral. You know who was at the funeral -- both O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson. In fact, Michael cornered O.J. and said, 'How do you get stains off a glove?'" -- Bill Maher
"What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney? One has pasty white skin, fake body parts and he's creepy; the other's Michael Jackson." -- Jay Leno
"The judge in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial selected 250 candidates for the jury pool, which Jackson himself has selected 20 for the kiddie pool." -- Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Michael Jackson announced this week that the Neverland Ranch is no longer home to him. He said he can't go back there. Which of course is really bad news for the kids locked in the crawlspace." -- Jay Leno
Heard on Ferguson, April 5, 2005:
Have you been watching the Michael Jackson trial? I've decided I'm not going to do any more Michael Jackson gags. It's just a late-night thing, I'm not going to do it. It's because (a) they're not very good, and (b) they're starting to creep me out. All this new evidence and stuff, it looks like he's going to jail. He's going down! ... That's a bad choice of words ...
I'm doing no more Michael Jackson jokes. But ... the judge in the Michael Jackson trial has ruled that past allegations against Michael Jackson are now admissible. Michael was so upset when he got the news, some color actually drained into his face.

Heard on Jay Leno, April 6, 2005:
There was no testimony in the Michael Jackson trial today. Apparently, all the witnesses had a big spelling test. More bad new for Michael Jackson. It now looks as though is inner child will testify against him.

Heard on Kimmel, April 6, 2005:
Michael Jackson -- singer, I don't know if you've heard of him... He got a break from his trial today, and he needed it because, I mean, the Ferris Wheel hadn't been oiled, the giraffes hadn't been milked... I mean, the Neverland Ranch is a mess.
Michael Jackson actually went to a funeral today. It's kind of weird, because on one hand, you have the pope lying in state, and on the other you have Johnnie Cochran. I think that's what they mean by the yin and the yang. Thousands of people showed up for his funeral today to pay their respects. In particular, I think Johnnie's family will miss him, as well as his colleagues, his former clients, and really, anyone else whoever killed his wife.

Heard on Jay Leno, April 7, 2005:
You know what's the difference between the Lakers and Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson actually gets excited about heading to the showers.
Not looking good for Michael. His accountants announced today he is finished doing his taxes. He's declared three children as defendants, and 47 accusers...

Heard on Ferguson, April 7, 2005:
A judge today ordered a man to stay 100 feet away from Janet Jackson. Now here's the test to see if you're too close -- if you can see her nipple without squinting.
Michael Jackson, the other Jackson, was late to court due to illness. The good news is, he's got a clean bill of health from the ear, nose, nose, nose, no nose, and throat doctor.

Heard on Kimmel, April 7, 2005:
A lot going on in the Michael Jackson trial. Yesterday, they had a fingerprint expert to analyze prints they found on a Penthouse Magazine the police seized from the Neverland Ranch. Apparently, the prints are from Michael, Michael's accuser, the accuser's brother, and a giraffe, which was weird...
They say Michael's prints were very prominent because his fingers were covered with a film of Tootsie Pops and Lunchables.

Heard on Jay Leno, April 8, 2005:
Here's the latest in the Michael Jackson trial, if you've been following this thing. A former security guard said he saw Michael performing sex acts. It's pretty amazing when you consider his first two wives never even saw that.
As you know, one boy (in the trial) mentioned a "tickling game" that got out of hand. Which is, coincidentally, how I got this job.

Heard on Miller, April 8, 2005:
Approximately 5,000 people attended the funeral of Johnnie Cochran on Wednesday, including O.J. Simpson, Michael Jackson, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. Actually, O.J. played a major role at the funeral, as he led a slow speed procession to the cemetery in a convoy of white Ford Broncos.

Heard on Jay Leno, April 11, 2005:
The district attorney will claim that Michael Jackson molested actor Macauley Culkin. You know what that means. Michael was cheating on Webster.

Heard on Miller, April 12, 2005:
Jackson's former chef testified Friday that he saw the pop star reach up Macauley Culkin's shorts as he was delivering French fries to Jackson one night. Of course, at the Neverland Ranch, that's called a Happy Meal.

Heard on Ferguson, April 12, 2005:
It's a bad day today in California, for the defense in the Michael Jackson case. The judge asked Michael what kind of laptop he had, and Michael said, "His name is Timmy."

Top Ten Signs You're Not Getting Enough Sleep on Letterman, April 14, 2005:
1. You're beginning to think Michael Jackson might be innocent.
2. Duties as President limit you to a mere 11 hours a night.
3. You take naps at work -- only problem, you sleep in the nude.
4. (Writers too tired to write number four)
5. You schedule unnecessary surgery just for the three hours of general anesthetic.
6. Your typical lunch: coffee grounds on whole wheat.
7. When asked to describe yourself, most people say "Lethargic Sumbitch".
8. You're so fatigued, you get winded chewing gum.
9. Can't even stay awake for the two minutes it takes to have sex.
10. You always fall asleep on airplanes -- and you're the pilot.

Heard on Jay Leno, April 22, 2005:
Tonight our guests are country star Alan Jackson and "American Idol" judge Randy Jackson. We have every musical Jackson not currently on trial.

Heard on Jay Leno, April 28, 2005:
Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe is testifying against Michael. I just hope this doesn't turn Michael off of women forever.
Do you realize she's the first person to testify that Michael hasn't seen naked?
There was one embarrassing moment while she was testifying when she was asked to point out the man she was married to for three years. She pointed to Latoya.

Heard on Conan, April 28, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial is the big news right now. Today two of Michael's lawyers got into a shouting match in the parking lot. The lawyers got so childish that Michael started hitting on them.

Heard on Jay Leno, April 28, 2005:
Have you been following the Jackson trial? What was supposed to be the Prosecution's star witness, Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe praised Michael Jackson yesterday. Jackson was so happy that after court he told Debbie "If you were a 12 year old boy I could kiss you."
It's not looking good for the prosecution in the Michael Jackson case. In fact, Michael is already planning a big party at Neverland for the night he's acquitted. If you go, remember it's "BYOB": Bring Your Own Boy.

Heard on Miller, May 3, 2005:
I'd like to take a quick moment to personally thank Jennifer Wilbanks for being such a conniving, narcissistic, self-important human being. If she hadn't pulled her little runaway bride stunt triggering a massive cross-country manhunt, I'd be standing here telling a bunch of Michael Jackson jokes. Instead, I have Fresh Meat. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you again for being such a self-indulgent, deer-in-the-headlights, commitment-phobic be-yotch.

Heard on Jay Leno, May 11, 2005:
Michael Jackson's defense lawyers plan to put three more men on the stand who say that as boys they slept in the same bed as Michael and nothing happened. The boys names are Tito, Jermaine and Jackie.

Heard on Jay Leno, May 16, 2005:
Today is Janet Jackson's 39th birthday. She's starting to get up there in years. Soon she'll have to open her pants for a breast to pop out.

Heard on Conan, May 16, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial is about to begin. Reporters are saying that Michael is a lot like Martha Stewart and if he's acquitted he'll come back bigger than ever. The main reason they're alike though is that they're both successful white women.

Heard on Jay Leno, May 17, 2005:
Michael Jackson joke of the night: As you may have heard, next Tuesday I am being called to testify in the Michael Jackson trial. I have to go up there. Despite what happens, I just hope that Michael and I can continue to be friends and ride Harleys together on the weekends.

Heard on Jay Leno, May 19, 2005:
In the Michael Jackson trial - a former Jackson security guard testified that the accuser and his brother would get drunk in the wine cellar when Michael wasn't around. But in their defense if you knew you had to sleep in Jackson's bed later that night you'd have to get drunk first too.

Heard on Jay Leno, May 23, 2005:
By now I'm sure you've all seen that photograph of Saddam Hussein in his underwear. Here's the really creepy part - it was taken at Michael Jackson's house.

Heard on Jay Leno, May 24, 2005:
(On testifying in the Michael Jackson trial) You know the worst part about testifying? I had to follow the chimp. Uh, you should have seen that witness chair, it was disgusting.
Actually there was one king of embarrassing moment when they asked me to point out the defendant and I pointed to Latoya.
And now there's talk of Michael Jackson leaving the country as soon as the trial is over. One report says he wants to go to Africa and "disappear". Maybe he'd have a better chance doing that somewhere else. Like Sweden.

Heard on Jay Leno, May 25, 2005:
Everyone's talking about all these "Star Wars" fans dressed in strange costumes. They look like aliens and weird creatures from outer space. No, I'm sorry. That was outside the Jackson trial yesterday. I was in Santa Maria yesterday. I got confused.
Actually, yesterday I ran into Jackson in the lobby before going in to the courtroom. And ironically he was on his way to the little boys room.
You know the strangest thing about testifying yesterday? After the trial O.J. Simpson picked me up in his ford bronco and took me to Robert Blake's house for an Italian dinner.

Heard on Jay Leno, May 26, 2005:
As you may know, I testified in the Michael Jackson trial this week. You know, I was sitting on the witness stand, Michael wouldn't even look at me. Then I realized, of course I'm over 12. Nothing personal...

Heard on Jay Leno, May 26, 2005:
Today in a surprising twist prosecutors charged Michael Jackson with fondling Mary Lay Letourneau's new husband.
Now it's all up to the jury. Michael Jackson is in the hands of the jury. Which is kind of ironic, this is first time they've ever been in the hands of adults.
Actually there's a lot of talk that if Michael is acquitted, he will be leaving the country. Or as he calls it, he's being transferred to another parish.

Heard on Jay Leno, May 30, 2005 (rerun):
Michael Jackson is broke. According to ABC he is broke and can't make the payroll for the employees at the Neverland Ranch. It's so bad that tonight the kids at the dinner table said, "Llama again?"

Heard on Jay Leno, June 1, 2005 (rerun):
There are so many scandals now they're all starting to run together. Last night I fell asleep watching the news and I had a nightmare where I dreamed a Georgia bride ran away to the Neverland Ranch so she could secretly meet Paula Abdul and have a three way with Pat O'Brien.

Heard on Jay Leno, June 2, 2005:
If Michael Jackson is acquitted he's going to throw a big party at the Neverland Ranch. The party will be B.Y.O.B. -- bring your own boy.

Heard on Jay Leno, June 7, 2005:
Here's something interesting - Michael Jackson's father said if Michael is found guilty, Tito will do the time.

Heard on Conan, June 7, 2005:
According to Michael Jackson's father, Joe, if Michael is found guilty he will take care of Michael's kids. Joe Jackson went on to say, "I might be old, but I can still dangle kids from a balcony."

Heard on Conan, June 8, 2005:
If Michael Jackson is convicted he could end up in the same prison as Charles Manson. Charles Manson heard this and said, "I hope not, that guy is nuts."

Heard on Jay Leno, June 9, 2005:
The Jackson jury only deliberated for a half day today and left without reaching a decision. The jurors said they didn't want to leave early but, a couple of them had publicity shoots for their book deals.
Former child star, "Home Alone" star, Macaulay Culkin pleaded guilty yesterday to drug charges. Which is kind of ironic, if he went to prison, he could wind in bed again with Michael Jackson.
Jesse Jackson has been Michael's spiritual advisor through the trial. Michael Jackson has had spiritual advisors throughout his career. But none of them have really worked out. You know what they need out at that Neverland Ranch? Catholic nuns with rulers... "Keep you hands off that boy."

Heard on Jay Leno, June 10, 2005:
Still no verdict in the Michael Jackson trial. They say because of cash-flow problems at the Neverland Ranch, feeding time has been reduced from twice a day to just once per day. And that's just for Michael's brothers.
Supposedly, Michael is 270 million dollars in debt. In fact, the last time Michael Jackson was in the black was, well... when he was black.

Q: How do we know that it turns Micheal Jackson on to go to court?
A: Because he came in his pajamas!

Micheal Jackson was found innocent today.
He is free to spend another 20 years in a juvenile detention center.

Heard on Jay Leno, June 13, 2005:
Kinda slow news day. Did anything happen today? Good news for Michael Jackson, not guilty on ten counts! The bad news - he's going to Disneyland!
I tell you Michael Jackson was so happy with the verdict, when he got back to the Neverland Ranch, he gave all the cleaning monkeys the rest of the day off.
Well it's over. Thank god. Now Michael can go back to just being a regular guy. Watch the game, have a brewskie.

Heard on Letterman, June 13, 2005:
The verdict is in and Michael Jackson is not guilty on all charges. However, his plastic surgeon was found guilty on all counts.
This just in... Saddam Hussein wants his trial moved to Santa Maria, California.
After the trial the press was talking to the jurors and one of the jurors said that Michael's innocence was as plain as the nose on his face.
Michael had lots of supporters. In fact even if convicted his chimp said that he would wait for Michael.
We knew the jury was close to a verdict today because earlier they asked the judge to see O.J.'s glove.
Michael said he was thankful for the California legal system and a jury of twelve dumbasses.

Heard on Jay Leno, June 14, 2005:
I'm sorry if I'm a little groggy today. I was up all night at the big sleepover victory party at Michael Jackson's place. Just Jesus juice all night long!
As you know Michael Jackson was found not guilty on all counts yesterday. In fact, the first thing Michael did after being found not guilty was throw away that back brace he's been wearing. Don't need that thing anymore!
Of course a lot of people were incredibly happy about the verdict. None of them children...
Legal experts say the key was that the defense really didn't play the race card. Well duh. They didn't know which race to play.
This trial lasted 14 weeks. Do you realize that's 6 weeks longer than average NBC sitcom.
After the trial last night, Michael finally got a chance to relax. He went out and had a little Mexican. I believe it was a 14-year-old named Ramón.
Today on the news they showed up in Santa Maria, all the media packing up and getting ready to go home. Yeah, it's always a sad day when the circus leaves town.

Heard on Letterman, June 14, 2005:
It was so hot that Michael Jackson went out for ice cream by himself!
As you know Michael Jackson was found not guilty on all ten counts. Now he says he wants to just go back to his normal reclusive whack job self.

Top Ten Things Overheard During The Michael Jackson Verdict
1. Another case of a white guy getting preferential treatment!
2. Wait, have Tito, Latoya and Jermaine always been on the jury?
3. Michael, good news - I just saved 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico.
4. We the jury find the defendant...creepy.
5. Do you think this'll be on the news tonight?
6. I'm a celebrity in an L.A. courtroom - I like my chances.
7. No, I think he'll do fine in prison.
8. Will Mr. Blake and Mr. Simpson please keep the laughter down?
9. Of course he's nervous - look how pale he is.
10. We the jury find the defendant not guilty - oh God, did I say the wrong one?

Heard on Jay Leno, June 15, 2005:
Well the big story, the Los Angeles Police Department announced they will no longer arrest famous people who break the law. What's the point?
I bet Russell Crowe wishes he threw that phone at somebody in Los Angeles, huh?
Pretty amazing - the jury found Michael Jackson innocent. Robert Blake innocent. O.J. Simpson innocent. Now the big question, is Phil Spector famous enough to that same get out of jail free card. Hasn't had a hit for a while.
Today Michael Jackson thanked all those close to him that made it all happen. You know, the little people.
It's kind of ironic when you think about it. The only Jackson you can accuse of committing a lewd act is Janet at the Super Bowl. The one we wanted to see.

Heard on Letterman, June 15, 2005:
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor is Batman
1. He's a recluse in a weird outfit with a young sidekick. (Sorry, that's a sign your neighbor is Michael Jackson.)
2. When he goes on vacation, asks if you'll water his plants and grease his bat pole.
3. On Thanksgiving, you see green lantern holding a JELL-O mold.
4. You hear him on the phone asking J. Crew if they carry seersucker cowls.
5. Introduces his parents - Carl and Linda Batman.
6. Who's banging on his door at 4 AM but an angry, knocked-up Catwoman.
7. He's re-roofing his house to fix loose shingles and grappling hook damage.
8. His teen son drove to the prom in the Batmobile.
9. When you mention Superman, he rolls his eyes and mutters, "pantywaist".
10. Always complaining about his "rubber suit rash".

Q: What's the most surprising thing about Michael Jackson's not guilty verdict?
A: That 12 adults got him off!!

Heard on Jay Leno, June 17, 2005:
Have you heard this rumor that Michael Jackson might be performing in Las Vegas, although his career isn't what it used to be. I understand he's going to play Diana Ross in the legends show.

Heard on Jay Leno, June 20, 2005:
Another earthquake -- this is getting crazy! That's like four in a week. You think this is gods way of saying he doesn't believe the Michael Jackson jury either.
This is interesting - sources close to Michael say that he is planning on leaving the country and living in either South Africa or Switzerland. South Africa or Switzerland -- why is everything either black or white with this guy?

Heard on Conan:
Michael Jackson is leaving the country. He is either going to South Africa or Switzerland. Seems he is a little confused. His ancestors come from South Africa but he looks like he's from Switzerland.

Heard on Jay Leno, June 21, 2005:
Here's some great news: an 11-year-old boy scout who disappeared in the mountains of Utah late last week has been found perfectly healthy. It turns out, when he heard about the acquittal; he was just hiding from Michael Jackson.

Michael's new home song (in tune of spongebob) by Fred, Jun 29, 2005
Are ya ready for me kids?
Aye, Aye Jackson!
I can't heeeaaar yooouuu!
AYE, AYE JACKSON!
sha-moooooooooooole!!!.........
Who lives in a pineapple in Tennessee?
Michael Jackson!
With teeth that are yellow and white is he.
Michael Jackson!!
Nautical nonsense be somethin' of a cult.
Michael Jackson!!
Then hit the deck and be an adult
Michael Jackson!!
Ready?
Michael Jackson!
Michael Jackson!
Michael Jackson! ,
Michaaaaael! Pull ya Paaants!
eehee, eehee, eehee, eehee, eehee, sharrmole! sh..arrmole.

From Heather, July 6, 2005
Mom: So did you hear Michael Jackson was found innocent?
Son: Yeah, it's the first time he's gotten off in front of adults!

Heard on Conan, July 15, 2005 (rerun):
Michael Jackson gave every juror a Tiffany keychain with the inscription "I will love you forever". Then on the back, it says "see you next trial".

Heard on Leno, July 18, 2005:
Thank you for coming out on the hottest day of the year so far. It was 107 today. People are sweating like Michael Jackson looking at pictures of Harry Potter.

Heard on Leno, July 20, 2005:
Thank you once again for coming out on another hot day. It was so hot Michael Jackson walked up to a boy selling lemonade and just got the lemonade.

Heard on Leno, July 21, 2005:
Michael Jackson says he wants to move to Berlin. As soon as the Germans heard about it they started to put the wall back up.

Heard on Leno, July 25, 2005:
Michael Jackson's adult magazine collection has been ordered to be returned to him. Michael wasn't able to be reached for comment. He will be in the bathroom until Thursday.

Heard on Leno, August 9, 2005:
Two jurors in the Michael Jackson case now say they've changed their minds; they now say Michael is guilty. I believe the legal term for this is "book deal".
Here's my favorite story - two of the Michael Jackson jurors were on MSNBC tonight to say they regretted acquitting Michael and they know think he's really guilty. It's kind of sad, in California; it's always the jury who's the last to know.
Can we at least get these two morons to give us back the $10 a day we paid them to be on jury duty?
There was a rumor that Lisa Marie Presley has sold Graceland. Luckily it turned out not to be true. I'm glad she didn't sell it. I was so afraid the new buyers would turn it into some kind of gaudy, tacky tourist attraction.

Heard on Letterman, August 9, 2005:
Have you heard this? Two of the Michael Jackson jurors now believe he's guilty. Gee... if only they could have done something about it.

Heard on Conan, August 19, 2005:
Michael Jackson is in Bahrain with his 20 year old protégé. Actually his protégé is two ten year olds.

Heard on Conan, September 6, 2005 (rerun):
Ever since the verdict in the Michael Jackson trial has been released, the sales of Michael's albums have gone up.
In a related story Michael Bolton has announced that he sleeps with young boys.

Heard on Leno, September 6, 2005:
Chicken experts at the University of Georgia, which sounds like a joke itself, have discovered how to transform dark meat into white meat. Well nice to see Michael Jackson's doctor working again.

Heard on Letterman, September 6, 2005:
Michael Jackson is going to get a complete makeover. He wants to look more macho and less creepy. Another job too big for FEMA.
Michael Jackson is trying to change his image to become more macho.
Michael is serious about this makeover. For example, today he renamed the Neverland Ranch to The Ponderosa.
He wants to look more macho. He's now lifting weights, wearing shorter wigs and using less make-up. Hey -- it worked for Janet Reno!

Heard on Leno, September 16, 2005:
There was one kind of embarrassing moment (in Bush's speech) when they pointed the giant statue in the square and told President Bush it was Andrew Jackson and Bush said, "Now was he the oldest or was it Tito?"

Heard on Conan, October 1, 2005:
Michael Jackson is back in the news...
Fox News reported that Michael Jackson asked Stevie Wonder to appear on his new album, but Stevie turned him down.
When asked why, Stevie replied "I'm blind, but I'm not crazy."

Heard on Conan, October 5, 2005:
Michael Jackson is in the news again...
Michael Jackson is suing a German contractor for breach of contract.
Michael said that when he asked for payment in Marks for the contract, he wanted boys named Mark.

Celebrity Interviews: Who is the Scariest Man on Conan, October 5, 2005:
Stephen King said "the man who wrote The Omen".
Michael Jackson said "the white man I see when I look into the mirror".

Heard on Leno, October 5, 2005: (rerun)
Macaulay Culkin was on the stand today.
He testified that he and Michael Jackson were playmates back when he was 10 and Michael Jackson was 35.
It came out today that Michael claimed that his chimpanzees and monkeys did light housework.
Since when are apes experts in cleanliness?
They didn't start the housework until Michael found out that they were no good in bed.

Heard on Leno, October 6, 2005:
Emergency workers in L.A. today pulled an 8-year-old boy out of a 30-foot-hole he'd fallen into. They pulled him out using ropes and pulleys. Michael Jackson immediately bought the property, calling it a "potential gold mine".

Heard on Leno, November 4, 2005:
Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch is for sale. No one has bought it yet, but I understand they have a firm offer from the Boston archdioceses.

Blasphemy In A Bottle, November 7, 2005:
In a full-bodied blend of blasphemy and ingenuity, a Los Angeles couple is seeking to market a wine called "Jesus Juice" that bears a label showing a Michael Jackson-like figure appearing to be crucified.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive...susjuice1.html

Heard on Leno, November 10, 2005:
Michael Jackson's father says that Michael probably won't ever come back to live in the United States again. So kids, it's safe, you can come out now.

Heard on Leno, November 17, 2005:
Michael Jackson is moving to the Persian Gulf. This week he was over there and caused a riot when he went into the wrong restroom. In Michael's defense I'm not sure if there is a right restroom.

Heard on Leno, December 1, 2005:
More problems for Michael. It now seems that his ex-wife Debbie Rowe is now saying Michael is not the biological father of her children. Debbie Rowe is speaking out against Michael. Know what that means. Apparently the check bounced.

Heard on Conan, December 28, 2005:
It's being reported that Michael Jackson is going to leave the country and move to the Middle East. Finally we have found a way to strike back at al Qaeda!

Heard on Conan, January 19, 2006:
According to the "National Enquirer", Michael Jackson plans to convert to Islam and will even take an Islamic name -- "Malcolm in The Middle X".
http://www.able2know.com/forums/about64232.html
http://funreports.com/fun/12-12-2005...hael_jackson-0
http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7...174956,00.html
http://www.adherents.com/largecom/famconv_islam.html
http://www.adherents.com/people/pj/Michael_Jackson.html

Heard on Letterman, February 7, 2006:
The Vatican has hired Michael Jackson to write prayer music. Because when your church has an image problem -- you call Michael Jackson!
In fact he's already been named an honorary priest.

Heard on Leno, February 8, 2006:
Tonight was the 48th annual Grammy Awards. It was also the 96th birthday party for the boy scouts. Gee, I wonder which one Michael Jackson went to?

Heard on Conan, February 9, 2006:
Michael Jackson is back in the news. Apparently Michael is so broke he now has to fly commercial, no longer flies on private planes. This finally answers the question -- what's worse than being seated next to some fat guy?

Heard on Leno, February 21, 2006:
The word from Fox News is that Prince Abdullah of Bahrain has thrown Michael Jackson out of his palace. Michael Jackson is now homeless in Bahrain. That's pretty dangerous isn't it, for a cartoon character to be walking around in a Muslim county. That's not good right now.

Heard on Letterman, February 21, 2006:
An Arab country in charge of ports. That's like FEMA in charge of disaster relief. That's like Wayne Gretzky's wife in charge of your bank account. It's like Michael Jackson as your nanny.

Heard on Letterman, February 22, 2006:
The United Arab Emirates has agreed to give our ports back if we take Michael Jackson back.

Heard on Leno, March 13, 2006:
Last week in L.A. authorities shut down Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Hey guys, what's the hurry? You thought FEMA was slow to respond to a crisis. More bad news. You know who bought it? The Catholic Church.

Heard on Letterman, March 13, 2006:
The Neverland Ranch has been closed in California. Good to see them nip that in the bud.

Heard on Conan, March 20, 2006:
Michael Jackson spoke about the trial. He said that driving past Chucky Cheese without stopping was the hardest thing he's every done.

Heard on Leno, April 18, 2006:
Michael has made a Jackson deal with a New York investment group to re-finance $300 million dollars in loans. After the deal was worked out they told Michael don't spend the money all on one kid, ok?

Fake pictures of Michael Jackson in the May 2006 GQ magazine:
http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,18966,00.html
http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercu...s/14512349.htm
http://www.nydailynews.com/front/sto...p-350965c.html
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/...ory?id=1929218

Heard on Leno, May 4, 2006:
Yesterday Michael Jackson came out in support of boycotts. Well he came out in support of boys on cots.

Heard on Leno, June 7, 2006:
Do you know how Michael Jackson spent 6/6/06? With three six year olds.

Cocaine in Jacko's Pants, Sun Online, June 17, 2006:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005550473,00.html
Traces of cocaine were found on Michael Jackson's underwear during a police raid, it was revealed yesterday.
The discovery emerged as the troubled singer faced shock new claims that he is abusing and trafficking drugs.
Cops are secretly investigating allegations by former aides that Jacko, 47, is hooked on anti-depressants and painkillers.
They say he pops up to 40 pills a day -- and was seen falling flat on his face after injecting himself with a mystery drug.
He is suspected of transporting drugs from California to Bahrain, where he currently lives, and obtaining them with fake prescriptions.