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Old April 5th, 2012 #1
Alex Linder
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Default How to Be

[i was going to title this 'how to be a woman,' but it occurred to me most of things i was going to say applied to all three or four sexes, or however many there are these days.]

I'm just going to list little everyday things I see that I would love to be paid to hit people with bats to stop, were such things allowed.
 
Old April 5th, 2012 #2
Alex Linder
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1. (w) don't lock your face in an expression (rictus) of surprise. first, it will freeze that way over time; second, it's called composure. look into it. the most poised people i have ever met were former professional ice skaters. there's something to be said for women, particularly, who can master their emotions and keep themselves composed. not an easy thing to do for any of us, but impressive when seen.

2. don't come up to the cash register and then stare at the cashier like a bollixed water buffalo when she seems to expect you to transfer her something pecuniary...and then you-get-it! dig in your ugly purse for your checkbook. enough of you special-needs store-visitors. dig it, ponygirls: if you want to purchase goods, you have to give them money...every single time! no, i'm not kidding. they never just let you walk out. knowing this, plan ahead.

3. when you commit to murdering people, don't call your helper fifty times before/after the deed is done. a corollary is, don't take the exact amount out of your ATM your hired killer needs to buy his special equipment the day or two before the dirty deed. just basic common sense, people.

If you ever wonder, as I do, if people are faking being as oblivious as they appear to be, the show The First 48, and the other murder shows, will relieve you: they are. The amount of planning that goes into even the average white murder is astonishingly small, given the stakes.

Last edited by Alex Linder; April 5th, 2012 at 09:25 PM.
 
Old April 5th, 2012 #3
N.B. Forrest
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex Linder View Post
1. (w) don't lock your face in an expression of suprise. first, it will freeze that way over time; second, it's called composure. look into it. the most poised people i have ever met were former professional ice skaters. there's something to be said for women, particularly, who can master their emotions and keep themselves composed. not an easy thing to do for any of us, but impressive when seen.

2. don't come up to the cash register and then stare at the cashier like a bollixed water buffalo when she seems to expect you to transfer her something pecuniary...and then you-get-it! dig in your ugly purse for your checkbook. enough of you special-needs store-visitors. dig it, ponygirls: if you want to purchase goods, you have to give them money...every single time! no, i'm not kidding. they never just let you walk out. knowing this, plan ahead.

3. when you commit to murdering people, don't call your helper immediately before/after the deed is done. a corollary is, don't take the exact amount out of your ATM your hired killer needs to buy his special equipment the day or two before the dirty deed. just basic common sense, people.

If you ever wonder, as I do, if people are faking being as oblivious as they appear to be, the show 48 hours, and the other murder shows, will relieve you: they are. The amount of planning that goes into even the average white murder is astonishingly small, given the stakes.
Most murderers are just too stupid for the job: a cause for rejoicing for homicide detectives everywhere. Apart from obviously lacking the wattage to lay out the complex plans to carry out a successful snuffing, they can't even handle the simple task of keeping their mouths shut - even though they're told it's their right to do so, and that anything they do say will be used to shitcan them. How many times I've laughed when watching interrogation vids, the interrogator (in many cases little more than trained monkey himself) just keeps 'em yapping, grinding them down, often delivering the "the Lawd wants you to tell the truth" coup de grace.....
 
Old April 5th, 2012 #4
MikeTodd
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Quote:
How many times I've laughed when watching interrogation vids, the interrogator (in many cases little more than trained monkey himself) just keeps 'em yapping, grinding them down, often delivering the "the Lawd wants you to tell the truth" coup de grace.....
My buddy watches that show a lot. He calls it, "Breakin' da nig".
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Old April 5th, 2012 #5
Dakota Dave
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The one that bugs the crap out of me is if your being questioned by the authorites shut your pie hole and get a friggin lawyer! My old man told me when I was a young pup that if Mom catches you elbow deep in the cookie jar with crumbs on your face your reply should be "cookies? What cookies?" lol.
 
Old May 10th, 2012 #6
Alex Linder
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how to be (a woman). control your voice. you can be the best looking woman in the world, and if you have an unappealing voice, you have undermined yourself more than you would know. and that goes the other way too - a very great amount of ugliness can be made up for by an appealing voice. or maybe it's just me. but the most perfect Nordic chick imaginable, the actress on the tedious show "Bones" has perhaps the worst voice I've ever heard. Perhaps it is a flatness calculated to underline the rationality of her character, but it just kills her sex appeal. Anyway, good example of what I mean.

How to be a woman - learn how to modulate and use your voice. If you do, it will get you nearly everything you want - all on its own.
 
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