|June 26th, 2009||#1|
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: The Big Rock
OH nigger stores girlfriend's head, arms in freezer
$2 million bond set for man accused of killing, dismembering girlfriend
Friday, June 26, 2009 10:18 AM
By Kathy Lynn Gray
The man police say killed his girlfriend and stashed parts of her body in his freezer was silent in court this morning.
Robert Knight, 50, of the West Side, is charged with one count of murder in the slaying of Tracey F. Moore, 44, who was living with him.
Knight hung his head as he came into the courtroom in handcuffs and jail garb this morning before Franklin County Municipal Court Judge Michael T. Brandt set a $2 million bond.
"He's ashamed to look at us," said William Bell, Moore's husband of 13 years, after the brief court appearance.
Bell and several of the nine children that he and Moore had together were in the courtroom during the proceeding.
Bell, 54, said he and Moore were still married even though she was living off and on with Knight. He said eight of their nine children are alive and range in age from 14 to 26.
Columbus police said Knight, 50, killed Moore Sunday, dismembered her body and scattered the remains around the West Bay Apartments complex where he lived.
Complex employees found some of the remains Wednesday and called police. Police found Moore's head and arms in Knight's freezer.
This morning, cadaver dogs found a few small remains in a wooded area near the complex. Last night's rain helped tamp down the scent of remains that had already been removed, making the job a little easier for the dogs, said Columbus homicide detective Jim Day.
Day said this morning that he believed police had found almost all of Moore's remains. Still, two divers continued to look in a pond at the center of the complex and other officers planned to search a garage.
Day expected police to clear the complex by tonight.
"What we found initially was enough for evidentiary purposes," he said. "The rest of this has just been trying to do the right thing."
"A careful study of anti-semitism prejudice and accusations might be of great value to many jews,
who do not adequately realize the irritations they inflict." - H.G. Wells (November 11, 1933)
|June 26th, 2009||#2|
Used Car Salesman
Join Date: Nov 2005
JIm, he probably didn't have any money for chicken. Fried nigger with Kraft honey mustard barbecue sauce. MMMMM!!!!!!
[8/6/2007 10:38:41 PM] craig_cobb says Fuck an A-- I'm with Alex--she is the greatest talent on the board--and you dense assholes can't see the sun.
|June 26th, 2009||#3|
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: In a changing neighborhood
She must've pissed him off. Maybe she ate the last slice of watermelon or hid his do rag. You know, something serious like that. So what's a boy to do?
|June 26th, 2009||#4|
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: The Big Rock
BTW, nice to see you're still around, Bud. You seemed to drop off the face of the earth there for a while.
"A careful study of anti-semitism prejudice and accusations might be of great value to many jews,
who do not adequately realize the irritations they inflict." - H.G. Wells (November 11, 1933)
|June 27th, 2009||#7|
Join Date: Apr 2006
Consider downloading the "Fast Dial" utility for FireFox and adding instantrimshot...
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?
A: "Feel the World."
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song?
A: "Don't let your son go down on me."
Rumor has it that Michael Jackson is in Switzerland undergoing cosmetic surgery on his pecker.
Then the description the California Justice Dept got from the little boy won't fit anymore.
Another rumor has it that he's finally going all the way and changing gender entirely.
Michael Jackson first wanted to look like Diana Ross, then a white person, now he wants to be A ROMAN CATHOLIC PRIEST.
Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Little Boy Blew.
Little Boy Blue.
Little Boy Blue who?
Q: What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy?
A: "The way you make me feel, it really turns me on!"
Q: What did Michael Jackson say when a boy in a car mooned him going down the road?
A: "I'll be there!"
If you play thriller backwards, you can hear Michael confessing all the names of the boys he touched. That's why it is 14 minutes long.
Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song?
A: "And then he touched me"
Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite rock song?
A: Sweet Child O' Mine.
Q: What was the first thing Michael Jackson did when he heard Sweet Child O' Mine?
A: Called Guns N' Roses to see if they could share some of their children with him.
I just bought a new car stereo... When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul music. When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music. Some kids ran in front of my car, and I shouted "fucking kids!", and it played Michael Jackson.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson have a tough guy reputation?
A: He has licked every kid possible.
Michael Jackson's found a way to stymie that L.A. search warrant:
He's invited Lorena Bobbitt over.
Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Lorena Bobbit?
A: "SILLY Bobbit! Dicks are for KIDS!"
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Miss Bobbit have in common?
A: They both played with little wieners.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?
A: He ate a nine year old wiener!
Q: Did you hear Micheal Jackson was found dead?
A: He got food poisoning from an 11 year old wiener.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson get kicked out of the school cafeteria?
A: Because he ate all the kids' wieners.
Q: What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
Q: What do Michael Jackson and an xbox have in common?
A: Both get turned on by kids!!!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
A: They both leave little boys' rooms with empty sacks.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Dr. Spock have in common?
A: They both know how to rear a child.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan have in common?
A: They both play ball in the Minor League.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan?
A: One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors.
Q: Why's Michael trying out for the NBA?
A: He's a crack shooter.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
A: One was the first man to walk on the moon, and the other f***s little boys.
Q: What does Michael have in common with NASA?
A: It's been 25 years since his first moon landing.
It was reported the other day that Michael Jackson wants to be one of the first civilians to travel into space.
A spokesperson for NASA said, "We're fine with the idea but the only problem is Jackson insists on coming back".
Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite holiday?
A: Christmas because he gives the well behaved kids a special gift...
Q: What does Micheal Jackson eat after his Chrismas dinner?
A: An under eight.
Q: Where's Michael going on holiday?
A: He's off to Tampa with the kids.
Q: Why were Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: They belonged to somebody else.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?
A: They both have small boys pants at half off!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?
A: They both wait 3 months after the child is born to give piercings.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to K Mart?
A: He heard they had small boys pants half off.
Q: What does Michael Jackson think of when he sees a boy in a McDonald's suit?
A: A happy meal.
McDonald's is bringing out a new "Michael Jackson Burger"...
It has 35 year old meat inside 5 year old buns.
The new burger at McDonald's is called the McJackson.
It consists of matured beef between two fresh white buns.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson not like eating at Taco Bell?
A: Because he doesn't want to think outside the bun.
Q: What did Michael Jackson order at the Chinese restaraunt?
A: Sum Yung Boy!
Q: What do Michael's rear and an LA jail have in common?
A: Both hold the juice.
Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!
Q: Why does Michael Jackson want to move to Ohio?
A: He heard there's a Youngstown there.
Q: What's Micheal Jackson's Chinese name?
Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson was taken to the Emergency Room?
A: He was choking on a small bone!
Q: Did you hear about the new McDonalds McJackson sandwich?
A: It's a 35 year old slab of meat between two 12 year old buns.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns!
Q: How many times does 12 go into 35?
A: Ask Michael Jackson.
Q: What's 6 + 46 + 5?
A: A threesome with Michael Jackson.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year old boyfriends?
A: Because there are twenty of them!
An engineer, a lawyer and Michael Jackson are all asked the same question, "What is 2+2?".
The engineer says, "Well, it is almost 4, but never actually reaches it."
The lawyer says. "Hm, case files seem to say it is 4."
Then they looked at Michael figuring he would get it wrong, then he said, "That's easy! The age of the boys I like!"
Q: How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Michael Jackson only screws little boys!
Q: Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
A: He doesn't mind reaching bottom.
Q: What's soft and brown and sometimes found in little boy's diapers?
A: Michael Jackson's hand!
Q: What's the worst stain to try and remove from little boy's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's makeup.
Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand.
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
A: The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.
Q: Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
A: Emily Dick in son.
Q: Why did Michael invite Macaulay Culkin to the house?
A: He's like the little boy he never had.
Q: How did Michael actually proposition the little boy?
A: It was just a slip of the tongue.
Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!
Q: What did Michael Jackson yell when he fell off the boat?
A: Throw me the bouy!!
Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy!
Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a Big Wheel parked outside his house!
Q: How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
A: By all the Big Wheels in his driveway.
Q: How does Michael like to party?
A: He sips a couple of Tall Boys.
Q: What's Michael's favorite snack?
A: Slim Jims.
Q: What's Michael's favorite fast food?
A: Big Boys.
Q: What's Michael's favorite dish?
A: Creamed shrimp.
Q: Did you hear Michael Jackson is moving to PA... Guess which town?
Q: Why is Michael so tough?
A: He can lick any kid on the block.
Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.
Q: Why was Michael Jackson kicked out of the Boy Scouts?
A: He was up to two packs a day.
Tuck the end of a jacket sleeve into your pants crotch. Hold the jacket off to the side. Then ask, "What's this?" "Dunno."
"Michael Jackson helping a kid put his coat on."
Q: What do Michael Jackson and PS2 have in common?
A: Little boys turn them on.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and zits have in common?
A: They both wait till your 12 to come on your face!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Rum have in common?
A: They both come in small tots.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?
A: They both come in tots.
Q: What does Michael hand round after dinner?
A: The under Eights.
Q: What does Michael Jackson give his guests after dinner?
A: Instead of after eight mints, he gives them under eight children.
Q: What's black and white and comes in little cans?
A: Michael Jackson.
Q: Hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?
A: It comes in a little can.
It's only a Michael Jackson DOLL, mother!!!
Q: Have you seen the new Michael Jackson candy bar?
A: It's white chocolate with no nuts.... (but kids like it)
Q: What's sex like for Michael?
A: Like candy from a baby.
Q: What is the worst thing about making love to Michael Jackson?
A: When the crib breaks.
Q: How do you find out Michael Jackson's sperm count?
A: Look it up in Webster's.
Q: Why is Michael Jackson opening a sperm bank?
A: He always has a shitload of semen.
Q: How do we know Michael Jackson isn't really a virgin?
A: He's got children out the ass.
I'm still a virgin and I'm fore-tee-three, not even Madonna will have sex with me... Hee hee hee!!
I'm still a virgin, and I'm fore-tee-fore, not even Madonna will nok on my door... hee hee hee!!
Q: What did Michael Jackson say after he was interrupted during sex?
A: "Shit happens!"
Q: Why does Michael Jackson scream?
A: Because it hurts.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson scream when he touches his nuts?
A: He's sore from the kids last night,
Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night...
Janet: Shall we get a pizza and video tonight?
Michael: Yeah, ok, can we get Aladin?
Janet: No, just a pizza and video.
Michael said to Debbie one night, "I fancy some entertainment, what shall we do?"
To which Debbie replied "I know we'll get a video."
Michael then said "Great, I'll get Aladdin."
Debbie said speedily "No Michael, You have been in trouble for that before."
Prince Michael Jackson, Jr. -- you know in a few years they'll probably change his name to:
"The Child Formerly Known as Michael Jackson's Baby".
IT'S A PLAN
LONDON (Reuter) -- Pop superstar Michael Jackson proudly showed off his infant son, Prince, in a photo exclusive and interview published by a British magazine Tuesday, declaring, "I want my son to live a normal life."
Q: What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?
A: Which one's mommy?
On November 19, 2002, Michael Jackson was photographed displaying 9 month old Prince Michael II to a throng of 200 fans by dangling him over the fourth floor balcony of the Adlon Hotel in Berlin. Prince Michael II had a white towel wrapped around his head. Perhaps Prince Michael II was recovering from plastic surgery because Michael thought that he looked too human.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby over a balcony?
A: Because he overheard his wife asking someone to drop the children off a few stories.
Michael Jackson has been spotted dangling children from a balcony again.
It makes a change because he usually tosses them off!!!
So Michael Jackson held his kid out above a crowd from the fire escape....
"What was he trying to do?!" "One-up Eric Clapton."
We recently heard Michael Jackson screaming: "Beat it, Beat it!"
Michael Jackson should have taken his own advise and just "beat it beat it beat it beat it", and he wouldn't be in the trouble that he is today.
Michael decided to have a boy of his own because it's too expensive to rent them at $2 Million a pop.
Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
A: Several children have fingered him.
Q: How will Michael pay off his old boyfriends?
A: Liquefy some assets.
Q: Why doesn't Michael have orgasms?
A: The big payoff comes a couple of months later.
Q: Why does Michael like children so much?
A: He knows how they feel.
Q: How did Michael get in trouble?
A: He was feeling a little Randy.
Q: How is Michael dealing with his problems?
A: He's holding his own.
Q: How are Michael's friends dealing with the problem?
A: They're all standing behind him.
Q: What psychological problem does Michael still suffer from?
A: Anal retention.
Q: How is Michael now?
A: Feeling a little crotchety.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson like to lose foot races to little boys?
A: He likes to come in a little behind.
Have you heard that Michael Jackson was spotted in the River Thames in London recently. At 1st it was thought that it was a suicide attempt but it was realized that he was just clinging onto a small buoy.
Michael Jackson was on his multi-million yacht off the Keys. It went down. The Coast Guard went looking; the Marines went looking; in the end it was OK though -- they found him bobbing up and down on a buoy.
Michael Jackson is opening a new Stations casino in Vegas...
...It will be called MolleStation.
Q: What was the big break in the Michael Jackson molestation case?
A: A doctor did a rectal exam of one of the boys bringing charges and found
... a white glove.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson wear a glove?
A: So he won't leave fingerprints on the kids.
Q: What is the most difficult thing to get out of little boys underwear?
A: Michael Jackson's makeup!
Q: Why does Michael Jackson wear a pair of boys' underwear on his arm?
A: It's a patch -- He's trying to quit.
Q: Why is Michael Jackson addicted to pain killers?
A: To stop him from going OW! OW! OW!.
Michael Jackson canceled a world tour on November 12, 1993, citing a dependence on pain killers.
Singer Michael Jackson abandoned his Dangerous world tour in 1994 after he became addicted to prescription painkillers, which he started taking after scalp surgery -- his hair had caught fire while filming a Pepsi commercial. http://www.solpadeinehelp.org.uk/realmag.php
The publishers of "Where's Waldo?" have jumped on the Multi-media bandwagon. This week they will be releasing a CD-ROM called "Where's Michael?" which features elusive pop star Michael Jackson. Users of the CD-ROM search through a virtual world of exclusive resorts and drug-rehab centers for Mr. Jackson, who will be obscured by hordes of bodyguards and lawyers. The only users who will be able to find Michael will be little boys, who will then be encouraged by a 3-D Jackson to find his Waldo.
Michael Jackson was on a ship with 100 boy scouts when it hit an iceberg and started to sink.
The captain announced "We're sinking! Everyone abandon ship!"
Michael asked, "What about the children?"
The captain replied, "F*ck the children!"
Michael looked around eagerly and asked "Do we have time?"
Cliff Richard, Sid Vicious, and Michael Jackson were in a plane when it suddenly crashed on a cliff.
Richard shouted out "Save the children!"
Sid Vicious said "Screw them!"
Michael Jackson asked have "We got that long?"
A little eight year old boy is distraught because his parents have just been killed in a horrible car accident. He had no other family, so he is now an orphan, doomed to a life on the streets. He's sitting in the gutter in the pouring rain, sobbing his little heart out, with no money and no hope, cold and freezing and soaking wet.
Suddenly, a stretch limousine pulls up and out steps Michael Jackson.
"Hey, what's up little fella?" says a kindly Jackson. The little orphan boy tells Jackson his tragic story.
A look of pity on Jackson's face, he pats the little boy on the head and then drops his trousers and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
Q: How does Michael Jackson keep his youth?
A: Pizza and Nintendo.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.
Q: Where does Michael Jackson go to find a date?
A: Boys 'R Us.
The date for Michael Jackson's trial has been set.
His name is Aaron and he's 8 years old.
Q: What does Michael call an orgy?
A: A fruit salad.
Q: What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
A: It's the little boy inside him.
Q: Did you know that Michael Jackson just turned 35?
A: Yeah, but he still feels like a 13 year old.
Q: What do Michael and Gaylord Perry have in common?
A: Both have held lots of wet balls in their hands.
Allstate Agent to me: "Are you in good hands?"
My reply: "Yes I am, as long as they are not Michael Jackson's." (Thanks to RangerJim93)
Q: Who was the unmanned recon airplane the Predator named for?
A: Michael Jackson. (Thanks to RangerJim93)
Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: A Michael Jackson slumber party.
Q: What's "black-white" and purple?
A: Michael Jackson's dick after a slumber party with a bunch of 6 year olds.
Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the Jackson residence?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand...
Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite game to play at night?
A: Hide the pickle in the pajamas.
Q: What child's game does Michael NOT allow to be played at his Neverland ranch?
A: Got your nose! Put it back!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?
A: They both come on crackers.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston have in common?
A: They both like a little crack now and then.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson Check into the Betty Ford clinic?
A: To get over his 11 year crack habit.
Q: Why does Michael really need to go to rehab?
A: He's a crack addict.
Q: What did Michael Jackson say when he got back to Neverland Ranch from drug rehab?
A: You know, I feel like a new boy!
Q: What did Michael Jackson exclaim when he say he returned from the health spa?
A: I feel like a new boy.
Q: Why doesn't Michael sleep with boys anymore?
A: He's tired of all the cracks.
MICHAEL JACKSON'S BABY
I heard that shortly before having Michael Jackson's baby, the woman who was impregnated by him was asked some questions by some reporters:
Reporter: Have you been able to determine its sex?
Woman: No. I want to wait until after it's born. As long as it's healthy.
Reporter: Ma'am, I was referring to Michael.
Did you hear that Michael Jackson had a baby boy last week?
Yup, it's true ... and the week before that he had a 12 year old boy.
Michael Jackson had a boy. He also became a father!
He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex.
The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.
Rumor has it that Michael Jackson's baby was conceived through artificial insemination. Pee Wee Herman was best man at the wedding. Coincidence? I think not.
Q: What's the first problem the Michael's child will have in life?
A: Figuring out which parent is his mother.
Q: What happens when Michael talks about sex?
A: It's all very tongue in cheek.
Q: What's sex like for Michael?
A: Child's Play.
Q: What's the difference between a plastic grocery bag and Michael Jackson?
A: Well, one's an artificial piece of trash that can harm little children,
and the other is used to hold groceries.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a refrigerator?
A: A fridge doesn't toot after you take your meat out of it!
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a microwave?
A: A microwave won't brown your meat!
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a ghost?
A: One is completely white and has a scary face. The other is a supernatural being.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a chicken?
A: One says "cock'll-doodl-do" and the other says "Any-little-boy's-cock'll-do".
Q: What's the difference between Michael and Connie Chung?
A: Michael's been able to have kids.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Nixon?
A: One was a consummate asshole, the other a consummated asshole.
Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping?
A: So his guests won't be accompanied by guardians!
Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book?
A: It's called "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing".
Q: What is the title of Michael Jackson's next book?
A: It's called "Penetrating the Secrets of Children".
Q: What's Michael's favorite Canadian TV show?
A: The Kids in the Hall.
Q: What will they call Michael's new TV series?
A: Anus and Andy.
Q: Why has Michael been appearing on children's shows lately?
A: He has a lot to plug.
Q: Why was Michael Jackson late for the circus?
A: He couldn't get the stains out of his clown suit.
Recently Michael opened an amusement park...
You have to be at least 4 feet tall to ride Michael!
Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together?
A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the three-year-olds!
Q: What do second place race horses and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They both come in a little behind.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Willie Shoemaker have in common?
A: Both ride 4 year olds.
Q: What's the difference btw Michael Jackson and Mick Dittman?
A: Mick Dittman DOES have a license to ride 4 year olds.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a racing jockey?
A: A jockey can mount three year olds legally.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and the PLO?
A: The PLO pulled out of Jordan.
Q: What do Micheal Jackson and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both pulled out of Jordan.
Q: What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson?
A: Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt on Pepsi!
Q: Have you heard about the foundation that Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor have started?
A: It's called the Ignited Negro College Fund.
It's been reported that Michael Jackson will appear at a fund raiser to help raise money for Democrats.
In a related story Tito Jackson is going to appear at a fund raiser to help raise money for Tito Jackson.
Q: What do you call Michael Jackson, with no money?
Q: What do you call Michael Jackson with a suntan?
In an effort to dissuade all this bad publicity, Michael Jackson has pledged a significant amount of his fortune to found a new university. It's going to be called, "Bring 'em Young."
Q: Why's Michael cutting down on public appearances?
A: He wants to spend more time with the kids.
Q: Who's happy when Michael Jackson gets a boy to stay over?
Q: Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
A: He saw someone blowing bubbles and thought he'd join in.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
A: He was stuck to the little boy carrying the chicken.
Q: Heard about Michael Jackson's new songs?
A: I'm forever blowing bubbles!
Q: Why is Michael Jackson's album new entitled "Bad"?
A: Because he couldn't spell "Pathetic".
Q: Why was Michael Jackson grounded?
A: He was "Bad".
The lyrics to "Bad" say it all:
Your Butt Is Mine
Gonna Take You Right
Q: What did Michael Jackson do when his hair caught on fire?
A: He "Beat-it!"
Q: How do we know Michael Jackson is ready to release another album?
A: He has a lot of stuff in the can.
Q: Who will Michael record his next album with?
A: Les Brown.
Q: Have you heard Michael Jackson is coming out with a new album?
A: It's called "Sick".
He told you he was "Off the Wall", that he was a "Thriller", that he was "Bad" and that he was "Dangerous". Next album will be called "Don't say I didn't warn you".
MICHAEL JACKSON'S GREATEST HITS (Thanks to RangerJim93)
1. Reach out and TOUCH Someone
2. Hey, there, Predator
3. Touch Me Once, Touch Me Twice, Touch Me Once Again
4. The Best Toys are Little Boys
5. The WACKO Touch
1. Theme from Peter Pervert
2. He TOUCHED Me
3. He Let His Fingers Do the Walking (In Private Places)
4. Come Open My FLY With Me
5. Theme from Woody The Pecker
2. Put Your Hand in The Pants of Michael Jackson
3. Peter Pervert
4. The Boy Who Made Me Throw Up
5. Beat it and Eat It
1. Full Moon at High Noon
2. I'm Dropping My Drawers Over You
3. I'm A Pervert
4. I'm Queer, I'm Not All Here
5. Groping the World
THE BEAST (BEST) OF MICHAEL JACKSON
1. It Was Masturbation
3. Dance of the Pedophiles
4. Molesters' March
5. That Queer Old Feeling
1. Meat Beater's Lament
2. Jack Off Jive
3. Those Roving Fingers
4. NUTcracker Suite
5. Peter Pervert's Theme
Michael Jackson and Pee Wee Herman are have come out with a new video called... "I'll beat it for you."
Q: Which chips does Michael Jackson like to munch on?
Q: Where does Michael Jackson write his songs for the kids?
A: In his tanning salon.
Q: What did the mother at the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: "Excuse me, but you're in my son."
Q: How do you neuter Michael Jackson?
A: Give him spiked gloves and tell him to sing a song.
Yup! When he had his tonsils removed, they accidentally put him on the table the wrong way round...
Q: What do any of the Mets have in common with Michael Jackson?
A: They all wear one glove for no apparent reason.
Q: Where is Michael Jackson's other glove?
A: In Brooke Shields' pants.
Michael Jackson went to church and confessed "Forgive me father, for I have sinned with young boys". The priest replied "It's OK, I have done it also."
The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.
Q: What would you call Michael Jackson if he slept with another 20 or 30 young boys?
Q: How will they ensure that Michael gets a thorough body search?
A: Hire a Catholic priest to do it.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a Catholic priest?
Q: What do Michael and Catholic school nuns have in common?
A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a proctologist?
A: A proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in.
CULINARY EMPLOYMENT NEWS
Jeff Smith, public television's "Frugal Gourmet", in the face of numerous accusations of trying to seduce teenage boys, has announced his departure from the long running series.
In related news, Michael Jackson has announced the arrival of a new executive chef at his secluded Neverland Ranch...
Neverland: the only place that Jackson rides the animals and the animals ride him!!!!!!
Q: Why did Pepsi sign up Michael Jackson for their ads?
A: Because he likes the taste of a new generation.
Did you hear that Pepsi signed Michael Jackson to another contract?
They felt that he was the only one who could suck that little boy out of the bottle.
Q: Why did Pepsi fire Michael Jackson?
A: Because he was caught sucking on a Squirt!!
Q: Why did Michael Jackson fail to renew his contract with Pepsi?
A: Because he found out that the main ingredient was Bubbles!
Q: Why did Michael Jackson put cheese on his willy?
A: Because kids will do anything for the taste of Dairy Lea!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and broccoli have in common?
A: Both are force fed to little boys.
I want to see some jokes about Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie!!!!!!!! They *are* the joke!
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson marrying Lisa-Marie Presley?
A: If Elvis were dead, he'd turn over in his grave.
This is the worst news for the King since the invention of the child-proof cap.
If Elvis were alive, would he be driving a white Ford Bronco with blood stains on the driver door?
Q: What did Elvis say after seeing Michael and Lisa Marie on television?
A: "Boy, that's a relief. I thought she married a black guy!"
Q: What did Lisa Marie Presley say to Micheal Jackson when he popped her
A: "Yes, I'll marry you. But promise me one thing... NO KIDS!"
Q: What was Michael Jackson thinking about on his wedding night?
A: Hmmm, now Lisa-Marie can give me a little boy of my own.
Comments overheard at the Michael Jackson/Lisa-Marie Presley wedding:
"Well, I'm pretty sure one of them is a virgin."
"I don't think that's the real groom; it's just a decoy."
"First couple that I've ever known that was registered at FAO Schwarz."
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Presley Wedding from David Letterman, July 19, 1994:
10. Family to the left, plastic surgeons to the right.
9. She could've used a little more of his eye-liner.
8. I bet they didn't have to get married.
7. I'll have to ask you to check your snake at the door, La Toya.
6. I'm sorry, I can't find a Brooke Shields on the guest list, ma'am.
5. There's that strange whirring sound again -- as if some deceased rock star were spinning in his grave.
4. I got you some his and hers towels. Split 'em up however you like.
3. I'm Mr. Tito Jackson. You mean Dr. Tito Jackson? Yes I am.
2. Ahhh! The ghost of Elvis is eating all the cake -- oh, it's just Liz Taylor.
1. I just heard on the weather channel -- hell froze over.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley?
A: About two dress sizes!!!
Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
A: Got two fives for a ten?
Apparently we're going to be hearing the pitter-patter of little feet in the Jackson household . . . yep, Lisa Marie's going to be leaving town for a while.
If Lisa Marie Presley-Jackson really is expecting, do you suppose that she and Michael will ask Woody Allen to be the godfather?
Did you hear that Lisa Marie Presley-Jackson is pregnant?
Whether it is a boy or a girl, you know it will have one of Michael's noses.
Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Is Preparing for Fatherhood from David Letterman, November 14, 1996
10. Taking Lamaze classes with Bubbles the chimp
9. Deciding whether or not its okay to name a girl "Tito".
8. Reading Dr. Spock's "How to Raise a Weird-Ass Child".
7. Asking LaToya to help him find a good psychic babysitter.
6. Memorizing the mother's name in case they actually meet.
5. Buying hundreds of toys and stuffed animals, and also a few things for the baby.
4. Installing nursery monitor that will sound alarm if baby starts to act normal.
3. Having mother take sonogram test to determine the baby's sex.
2. Having the same test done on himself.
1. Child-proofing each and every llama in the house.
Michael Jackson and Woody Allen on "Child Psychology":
"Spare the rod, and spoil the child."
If Michael and Lisa-Marie's marriage was a TV show, what would it be called?
* Home Unimprovement
* The (G)love Connection
* Beauty and the Beast
* Gimme A Break
* Joker's Wild
* Maniac Mansion (from the Family Channel)
* That's Incredible
* Really Big, Gigantic, Humungous House on the Prairie
Top 10 Good Things About Being Married to Michael Jackson from David Letterman, August 02, 1994
10. When you get a few years older, good advice on plastic surgeons.
9. White sequined glove prevents greasy finger prints on fridge.
8. Fun to say, "Honey, could you moonwalk down to the shop n' save for a quart of milk?"
7. After a day with the Jacksons, suddenly your Presley relatives seem normal.
6. None of those annoying demands for sex.
5. His squeeky ultrasonic voice keeps away mice.
4. As the King of Pop, he gets the 10% dinner discount at participating Red Lobster restaurants.
3. If he comes home with lipstick on his collar, you can be pretty sure it's his own.
2. Never have to throw out leftovers with Liz dropping by.
1. Three words: CHRISTMAS WITH TITO.
Q: What did Michael Jackson suffer from as a kid?
A: Clitoris envy.
Q: Why did Michael go to college?
A: To get his Bachelor of Arse degree.
Q: What is Michael Jackson's Alma Matter?
A: Bring-em Young.
It's not who you know -- it's who you know had a nose job.
Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.
Q: What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
A: Michael Jackson has had more noses.
Q: What does Michael Jackson reminisce about when he gets nostalgic?
A: Blowing his first nose.
We all have heard the tale about how Pinnochio's nose kept getting longer with each fib he told.
When Michael Jackson tells fibs, his nose gets shorter but his pecker gets longer. (Thanks to RangerJim93)
Q: What is Michael Jackson's downfall when it comes to making friends?
A: He is two faced.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson get so many face changes?
A: He's trying to reach his inner child.
Quote by Loretta Lynn in Esquire, January 2002:
"I liked Michael Jackson better dark. And I liked his nose a lot better too. If he has any more taken off, I don't know how he's gonna breathe."
Heard on Jay Leno, October 2002:
Michael Jackson just had his sixth nose job.
Shouldn't it be his sixth used-to-be-a-nose job?
Quote from Joan Rivers, early December, 2002:
I love Michael. He's my best friend. I buy him a handkerchief for Christmas each year. I don't know what to buy him this year. He has no nose. No nose. What do you buy a man with no nose?
Heard on Jay Leno, December 11, 2002:
At the breach of contract trial, Michael Jackson showed up on crutches with only one shoe on. He is recovering from plastic surgery. He's had his toe transplanted to his nose.
Michael should be more careful with his foot -- it's his only original part.
Michael Jackson's Nose "Falls Off" In-Flight (joke), December 11, 2002:
A small piece of Michael Jackson has fallen off during a routine flight on Concorde this evening. Nobody else is reported to have been hurt or injured.
This is the latest in a series of similar incidents involving the megastar although a spokesperson denied there was any cause for concern. "Michael has an excellent safety record, but nevertheless we are currently getting him checked out by our metallurgical expert, Uri Geller. As a precaution, Janet and La Toya Jackson will be kept in a hangar until we've figured out what went wrong. I must stress that the public was never in any danger and we hope to return to a normal service as soon as possible."
Mr Jackson was designed and built over forty years ago as part of a joint venture between Motown Records and Boeing. Originally conceived as a black programme, he was developed at the top-secret Neverland test facility in California. The Soviet Union, worried that it might lose the all-important "Moon Walk Race", quickly embarked on a rival project code-named Mikhail Jacksovski. However, Jackson's performance was superior in every aspect and Jacksovski was eventually decommissioned after dislocating both legs during a particularly energetic Cossack line-dance.
SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, December 12, 2002:
"Achilles' Heel" is to "only vulnerable part of a Greek" as
"Michael Jackson's Ear" is to "only original part of a freak".
SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, December 30, 2002:
"Boston Archdiocese" is to "$10 million sex abuse settlement" as
"Michael Jackson" is to "didn't realize that Boston had quantity discounts".
SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, February 4, 2003:
"Michael Jackson in 1983" is to "spent hours recording Billie Jean" as
"Michael Jackson in 2003" is to "spent hours in Billy's jeans".
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 5, 2003:
Michael Jackson (in a 90-minute interview with British journalist Martin Bashir that was first screened Monday, February 3, 2003, on British TV and then repeated Thursday, February 6, 2003, in the US on ABC's 20/20) denied having any alterations to his face other than two operations on his nose, and they were only to help him "hit higher notes".
In other news, he said that he has had his testicles removed for fun.
From Entertainment Tonight http://www.etonline.com/celebrity/a14336.htm, February 5, 2003:
Multiple nose jobs, skin grafts and facial liposuction are some of the surgeries that some respected plastic surgeons speculate Michael may have undergone over the past 20 years. And the King of Pop's nose is one issue the doctors are all concerned about. Dr. Thomas Loeb theorizes, "He lost the skin on top of the nose and he's ulcerated through. They had to do some kind of reconstructive procedure to just cover the cartilage underneath. So this is really a plastic surgery disaster." Dr. Robert Kotler points out, "There's a limit to how much surgery you can perform and he may have passed that limit."
More from Dr. Robert Kotler http://www.robertkotlermd.com/ author of Secrets of a Beverly Hills Cosmetic Surgeon http://www.surgerysecrets.com
After so many procedures, each surgery becomes more difficult because of scar tissue. Jackson's nose appears to have rejected a plastic implant. More surgery is unwise. A better solution now is a lifelike artificial nose.
Heard on David Letterman, February 6, 2003:
In a recent interview, Michael Jackson said that his nickname for his baby is "Blanket".
In a later interview, the baby said that its nickname for Michael is "Nutjob".
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 5, 2003:
Michael Jackson was so distraught after seeing his recent interview on TV that he dangled himself from a balcony.
Heard on David Letterman, February 7, 2003:
In the interview, Michael Jackson claimed that he had only two nose jobs. Come on! That's like Bill Clinton saying that he had only two ...
Top Ten Surprises In The Michael Jackson Documentary from David Letterman, February 7, 2003:
10. Due to disappointing CD sales, most of his income is now from Amway.
9. "Neverland Ranch" is just a one-bedroom condo in Queens.
8. "Gong Show" fans may remember him as "Gene Gene The Dancing Machine".
7. The Elephant Man recently bought some of Michael's bones.
6. Upon seeing old "Beat It" video, asked, "Wow, who's that?"
5. Touching moment when he was reunited with his four brothers.
4. Touching moment when he was reunited with his four noses.
3. Put his fist through a wall when the Raiders lost.
2. He had Bubbles stuffed and uses him as an ottoman.
1. Turns out he's a loon.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 11, 2003:
Michael Jackson was upset when he heard that VH1 would replay his recent interview. He wanted it to play on Nickelodeon.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 12, 2003:
On hearing that Roman Polanski would be banned from coming into the country for an Oscar presentation (he received an Academy Award nomination for directing "The Pianist") because he had relations with a 13 year-old girl, Michael Jackson replied "with a girl -- that is so disgusting!"
Names in the News from Knight Ridder Newspapers, February 13, 2003:
Among the many revelations in the documentary "Living With Michael Jackson," which aired February 6 on ABC, was Jackson's claim that the only plastic surgery he's had is two nose jobs - to help improve his singing voice.
But Los Angeles plastic surgeon Wallace Goodstein maintains the musician, 44, has undergone "well over" 50 operations on his face. http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Jackson.html
Goodstein's claims come in a profile of the embattled King of Pop to be broadcast Monday on NBC's "Dateline." According to the New York Post, Goodstein shared a practice with Jackson's primary plastic surgeon.
"Dateline's" one-hour show, called "Michael Jackson Unmasked," also features an interview with now-retired Los Angeles Police Detective Bill Dworin, who investigated the singer in 1993 when the parents of a 13-year-old boy alleged he molested their son. Jackson was never charged in the case, but paid a multimillion-dollar out-of-court settlement.
The Post reports that Dworin is going to spill the beans on what police found during their investigation and that he believes Jackson may still pose a threat to children. On the show that aired on ABC, the One-Gloved One acknowledged that he still shares his bed with children, albeit in a nonsexual way.
The New York Post also reports that celeb manager Jack Gordon is going to pen a tell-all book about Jackson. Gordon, who is LaToya Jackson's ex-husband, has snagged literary agent Jim Fitzgerald of the Carol Mann agency to peddle "Never Neverland: My Years Inside the Jackson Family."
Here's a book that's not likely to hit the best-seller list: Michael Jackson is working on a guide for adults who want to retain their childlike qualities, reports Jeannette Walls, who writes "The Scoop" column for MSNBC.com http://MSNBC.com.
The singer, who has said he identifies with Peter Pan, was working on the how-to-stay-in-touch-with-your-inner-child tome with his spiritual guru, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach http://www.beliefnet.com/author/author_102.html, who has written several books, including "Kosher Sex."
The book's future seems to be in question, given recent developments.
Quote by Jeff Zucker, NBC's President of Entertainment, February 14, 2003:
Michael Jackson is the ultimate traffic accident. People can't take their eyes off him.
Jacko takes another beating from media, March 5, 2003 http://www.etonline.com/celebrity/a14819.htm and http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,80136,00.html and http://www.drudgereport.com/mjv.htm
Had enough of Michael Jackson? Of course you haven't. So here's what Vanity Fair has to say in its March issue about the ever-stranger King of Pop.
He has a fake nose, covering two mummylike holes in his face. Ewww!
He paid an African voodoo chief $150,000 to make sure Hollywood moguls Steven Spielberg and David Geffen, plus 23 other EOMs (Enemies of Michael) would die. Although 42 cows were sacrificed by the voodoo chief so these things would come to pass, they didn't.
Oh, the article by Maureen Orth also says that Jackson is broke.
Taylor has bone to pick with Jacko; Jacko snubs Taylor's 71st birthday bash, March 20, 2003 http://www.indystar.com/print/articl...-8979-062.html
Uh-oh, more trouble in Neverland.
Michael Jackson may have lost his most staunch defender -- violet-eyed virago Liz Taylor.
The curious couple are reportedly at odds, a rift that became more public after the self-proclaimed King of Pop was a no-show at La Liz's 71st birthday soiree.
"The talk all night was that they've had a terrible falling-out," said a partygoer. "It seems that Michael had summoned Liz to Neverland, but when she arrived he wasn't there. She was furious."
April Fool's Day Poll, April 1, 2003:
Who's the "most foolish American"? Pop singer Michael Jackson, according to an annual poll taken by public-relations consultant Jeff Barge in anticipation of April Fool's Day. Eighty percent of those polled said the 44-year-old singer and one-time baby dangler was the biggest fool in the country. Boxer Mike Tyson, 36, came in second.
Quote by Cher, April 2, 2003:
"I don't really care what he does to his face. He could just erase it as far as I'm concerned. I don't like him anymore." -- Singer-actress Cher, 56, on Michael Jackson in TV Guide. She doesn't like the way he treats his kids.
Jokes by Jimmie Walker on David Letterman, April 4, 2003:
Did you hear that the University of Michigan is giving people 20 points for being black? They gave Michael Jackson -40.
Michael Jackson wants to play Peter Pan. He should be Tinkerbell. Know what I mean???
Heard on Conan O'Brien, April 9, 2003:
Michael Jackson is offering to sell his Neverland ranch for $8 million more than what it is worth.
The extra $8 million is to cover the steam cleaning.
SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, April 11, 2003:
"Journalist in Iraq" is to "embedded in US troops" as
"Michael Jackson" is to "embedded in Boy Scout troops".
Heard on David Letterman, May 22, 2003:
Michael Jackson wants a Taco Bell built near his Neverland Ranch, but it was turned down by the zoning commission.
I don't understand -- they zoned Michael...
Heard on Conan O'Brien, July 25, 2003:
Michael Jackson is throwing himself a birthday party.
Fans pay $100 to attend. Actually, getting in is free. It costs $100 to get out.
View an invitation from the Michael Jackson Fan Club http://www.mjfanclub.net/la_party_20...nvitation.html
Plan ahead for Michael's 50th birthday http://www.angelfire.com/id/croon/oldnewjackson.html
Heard on David Letterman, July 28, 2003:
Have you seen the pictures of Odai and Qusai?
I haven't seen a face so horribly disfigured since ... Michael Jackson.
Heard on David Letterman, August 27, 2003:
Michael Jackson came off a plane. He was wearing pajamas, carrying an umbrella and holding a battery-operated fan.
If he keeps this up, he could get a reputation for being weird.
SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, September 25, 2003:
"Marsupials" is to "youngsters squirming in pouch" as
"Michael Jackson" is to "youngsters squirming on couch".
Heard on Jay Leno, October 31, 2003:
You know why Michael Jackson loves Halloween? Free delivery right to his door.
Heard on David Letterman, November 5, 2003:
CBS has announced that Michael Jackson will soon have his own special. This means for one night I won't be the strangest guy on CBS.
Heard on David Letterman, November 6, 2003:
CBS is showing a Michael Jackson special. In a touching moment, Michael Jackson is reunited with his noses.
CBS thought that a surgically altered freak was less scary than the Reagans.
CBS was going to air a Reagan special, but was pressured to cancel it. They showed a Michael Jackson special instead. http://edition.cnn.com/2003/SHOWBIZ/...s.series.reut/ and http://www.drudgereportarchives.com/...134805_rr4.htm
Heard on Conan O'Brien, November 10, 2003:
Michael Jackson was in Japan to open a line of men's clothing.
If the men's line is successful, he'll go into boy's pants.
See http://www.fibre2fashion.com/news/Ne...p?News_id=3905 and http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,12250,00.html and http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald...nt/6437646.htm
Arrest warrant issued for Michael Jackson, November 19, 2003:
A warrant was issued for Michael Jackson's arrest following a search of his Neverland Ranch after allegations of sexual molestation by as 12 year old boy. Bail is set at $3 million.
Play Hollywood Clue
Was it Robert Blake in the car with the pistol?
OJ Simpson in the entryway with the knife?
Michael Jackson in the hot tub with the Jesus juice?
Robert Downey, Jr. in the alley with the crack pipe?
Paris Hilton in the boudoir with the video camera?
Photoshop visualization of Michael Jackson doing an O. J. Simpson imitation after the arrest warrant was issued. (O. J. jokes at oj.html.)
If the American people ever allow a central bank to control of the issuance of their currency, the banks and the corporations that will grow up around them will, first by inflation and then by deflation, deprive the people of their property until their children wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered. –Thomas Jefferson
|June 27th, 2009||#8|
Join Date: Apr 2006
Continuing with Michael Jackson jokes (100,000 character minimum)
Michael Jackson Mug Shot
SANTA BARBARA COUNTY SHERIFF
Photo Image of:
NAME: JACKSON, MICHAEL
RAC: B SEX: M
DOB: 8/29/1958 AGE: 45
HGT: 511 WGT: 120
HAI: BLK EYE: BRO
BOOKING #: 621785
Heard on Conan O'Brien, November 20, 2003:
Today Michael Jackson's house was surrounded by police, and he was arrested. He was taken to jail and gave his fingerprints. His fingers were black for the first time in 15 years.
Heard on Craig Kilborn, November 2003:
Michael Jackson turned himself into authorities today and now the court may take away his kids. Don't worry, Michael's working on a deal where he can dangle them on the weekends.
The saddest part of this Michael Jackson scandal is that all of this could have been avoided if he just stuck to grabbing his own crotch.
Earlier today, police raided the Neverland ranch. Michael Jackson was so upset he dangled himself over a balcony.
Several celebrities have stepped forward to defend Michael Jackson... Woody Harrelson, Roman Polanski, Pete Townsend.
I can sum up Michael Jackson's legal defense in three words: dead man moonwalking.
Heard on Jay Leno, November 2003:
Yesterday an arrest warrant was issued for Michael Jackson and today by mistake cops picked up Diana Ross.
I guess they got Michael on that new law -- 3 tykes and you're out.
Did you hear who Michael Jackson's lawyer is? He hired Scott Peterson's attorney Mark Geragos. Geragos' slogan is 'no client too sleazy.' See Michael's smart cause he knows that next to Scott Peterson he looks innocent.
According to a Gallup poll, 17% of those asked still have a favorable opinion of Michael Jackson. That may not sound like much, but it's still more than any of the Democratic candidates running for president.
Michael Jackson now using the internet to communicate with his fans. Which makes sense, that's how he met most of 'em.
After turning himself in yesterday, Michael Jackson was placed in handcuffs. I don't think he helped his case when he asked "These are neat, do they come in smaller sizes?"
Now he is out on bail -- again he still doesn't get it. When a reporter asked him what he is going to do now, he said, "I'm going to Disneyland!"
Early today Michael met with his priest -- not for spiritual advice, they went on a double date.
Michael says he is going to fight these charges tooth and nail -- because those are the only real body parts he has left.
Heard on Jon Stewart, November 2003:
If you've been watching television today, so it begins, the Michael Jackson mini-series kicked off. The glee, the salivation in the news people. The CNN logo had an erection. If you looked closely, the 'N' was standing tall. By God people, there is a Medicare bill to debate! If only the Senate molested the Medicare bill.
Heard on David Letterman, November 2003:
Police swarmed all over the Neverland Ranch for 12 hours, about 60 investigators, and found a lot of items that needed explaining. Like the wedding photo with Lisa Marie Presley.
His bail was set at $3 million dollars because he is considered a flight risk. Cause, you know, he could run off anywhere and blend right in.
Yesterday federal agents raided Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara. This isn't good. People are gonna start saying this guy is peculiar. Apparently Michael Jackson was so upset he contacted Rush Limbaugh's housekeeper to get some sedatives.
I guess they had 60 federal investigators going over the Neverland Ranch property for 12 hours and didn't find anything. But they did turn up OJ's knife.
Quote by Mike Dreese, owner of the 24-store Newbury Comics chain http://shop.store.yahoo.com/newburycomics/ http://www.newbury.com/, November 20, 2003:
It's shocking how poorly Jackson's new album has sold. As of midday [Wednesday], it has sold only 90 copies in the whole chain. And we've sold 150 copies of Cyndi Lauper's new album. Both of them hit the streets on Tuesday [November 18]. So a Cyndi Lauper record of show tunes is doing more than 50 percent better than a Michael Jackson album of his number one hits. That just shows how much his career has dive-bombed.
Britney Spears Tops the Charts, Korn and Michael Jackson Falter, November 28, 2003:
Pop princess Britney Spears' new album "In The Zone" has landed in the top spot on the Billboard albums chart. The disc sold more than 609,000 copies in its first week in stores.
Michael Jackson's greatest hits package, "Number Ones" landed at No. 13 with sales of 120,000 copies. It dropped to No. 29 its second week with 79,000 copies.
How about a sleep-over?
Heard on Conan O'Brien, November 21, 2003:
Michael Jackson was arrested yesterday. According to the Santa Barbara Police, Michael Jackson is 5'11" and weighs only 120 pounds... very skinny... Michael is able to keep his weight down because he only orders off the children's menu.
12 Year Old Boy Sues Michael Jackson For Not Molesting Him (joke), November 24, 2003:
The family of a 12 year old Southern California boy have launched a $28 million law suit against the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Parents for the child in question contend there was a real and presumed threat that when they allowed their child to sleep in Michael Jackson's bed, he would be molested.
Martin Goldenstein, the lawyer representing the family claims Jackson's lack of sexual interest in the boy has caused them undue financial hardship.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson like gingerbread men?
A: Because he can eat them up without a law suit.
Heard on David Letterman, November 24, 2003:
How about that Michael Jackson?
The cops finally made a mug shot worse than Nick Nolte's.
Jackson's lawyer is looking for a fair jury... He wants Jackson tried by a Catholic Archdiocese.
Michael Jacksons' Neverland Ranch has been raided by police today.
Police found Class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his living room and Class 5c in his bedroom!
Michael Jackson is being investigated for drugs. During the Neverland raid, police found class As, class Bs, and all the male members of class 5C.
Michael Jackson sat down with his lawyer.
The lawyer says, "I have good news and bad news."
Michael asks for the bad news.
The lawyer says "they have a real strong case for molestation and you are going to do serious time."
Michael asks for the good news.
The lawyer says "I think you can serve it in a juvenile detention facility."
Heard on Conan O'Brien, November 25, 2003:
President Bush pardoned the Thanksgiving turkey. Michael Jackson immediately asked to hire the turkey's lawyer.
Some people close to Michael Jackson are asking him to take an insanity defense.
Michael Jackson says that he is refusing the insanity defense on the advice of his band of llamas.
To many, the King of Pop is the King of Weird, November 25, 2003:
Howard Hughes had his long fingernails, Shirley MacLaine has her past lives, Roseanne Barr her 16 personalities. But when it comes to celebrity weirdness, Michael Jackson may be the king.
"Oh yeah, he wins that contest," said Tom O'Neil, senior editor of the celebrity magazine In Touch Weekly.
Santa Barbara News-Press story The Michael Jackson Case, November 25, 2003: http://www.newspress.com/mjacksonupd...acksontips.htm
SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, December 10, 2003:
"Popular toy" is to "Tickle-me Elmo" as
"Unpopular toy" is to "Fondle-me Jacko"
"Memo: Michael Jackson was cleared earlier", December 10, 2003:
Child-welfare investigators earlier this year found there was no basis for allegations that Michael Jackson had abused the boy now accusing him of molestation, according to a confidential memo.
The memo from an administrator with the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) was based on an investigation in February and was leaked to the Web site thesmokinggun.com, which posted it yesterday. A source familiar with the document confirmed its authenticity.
The memo was dated Nov. 26, 2003, a week after the Santa Barbara County district attorney announced child-molestation allegations against Jackson.
The boy and his brother told investigators Jackson had not sexually abused them, according to the memo. Their older sister said she had never witnessed anything sexually inappropriate between her brothers and the entertainer.
The memo was sent from a regional DCFS administrator to medical director Charles Sophy and detailed an investigation completed before Sophy joined the agency.
Heard on David Letterman, December 15, 2003:
Saddam Hussein didn't put up a fight when he was arrested.
Even Michael Jackson put up a fight.
Maimonides, Laws of Forbidden Relationships 22:18, 20
There is nothing in the entire Torah which is more difficult for a community to avoid than sexual immorality... Therefore one should take charge of his natural instincts and accustom himself to extra holiness and pure thought and proper character in order to be saved from this.
Heard on David Letterman, December 16, 2003:
They says that charges against Michael Jackson will be filed by Friday.
Michael is already picking out a spider hole in Tikrit.
Heard on David Letterman, December 18, 2003:
Dave: Michael Jackson, I call him "Putty Face".
Paul: I call him "The King of Pop".
Dave: You would be wrong.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, December 19, 2003:
Michael Jackson said that contrary to reports, he has not converted to Islam.
Michael commented, "I thought that Islam had something to do with llamas..."
Heard on Conan O'Brien, December 19, 2003:
After prosecutors accused Michael Jackson of giving a boy wine and showing him pictures of naked men, Demi Moore called to say that she was insulted.
"What do you want for Christmas" on Carson Daly, December 19, 2003:
boy (holding a picture of Michael Jackson): A bat to defend myself from this man.
Get a free T-shirt with every visit... "I SLEPT WITH MICHAEL JACKSON AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT" http://www.boners.com/grub/791742.html
Michael Jackson Admits Plastic Surgery; France Unconvinced (joke), December 23, 2003:
Chirac Demands More Time for U.N. Face Inspectors
At the United Nations today, U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell offered what he called "conclusive proof" that the singer Michael Jackson has had plastic surgery, but failed to convince France.
In related news, President Chirac said the U.S. had failed to show convincing proof that Jennifer Lopez has a big ass.
Cheney Named Interim King Of Pop (joke), December 23, 2003:
Sports Sequined Glove on 'Meet the Press'
Moving quickly to fill what it termed a "dangerous power vacuum," the White House this weekend appointed Vice President Dick Cheney to the position of Interim King of Pop.
White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters that the absence of a King of Pop "posed an imminent threat to civilized people everywhere."
Hey, Jacko, The Party's Over! http://www.mrjoel.com/ December 23, 2003:
Okay, so maybe I wasn't invited to Michael Jackson's U R Not Alone party. According to what I'm hearing, I didn't miss very much!
The rumor is that M.C. Hammer was there, and speaking of show biz has-beens, so was Michael's sister LaToya.
Hey, maybe "Wacko Jacko" really is on a first name basis with well-known sport celebrities like black tennis player Serena Williams, but when you find sexual thugs like ex heavyweight champ, Mike Tyson, on the guest list - that's where you draw the line!
Mike Tyson is a convicted rapist. And wasn't he the guy who once bit off his opponent's ear in the ring?
Yikes, I'm afraid Mike Tyson's ex-wife Robin Givens can tell you all about Mike Tyson and how many black and blue marks a bad "macho man" like him can give you in bed!
Speaking of black and blue marks, I sincerely hope that Michael didn't invite Mike Tyson to spend the night with him at his Never Land ranch.
Hey, it's one thing to share your bed with a 12 year old boy, but when you invite a big tough bully like Mike Tyson in to your bedroom, you're asking for nothing but trouble!
Heard on Conan O'Brien, December 23, 2003:
Michael Jackson had a party last weekend. M.C. Hammer was one of the guests. He came as the Michael Jackson of the future.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/3337957.stm and http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2003/...941612344.html
2004 meets Michael Jackson, editorial cartoon by Steve Breen, December 23, 2003:
Jackson "Upset" at Taylor's Absence From Party, December 24, 2003:
Troubled pop superstar Michael Jackson is reportedly "deeply upset" that longtime pal Elizabeth Taylor didn't attend his support rally party at Neverland Ranch last weekend. According to The Scoop, giant star Taylor, 71, didn't show up for the party because she "wasn't up" for the event. A source said, "He had hoped that a bunch of big stars would show, but there really weren't any A-list names, and she was the most glaringly absent."
Heard on Conan O'Brien, December 26, 2003:
Kwanza starts today. It celebrates a time when Michael Jackson was still black.
Dave Barry, December 28, 2003:
November... In other news, pop superstar Michael Jackson again finds himself in legal trouble when authorities in Santa Barbara order him fingerprinted and booked on charges of "extreme creepiness, even for California." Jackson's attorney expresses outrage, telling a news conference that his client "doesn't even HAVE fingerprints".
Heard on Conan O'Brien, December 30, 2003:
In his recent interview, Michael Jackson claims that when he was arrested, he was man-handled. He had specifically requested to be boy-handled.
Michael Jackson guest appearance in the "comic armageddon" audience of the December 30, 2003, Non-Sequitur comic strip http://www.ucomics.com/nonsequitur/2003/12/30/
The Three Most Moronic Fathers by David Letterman, January 2, 2004:
3. Steve Irwin
2. Michael Jackson
1. David Letterman
USA Weekend's POP CULTURE The power(less) list, January 4, 2004:
November -- Michael Jackson
Police arrest the King of Pop, accusing him of molesting a 12-year-old boy who visited Jacko's Neverland Ranch. A similar accusation in a 1993 civil suit was settled for a reported $15 million to $20 million. Guess we'll really find out "who's bad."
2004 Predictions by David Letterman, January 8, 2004:
In a fit of rage, Michael Jackson -- there's a fine looking woman -- will dangle his lawyer from a balcony.
Joan Crawford's Long-Lost Daughter!
Heard on Jay Leno, January 12, 2004:
Michael Jackson has moved out of Neverland Ranch and is now leasing a $20 million Beverley Hills mansion.
It's perfect for him - it's right between a plastic surgeon and an elementary school.
Heard on David Letterman, January 13, 2004:
More sad news. You know lots of top stars are going to prison and being arrested? Today Diana Ross made an appearance in court for DUI. She had her makeup all on, she was wearing a mink coat and was followed by an entourage. Outside her friends were yelling, "Michael, Michael, Michael!"
Heard on Jay Leno, January 13, 2004:
Michael Jackson's business advisers met yesterday at the Beverly Hilton Hotel to discuss Michael's financial situation. There's the problem right there - meeting at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. What's an orange juice there, nine dollars? They should be meeting at the Red Roof Inn, maybe Howard Johnson, or someplace where kids stay free.
Sources say Michael is very worried about how he could survive the harsh conditions in a federal prison. In fact, the rumor is he's trying to work out a plea bargain - if they'll send him to juvie hall, he'll be willing to serve 40 years.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, January 13, 2004:
Sources say that Michael Jackson is so deep in debt that he had to borrow $70 million from friends this week. Which is difficult because most of Michael's friends make money selling lemonade.
A Day in the Life of Michael Jackson on David Letterman, January 15, 2004:
9 AM Calls Latoya's psychic hotline -- the prediction is thirty years in maximum security.
10 AM Sends flowers to his plastic surgeon to thank him for making him look so good in his mugshot.
10:30 AM Sells case of camel's medication to Rush Limbaugh.
11 AM Begs his dear friend Liza to help him beat up prosecutors.
11:30 AM Calls Latoya's psychic hotline -- the prediction is still thirty years in maximum security.
1 PM Puts elephant man's skeleton in passenger seat so he can drive in the carpool lane.
2 PM Has a sandwich and goes to bed for the day.
Heard on Jay Leno, January 15, 2004:
First FAO Schwartz filed for bankruptcy, and yesterday KB Toys filed for bankruptcy.
See, I knew this would happen when Michael Jackson stopped dating.
In the Year 2000 on Conan O'Brien, January 15, 2004:
In the year 2000, due to increasing pressure, Michael Jackson will be forced to sell his Neverland Ranch.
The bad news -- he will sell it to the Catholic Church.
Michael Jackson in court on January 16, 2004, explains that he is not evil.
January 16, 2004:
Michael Jackson, the defendant in case number 1133603, came 21 minutes late to court. Michael surrounded himself with an entourage including family members, expensive lawyers, and a goon squad of about twenty Nation of Islam bodyguards.
Judge Rodney Melville scolded "Mr. Jackson, you have started out on the wrong foot with me. I want to advise you that I will not put up with that. It's an insult to the court. You must be on time. Do you understand that?"
Michael's hotshot lawyer, Mark Geragos, was similarly slapped down when he tried to introduce a new colleague to the defense bench without prior warning.
Michael pleaded not guilty to seven counts of molesting a child under 14 and two counts of giving the child an intoxicating agent to facilitate abuse. Each of the nine counts is a felony, and the total could bring 20 years in prison.
Then, Michael interrupted the proceeding so he and his brother Jermaine could take a bathroom break. The judge didn't sound too charmed by that and helpfully suggested that in the future, the Weak-Bladdered One should "regulate his liquid intake."
Michael did not return to court after leaving for the bathroom.
The hearing ended in less than two hours.
Michael bused in fans on a "Caravan of Love" from Los Angeles and Las Vegas. About 1000 fans came to show their support.
After the hearing, Michael, with a black umbrella to shade himself from the sun, hopped up on a black SUV, blew kisses to his frenzied fans, and did a little dance number. Vendors hawked T-shirts, ice cream, burritos and barbecue. Police dogs barked, children wailed, and helicopters hovered noisily above. A handful of Jesus freaks urged the assembled crowd to convert before it was too late. All the while, two Nation of Islam cameramen filmed Michael's every move. In short, the Michael Jackson show had come to town.
The Nation of Islam bodyguards handed out invitations to a party at the Neverland Ranch. The invitation was offered in "the spirit of love and togetherness" and addressed to all of Michael's "fans and supporters."
At the entrance to the sprawling ranch, guests were asked to sign a release agreeing to participate in a television show about Mr. Jackson, while vehicles were subjected to a series of security checks by smartly-dressed Nation of Islam goons, who screened every occupant with hand-held metal detectors and handed out colored, hospital-style wrist bracelets to be worn "at all times."
On the property, dotted with dozens of bronze sculptures of children at play, fans frolicked on swings and rode a small steam-engine train.
Heard on Jay Leno, January 16, 2004:
Happy Michael Jackson Day everybody!
Today Michael Jackson was charged with seven counts of lewd acts with a child. As is customary in these cases, afterwards he left the courthouse, jumped on top of a car and started dancing.
Did you see him at the courthouse? He arrived at the courthouse wearing a kind of boys prep school outfit. Good idea, when you're being arraigned on charges of child molestation. Wear the evidence to court.
I don't think Michael understands the severity of these charges. When they asked what he was doing after the arraignment, he said "I'm going to Disneyland!"
There was a big party today at the Neverland Ranch after the arraignment. Michael even sent out invitations. It was "B.Y.O.B." - bring your own boy.
What's with Michael wearing a white arm band? Arm bands are black. Everything with him - black is white. Everything is the opposite.
Michael's new lawyers might play the race card, after all, Michael used to be black.
Now that Michael moved out of the Neverland Ranch, he can sell it to the Boston Archdiocese.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, January 16, 2004:
Today Michael Jackson was arraigned in California court. Afterwards Michael got on top of a car and did a dance for fans.
He then had to stop when his brother Tito said, "Hey get off the top of my house!"
Heard on Craig Kilborn, January 16, 2004:
Today in court Michael Jackson showed up twenty minutes late for his arraignment. In his defense though, how fast can you walk backwards, grab your crotch and have a chimp on your shoulder at the same time?
January 18, 2004:
Fake psychic Uri Geller, known for bending spoons in his magic act, defended his friend Michael Jackson saying that Michael, under hypnosis in a recording studio at an undisclosed location three years ago, denied sexually abusing children. The hypnotized Michael confessed "My relations with children are very beautiful."
Geller said he was convinced that Michael was telling him the truth. "I'm a good hypnotist and I know who is trying to mislead me."
Polls on David Letterman, January 19, 2004:
10% say they would feel safer with Saddam Hussein behind bars.
90% say they would feel safer with Michael Jackson behind bars.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, January 20, 2004:
Michael Jackson has moved from Neverland.
On the advice of his lawyers, he has moved to NeverHappenedLand.
January 22, 2004:
Tonight is the Chinese New Year, the Year of the Monkey.
To celebrate, Michael Jackson is letting Bubbles play with the elephant man's bones.
Heard on Craig Kilborn, January 30, 2004:
Do you wonder if Michael Jackson goes to prison, will he walk backwards in the shower?
February 1, 2004:
Justin Timberlake undressed Janet Jackson during their Super Bowl performance.
It was a reverse -- for once, a child touched a Jackson.
Their performance had a little touch of crass.
Did Janet plan it?
Maybe Justin slipped Janet some wine in a soda can...
Justin had to apologize for what he called a "wardrobe malfunction". Sources claimed he only meant to expose Janet's red bra as he sang: "I'm gonna get you naked by the end of this song."
And he did. Talk about talking matters into your own hands...
Janet's game of peek-a-boob was quite an in-your-face performance.
Don't you just hate it when you have a "wardrobe malfunction" and your right breast pops out in front of a crowd of 70,000 people and an estimated 143 million more watching TV?
Now we know why they call TV the "boob tube".
Good thing that Janet had the foresight to wear that sun-themed nipple shield so she still left a little something to imagination.
Does Janet's left breast feel left out?
Some people called the event a "wardrobe malfunction" but isn't a wardrobe that suddenly falls off a woman functioning perfectly???
Show biz pundits said the stunt would boost 37-year-old Janet's career. After all, 37 is an ancient crone in pop-years.
One pundit said: "She needed to do something to get people interested in her again."
She needed to use her breast for attention... What else could she use? Her talent??
Janet's act was the kind of idea that you get when you have no ideas - the breast exposed the woman.
When Janet unleashed her breast, it flopped out like you would expect for a woman of her age.
If we're going to hell in a hand basket, couldn't the basket be more attractive?
Couldn't hell have come up with anything better than a flash of Jacksonian bosom?
Compared to the Bud Light ad featuring a flatulent horse, an ad featuring a crotch-biting dog, an ad where Cedric the Entertainer received a bikini wax, and the erectile dysfunctions ads (a Levitra ad featuring Mike Ditka and a Cialis ad featuring a prominent disclaimer (or promise?) that "erections lasting four hours" might require medical attention), was the little performance by Janet Skankho Jackson and Justa Trousersnake that much out of line?
After watching all of the bumping, grinding and groping on stage, I had wonder if I'm the only man without a four-hour erection.
And what about the other "performances" in the evening's Salute to Sexual Humiliation?
Nelly kept gesturing towards his crotch.
Kid Rock apparently had so little to wear that he had to desecrate an American flag and wear it as a poncho. At least he didn't have any "wardrobe malfunctions" in his feeble attempt to display a glimmer of patriotism. Maybe he was hoping that wearing a flag while screaming obscenity-laden lyrics would cover up his lack of skill. Someone needs to tell Mr. Rock that the white rapper thing has been over since Vanilla Ice.
The US Flag Code http://www.usflag.org/us.code36.html#176 in Title 36, Chapter 10, Section 176 states in item (d) "The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery." and in item (j) "No part of the flag should ever be used as a costume or athletic uniform."
Compared to previous half-time shows, this year's show had an obvious talent void on stage.
Shock has become a tool of people who have nothing to say but are more aggressive about saying it.
I wonder what will happen at the next Jackson family reunion... What are LaToya and Jermaine going to do to keep up with Michael and Janet?
Who'd have thought the day would come when Michael wasn't the most embarrassing Jackson?
Breast wishes and thanks for the mammaries...
All the fuss over Janet Jackson's Super Bowl stunt is merely a tempest in a C-cup.
I have to say, if Janet Jackson keeps up stunts like this, her family might get a scandalous reputation.
On the other hand, it's good to see that plastic surgery can work for a Jackson.
Beauty and the Breast by Heath David Hart
Show your breast! Show your breast!
Have your sidekick bare your chest!
Then pretend it's a 'malfunction' and the whole thing was in jest!
Flash your boob on the tube!
Prove that Viacom's your rube!
Why, that nipple silver plating's gonna top the TiVo ratings!
I'll be blunt: What a stunt!
(least you didn't show your c...)
The FCC is pissed, you might have guessed.
You and Michael, I suppose
need to both keep on your clothes.
So stay dressed! So stay dressed! So stay dressed!
Q: What do Michael and Janet have in common?
A: They both like to expose themselves to young boys.
Janet and Justin after the "wardrobe malfunction". http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com...2794264459.jpg and http://www.ultraclear.net/images/janet-tit.gif and http://www.news24.com/Images/Photos/...22just_jan.jpg and http://www.ananova.com/images/web/82878.jpg and http://www.apechild.com/images/r1453538398.jpg and http://www.apechild.com/images/r2794264459.jpg The Super Bowl streaker is at http://www.ultraclear.net/images/flasher.jpg
Janet exposed. http://www.apechild.com/images/jjt.jpg and http://www.gigglechick.com/erin/blog/jjt.jpg
Exposing Super Bowl video http://www.sternfannetwork.com/forum...?postid=347173
Buy the TitTazzler, only $19.95! http://uploads.ungrounded.net/149000...it_tazzler.swf
Janet's Right Tit interviewed by Larry King (Flash animation) http://kevina.tv/originalshorts/jrt.html
Supreme Court sends back ruling on Janet Jackson, May 5, 2009:
WASHINGTON -- The Supreme Court ordered a lower court Monday to reconsider its decision to throw out a fine against CBS for Janet Jackson's exposed breast during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show.
In a brief order, the justices sent the case of the "wardrobe malfunction," as Jackson's co-star Justin Timberlake termed it, back to the lower appeals court in light of a related high court decision April 28.
The justices expressed no position Monday on the merits of the FCC's effort to win reinstatement of a $550,000 fine against CBS in the Janet Jackson case. The justices' action, however, gives the FCC another chance in the Philadelphia-based U.S. Court of Appeals for the 3rd Circuit to justify its indecency claim again against CBS.
In the Janet Jackson case, the 3rd Circuit noted that the singer's bare breast was on camera nine-sixteenths of one second. An overriding question was whether the FCC acted arbitrarily under federal statute in finding the brief nudity indecent and warranting a fine.
February 1, 2004: Super Bowl Breast Coverage: Michael to Janet: You're an embarrassment to the family (joke)
Houston, TX - Michael Jackson, the King of Pop and star of The Smoking Gun, released a statement this morning through the Nation of Islam, condemning his sister's bare-breasted Super Bowl halftime stunt. The stunt has become the most talked about story from the 2004 Super Bowl, overshadowing the Patriot victory and inciting more internet traffic than MyDoom's swipe at SCO.
At the end of the performance, Justin Timberlake, who is known for his über-impressive sexual résumé, ripped off part of Janet's costume exposing her right breast. This while he sang "I can have you naked, by the end of this song," a line from his "Rock Your Body" single. While Janet quickly moved to cover her breast, the broadcast's sound was completely eclipsed by a collective "damn!" and high-fives from men the world over.
Michael stated that this incident is by far the most embarrassing of any Jackson scandals in recent years.
"I've stood by Janet through thick and thin. Through her nasty divorce, to the rumors of her espresso-laced enemas. But this has gone too far. The Jackson family name has stood for dignity and pride for so long. For her to ruin it with one fell swoop of Justin's perverted hand is disgraceful. What will the world think of us now?
"To molest young boys is one thing, the Catholic Church understands that. But to expose yourself in front of 140 million people. Where does this madness end? We have to draw the line somewhere."
Jermaine Jackson, who has been competing with Gloria Allred for the coveted "Media Whore" title, offered his insightful commentary on Fox News this morning.
"I'm kinda on the fence with this one. I mean, I love Janet more than the world, but she shamed the family yesterday. Now, instead of the Jackson name being synonymous with family values and man-boy love sleepovers, it will be linked forever with Janet's bare breast. We can't have that."
February 2, 2004: Ashcroft Detains Janet Jackson's Right Boob (joke)
Half of Singer's Rack in US Custody
Just hours after singer Janet Jackson shocked the world by exposing her right boob at the conclusion of Sunday's Super Bowl halftime show, Attorney General John Ashcroft ordered the offending boob detained "indefinitely," Mr. Ashcroft confirmed today.
"Janet Jackson's right boob has been taken into custody and sent to Guantanamo Bay for questioning," Mr. Ashcroft told reporters in a Washington briefing. "We'd very much like to know what the boob knew and when it knew it."
Ms. Jackson's right boob was detained under a little-known provision of the Patriot Act which enables the government to detain celebrity body parts that make surprise, naked appearances at nationally televised sporting events.
Under that provision, Mr. Ashcroft explained, Ms. Jackson's right boob will not have access to a lawyer and could face a military tribunal at some point in the future.
When asked about Ms. Jackson's left boob, Mr. Ashcroft said that it is not a suspect at this time but that it remains "a boob of interest."
"We would like to know if the left boob knew what the right boob was planning to do," Mr. Ashcroft said. "It strains credulity to imagine that the right boob acted alone."
Elsewhere, experts around the world confirmed that moments after Ms. Jackson's right boob fell out of its housing, Western civilization fell as well.
Dr. Milton Campeaux of the University of Minnesota said that experts were "surprised" that Ms. Jackson caused Western civilization's long-awaited collapse.
"We all expected a Jackson to do it, but not Janet," he said.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 2, 2004:
What a game yesterday? Wasn't that a great game? New England Patriots and the Carolina Panthers both played a great game yesterday. I'm mad, I lost big time yesterday. I bet a thousand bucks that Janet Jackson would show her left breast.
Did you watch that half time show? Finally a half time show for straight guys!
Did you all see that during the half time show? I guess Janet was singing a duet with Justin Timberlake and at the end he ripped off part of her costumes exposing one of her breasts. Boy, that was ironic, for once a Jackson getting molested.
Of course for viewers here in Los Angeles it was especially shocking. And most guys in this town have ever seen a real breast before.
I just hope what Janet did at halftime doesn't, in any way, tarnish the good name of the Jackson family.
Justin Timberlake said it was a "wardrobe malfunction", what were both breasts supposed to fall out?
Today CBS apologized for Janet showing her breast. Forget that - how about CBS apologizing for Richard showing his fat ass on "Survivor". That's the apology I want.
I love how high and mighty they get - they said "The moment did not conform to CBS's broadcast standards." "Standards?" What standards? They ran a commercial with a horse farting in a woman's face.
Today the Chairman of the FCC announced that he's launching an "immediate and swift" investigation into what they're calling "nipplegate". Immediate and swift investigation; however, we have to wait till next year to find out why we went to war in Iraq.
Heard on David Letterman, February 2, 2004:
At least now, I'm not the buggest boob on television!
Justin Timberlake called the incident a "wardrobe malfunction". The last time I had one of those I became a father.
After the game, President Bush called the Patriots to congratulate them on the win.
Former VP Al Gore called the Panthers to tell them he thought they had been robbed.
And former President Clinton called up Janet Jackson.
Heard on Craig Kilborn, February 2, 2004:
Last night thousands of people called CBS demanding apologies - and I'm not even on Sundays.
Just my luck - in the office pool I had Janet taking off Justin's bra.
February 3, 2004:
"The decision to have a costume reveal at the end of my halftime show performance was made after final rehearsals," Jackson said in a statement.
"They can apologize all they want, but this was wrong, and heads are going to fall," said New York-based media strategist Robbie Vorhaus, who once worked for CBS.
Performing together in a routine that had included a number of bump-and-grind moves, Timberlake reached across Jackson, flicking off the molded right cup of the bustier, leaving her breast bare except for a starburst-shaped decoration held in place by a nipple piercing.
On Monday, Federal Communications Commission Chairman Michael Powell said that he was outraged by the show and ordered an investigation of the incident.
Powell told CNN he was not convinced the incident was an accident.
"Clearly somebody had knowledge of it. Clearly it was something that was planned by someone," he said. "She probably got what she was looking for."
Of course, when it comes to honest investigations, Michael, like his father Colin, leave a little something to be desired. Michael wouldn't hurt a media company any sooner than Colin would admit that he was lying to the UN about images of Iraqi WMD.
Michael has long been in the big media's pocket and is leading a drive by the FCC to relax 25-year-old regulations that limit the number of stations and newspapers that a single broadcaster can own in the same market. As chairman of the FCC, Michael has never met a media merger that he didn't like.
Tom Freston, chairman and CEO of MTV Networks, claimed that MTV was "Punk'd" by Janet Jackson.
Apparently Mr. Freston neglected to read MTV's web site, which had teased last week: "Janet Jackson's Super Bowl show promises shocking moments."
The stock price of Viacom, the parent of CBS, rose more than 1 percent Monday.
Heard on David Letterman, February 3, 2004:
Everyone is still talking about the Super Bowl halftime show. People are upset, they're accusing each other, they're denying, no response from some - the FCC is going to investigate. And today President Bush formed the Department of Wardrobe Security.
President Bush slept through the halftime show - typical CBS viewer.
CBS is pleading ignorance over the stunt at the Super Bowl. Pleading ignorance. Why not? That's what they do with this show.
They say it was a "wardrobe malfunction". President Clinton must be wondering, "Why didn't I think of that?"
Heard on Jay Leno, February 3, 2004:
Earlier today, Janet Jackson's breast came out and saw its shadow. Which means six more weeks of winter.
How many of you watched that half time show on Sunday - or as they're calling it now America's Cup.
I got carpal tunnel from playing the TiVo back and forth.
You know who was really mad about this whole thing? President Bush. In fact today he accused Janet Jackson of having weapons of mass arousal.
I was shocked to hear this - Janet admitted today that yes the whole thing was a stunt and it was planned. (sarcastic tone) I thought it was a complete accident...
Janet's right breast issued and apology and will remain in seclusion for the next two weeks.
FCC Chairman Michael Powell said he gathered with his family to watch the show, but instead got a classless, crass and deplorable stunt. Or as we call that here at NBC... "Fear Factor". We do it every Monday!
CBS said they may bar Janet Jackson from the Grammy's because of what happened at the Super Bowl. Isn't that kind of tit for tat?
It was quite a show wasn't it - there was a streaker, Janet Jackson's breast was exposed and Kid Rock wore an American flag as a poncho. I was surprised that John Ashcroft's head didn't explode during that thing.
CBS said today that's why they put that "X-X-X" in the title. That's not roman numerals, it's the rating!
CBS has spent the last two days apologizing. Because you know, they didn't know... You know I think they should also apologize for Mike Ditka talking about his "ditka".
Did you see those ads for the Viagra-type pill called Levitra, where the big symbolism is he throws a football through a tire? Could you make it a little more obvious, Mike? Wouldn't a javelin be better?
What a country we live in - we don't have a cure for cancer but we've got 11 new ways to give a man an erection.
Today was Super Tuesday - that's when Janet shows both breasts.
Janet Jackson's 'malfunction' fine nixed, July 22, 2008:
A federal appeals court Monday threw out a $550,000 indecency fine against CBS for Janet Jackson's breast-baring "wardrobe malfunction" at the 2004 Super Bowl.
The court found that the FCC fine for the "broadcast of a nine-sixteenths of one second glimpse of a bare female breast" deviated from its nearly 30-year practice of fining broadcast indecency only when it was extremely "pervasive."
Q: What do little boys hate about staying at Michael Jackson's ranch?
A: The two-drink minimum.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 3, 2004:
Janet Jackson today released a statement apologizing for her breast being exposed.
After that, Michael Jackson issued a statement asking what is a breast.
Heard on Craig Kilborn, February 3, 2004:
I was watching VH-1 today and Janet Jackson's right breast was on "Where Are They Now".
President Bush said today that if we don't uphold standards and decency then the nipples have won.
The event was so crass and so sleazy that Fox is performing their own investigation to see why they didn't do it first.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 4, 2004:
CBS announced today they will be using a five second tape delay when they televise the Grammy's next week so they can stop any artist who attempts to flash. This is basically a booby trap.
More problems for Janet Jackson. Last night, she was pulled over and ticketed by police. It seems one of her headlights was out.
The President of MTV Judy McGrath, who produced the halftime show, said she was "Horrified". So apparently she doesn't watch MTV.
SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, February 4, 2004:
"Martha Stewart" is to "sold ImClone after tip-off" as
"Janet Jackson" is to "showed nipple after kick-off".
"Justin Timberlake in 2004" is to "grabbed Janet Jackson's breast" as
"Justin Timberlake in 2008" is to "governor of California"
February 4, 2004: Justin Timberlake Fumbles Boob Handoff From Janet Jackson; Panthers Nipped in Super Bowl
HOUSTON, Texas - In what turned out to be the key play in Super Bowl XXXVIII, Justin Timberlake fumbled a bra cap handoff from Janet Jackson midway through the game, stopping all forward momentum. Red hot through the half, Timberlake and Jackson left the game shortly after the miscue.
New England coach, Bill Belichick, keeping abreast of the situation from the sidelines, said later that the fumble was the turning point for his team.
"I think it was a planned move. I saw Timberlake going to Jackson's chest and thought, 'Holy cow, this is a package we haven't seen in game film.' Jackson didn't seem to be caught by surprise. What a boob. She was left standing there totally exposed."
"It was a busted play," he added. "Timberlake blamed equipment failure, but it's a poor workman who blames his tool."
The NFL said that Timberlake was out of bounds during the play.
New England went on to defeat the Panthers, 32-29, in what many are calling the most exciting and titillating game in Super Bowl history.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 5, 2004:
As you know Queen Latifah is on the show tonight. In the event that she flashes a breast, I'd like to warn the first three rows to stand back.
I never thought I'd say this, but you know something - I am sick and tired of looking Janet Jackson's right breast.
Do you know Janet Jackson's little halftime stunt has become the most searched event in the history of the internet? See, it proves once again that if you take out your breast during the Super Bowl halftime show, people will watch.
Next year the Super Bowl is on Fox. How sleazy is that halftime show going to be?
Today Justin Timberlake said he was "frustrated" by the whole Janet Jackson incident. Sure. He only got to first base of course he's frustrated.
They kicked Janet Jackson off the Grammy's, is this fair, but they're letting Justin Timberlake stay on. Flash your breast and you're in trouble, reach for a breast and you're get to be on the Grammy's and you get to be Governor of California.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 5, 2004:
Last month was one of the coldest months in New York history. It must be cold because when Janet Jackson was here, she almost put an eye out.
Still a lot of controversy over the Super Bowl halftime show. Justin Timberlake's parents said they were even embarrassed by the halftime show. They then went on to say that they were embarrassed before the game.
Quote by Jermaine Jackson, February 6, 2004:
"It wasn't done intentionally. It looked like an accident. I'm going to believe that."
Apparently Jermaine is in full self-denial, just like a good Jackson should.
Woman sues over Janet Jackon's breast, February 6, 2004:
A Tennessee woman has filed a class action suit against Janet Jackson and others involved in her breast-baring Super Bowl halftime show, saying millions of people are owed monetary damages for exposure to lewd conduct.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 6, 2004:
I guess you heard - CBS is barring Janet Jackson from the Grammy Awards. I guess that CBS would prefer to go with more wholesome performers like R. Kelly, and Christina Aguilera, rappers who talk about their ho's and bitches.
Because of Janet Jackson's performance at the Super Bowl, the Grammy Awards will now be on a five minute delay. So they can take out any mistakes. Dick Cheney now wants to use the technology on President Bush's speeches.
Even though Janet Jackson has been dropped from the Grammy's, Justin Timberlake is still performing. I don't know who Justin will be performing with at the Grammy's, but I'm kinda hoping for Dolly Parton. That wouldn't be any one handed deal.
Heard on David Letterman, February 6, 2004:
CBS is not allowing Janet Jackson to perform at the Grammy's. Hey if CBS is concerned about nudity then why don't they get rid of that naked fat guy on "Survivor"?
Heard on Saturday Night Live, February 7, 2004:
On Groundhog Day, Janet Jackson's breast took a peak outside its bra and saw its shadow, so we will have six more weeks of bad reactions.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 9, 2004:
Here's the scorecard from last night's Grammys - censors 15, naked breasts 0. Pretty much a wipeout.
As you know by now, Janet Jackson was not there last night. It seems she caught a chest cold.
In fact, Janet Jackson's current boyfriend says that Janet is holding up fine. Which is good news, because I thought she was starting to sag a little.
Quote by Sharon Osborne, February 9, 2004:
You did it, [ so ] own it. And next time, take both [ breasts ] out! Not just one - both! Come on! ... CBS says they "regret the incident" and the NFL says they're "extremely disappointed." Well, I was disappointed in just seeing one.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 11, 2004:
Because of Valentine's Day, Victoria's Secret is having something called the "Janet Jackson Lingerie Sale" - all bras half off.
Heard on David Letterman, February 11, 2004:
Today there was a congressional hearing on the Super Bowl halftime show. They don't have time for a hearing on Iraq or Enron, but they have time for a bra.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 16, 2004:
The "New York Times" is reporting that Michael Jackson is broke. They said that he owes $70 million for a loan to Bank of America that he can't repay. It's supposed to be due tomorrow. Give you an idea how broke he is. Over the weekend he was seen dancing on top of public transportation.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 16, 2004 (rerun from early November):
CBS is currently negotiating with Michael Jackson to star in a music special later this month. When asked about it, Jackson said, "CBS is doing its best to attract young people and so am I."
Notes From The Field by Robert X. Cringley, February 16, 2004:
Speaking of Action Jackson, word on the street is America Online has asked CBS to refund some of the reported $10 million it paid to expose its own products during the game. Apparently AOL felt overwhelmed by Ms. Jackson's, um, performance. I've just thought of another great way to use AOL disks -- added protection in case of wardrobe malfunction.
Heard on David Letterman, February 19, 2004:
So many celebrities are in prison... Diana Ross is in jail. She had to give up her hair-dryer, her lipstick, her ... -- oh, that's Michael Jackson.
Stamps of Crayon Colors That Didn't Make It from Conan O'Brien, February 19, 2004
Michael Jackson White
Jacko, Ex-Wife In New Legal Beef, February 24, 2004:
There just might be something to all this talk about strife between Michael Jackson and ex-wife Deborah Rowe, who has reportedly been miffed about the singer's contact with the Nation of Islam. Rowe, who is Jewish, had expressed concern that the couple's two children, Paris and Prince, were being exposed to the anti-Semitic NOI. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/rowevjack1.html
Heard on David Letterman, March 3, 2004:
Here's a sad thing today - a lot of our top stars are in jail or are going to jail. It's sad. And now Michael Jackson might be addicted to alcohol and painkillers. He's an addict. Looks like he's finally made his transformation to Diana Ross.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, March 11, 2004:
Michael Jackson gets Kentucky Fried Chicken for breakfast, lunch and dinner whenever he uses his private plane. Not surprisingly Michael always asks that the dark meat be bleached white.
Michael Jackson wants his stuff back, March 23, 2004:
Michael Jackson is looking to stop a New Jersey man from selling items such as "personal financial documents, medical records (some of which bear Jackson's social security number), private contracts and personal photographs." http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive...1jackson1.html and http://www.courttv.com/news/2004/0324/jackson_ap.html
Heard on David Letterman, March 24, 2004:
Here's more celebrity news. Michael Jackson -- remember who he is -- you know, I think something might be wrong with him.
He needed a break, so he took the kids to Hawaii. He likes it there because he can go right up to the edge of a volcano and dangle his kids over it.
Heard on David Letterman, March 30, 2004:
Janet Jackson was on the show last night. If you're keeping score at home that's Janet Jackson - two and Courtney Love - one.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 31, 2004:
Today Michael Jackson was in Washington where he met with a number of congressmen...
He might have to lie under oath pretty soon so he wanted to get some advice from the experts.
Poll appoints most foolish, April 1, 2004:
For the fifth consecutive April Fools' Day, Jeff Barge has released his "Most Foolish American" survey, a ranking of America's 23 greatest fools. Only a fool would be shocked to learn that Michael Jackson, the once-upon-a-time King of Pop accused of child molestation, has been named the country's top fool for a second straight year, followed closely by runners-up Janet Jackson and Martha Stewart, who tied for second breast, uh, best. Spears, the midriff-revealing, marriage-annulling train wreck, placed a foolhardy fourth.
Janet Jackson came in a close second, backed by 70% of respondents. The female performer made front-page news following the exposure of her breast, or "wardrobe malfunction," during a half-time show of American football's Super Bowl in February.
"Obviously they are giving each other advice," said Barge of the pop siblings. "And it's not good advice," he added.
Michael Jackson was named the most foolish American of 2003 after dangling his baby son over a Berlin hotel room balcony above press photographers last year.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 9, 2004:
In case you haven't heard, the Easter Egg Hunt at the Neverland Ranch has been postponed until after the trial.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 12, 2004:
According to the tabloids, Michael Jackson has a secret plan to leave America and hide out in Africa. Is that really the best place for Michael to blend in, Africa? Wouldn't Sweden work out better for him right now?
Heard on Jay Leno, April 22, 2004:
In the Mideast, Jermaine Jackson spoke out against U.S. policy. The Jackson family is in the Mideast. Finally. The voice of reason. Get Joe there with the belt, "Shhh".
Heard on Conan O'Brien, April 23, 2004:
In the year 2000, Michael Jackson leaves his body to science...
In particular, to a 7th grade all-boys science class.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 26, 2004:
What a crowd! You sound as happy as Mark Geragos when he heard he didn't have to defend Michael Jackson anymore!
That's the big story: Michael and Mark Geragos have split up. Apparently, Michael's upset with Geragos because he wouldn't play ball. He also wouldn't play tag, hide-'n'-seek or kick the can.
Actually, the other rumor is that Mark Geragos quit. See, that's when you know you're in trouble, when your lawyer looks at both his big cases and decides Scott Peterson may be the more innocent one.
Heard on David Letterman, April 26, 2004:
Michael Jackson's attorneys resigned. They had thought that they were defending Diana Ross.
When I heard that Michael Jackson was firing someone, I thought that he should fire his plastic surgeon.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 27, 2004:
According to Fox News, Michael's lawyer's quit because Michael doesn't like other people having direct access to him. Boy is he going to hate prison. Oh my God!
Heard on Conan O'Brien, April 27, 2004:
Michael Jackson fired his lawyers because he thought that they were ignoring him. He said that if he wanted to be ignored, he would have released a new album.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 28, 2004:
To give you an idea how hot it was today, Michael Jackson was asking kids "What they would do for a Klondike bar."
If the American people ever allow a central bank to control of the issuance of their currency, the banks and the corporations that will grow up around them will, first by inflation and then by deflation, deprive the people of their property until their children wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered. –Thomas Jefferson
|June 27th, 2009||#9|
Join Date: Apr 2006
Heard on David Letterman, April 28, 2004:
On my way to work this morning my cab driver was named the new head of Hamaas.
Good gig! Leaders of Hamaas last about as long as Michael Jackson attorneys.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 29, 2004:
Janet Jackson is here tonight: She was once very close to Justin Timberlake - but I guess they had a falling out.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, April 29, 2004:
Michael Jackson fired his bodyguards today -- they made the mistake of keeping young boys away from him.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 6, 2004:
They predict something like 80 million people are going to watch the final episode of Friends tonight. Eighty-million. That's right up there with Janet Jackson's right breast.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, May 11, 2004:
Female comic from SNL: Of all the men that I play on the show, Michael Jackson takes the least amount of make-up -- just a nose.
Conan: It makes sense -- you are a white woman...
Jacko hits the (baby) bottle, May 21, 2004:
Just when you thought the train wreck that has become Michael Jackson's life couldn't get any weirder: Former child star Macaulay Culkin's reclusive father, Kit, says he once discovered his young son, Rory, sitting on the floor with Jackson, both of them sucking on baby bottles.
Michael making new friends at the prison bakery.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, May 26, 2004:
It's being reported that Michael Jackson is considering moving to somewhere in Africa -- then he found out that the country of Chad is not a little boy.
Jackson settled first child molestation suit for approximately $25 million, June 16, 2004:
Michael Jackson paid out more than $25 million to settle a civil suit by a boy who accused him of molesting him in 1993.
Heard on David Letterman, June 16, 2004:
Michael Jackson was seen at a Taco Bell in L.A. He was seen at a Taco Bell and he was wearing a Spiderman mask. If this guy isn't careful people might start thinking he was weird.
Heard on Jay Leno, June 18, 2004:
Here's something unbelievable -- in an interview in the "Sunday Express of London", Janet Jackson claims in a new interview that the Super Bowl halftime controversy was a conservative plot to distract people from what was really going on in the world. Oh yeah, it was just a vast right breast conspiracy.
Heard on David Letterman, June 22, 2004:
Do you remember that guy that streaked at the Super Bowl? He was sentenced to six months in jail. And still on the loose in the streets is Janet Jackson.
Amazon has "29% off" label on the new Janet Jackson album.
Wonder what the FCC will have to say about that?
Heard on David Letterman, July 12, 2004:
The cicadas are finally gone. They came and made a lot of noise. Now they are gone and won't return for 17 years. Which means the next time they return it might be in time for the Michael Jackson trial.
Progressive Pictures on Conan O'Brien, July 13, 2004:
Spider, Snake, Frog, Michael Jackson...
These are things more likely to show up in a Boy Scout's tent.
Heard on Jay Leno, July 21, 2004:
Yesterday of course was the 35th anniversary of Neil Armstrong walking on the moon. One kind of embarrassing thing, when President Bush heard it was the 35th anniversary of the moonwalk, he sent a congratulatory telegram to Michael Jackson!
Heard on Conan O'Brien, July 21, 2004:
Michael Jackson is in the news again. "Us Weekly" reports that Michael Jackson and a surrogate mother are having quadruplets. They think Michael is having quadruplets because he's adding four new balconies to his house.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, July 23, 2004:
Michael Jackson denies that he is having quadruplets. He said that he doesn't feel right about bringing children into the world when there's people like him around.
Heard on Jay Leno, July 28, 2004:
This is the third woman that Michael Jackson has had artificially inseminated. How does that happen? Does he walk down the street, see a woman, and say to himself, "I'd love to artificially inseminate her!"
Heard on Jay Leno, July 29, 2004:
Michael Jackson has been accused of forcing a child to make a video absolving him. Social workers called it depraved. Lawyers called it suspicious. Catholic priests called it a good idea and asked themselves why they never thought of that.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, August 6, 2004:
VH1 is showing a TV movie about Michael Jackson called "Man in the Mirror".
Their next movie is about Tito Jackson. It will be called "Man in the Cardboard Box".
From RangerJim93, August 17, 2004:
Diana Ross Greatest Hits-Volume 1.
1. Lady Sings The Booze
2. Smashed Again
3. Hit And Run Shuffle
4. Drunk Tank Blues
5. Pickle Me Once, Pickle Me Twice
1. All Over The Road Again
2. That Run Down Feeling (of the Pedestrian I Hit)
3. Side Swipe Sonata
4. Beating The Meat (with Michael Jackson)
5. Supreme Hangover Blues
1. Somewhere at Neverland
2. Thank Heaven for Predators
3. He Touched Me, He Groped Me
4. I'm Getting Horny Over (Michael Jackson) You.
5. Masturbation at First Sight.
1. Thank Heavens for Little Boys
2. Behind The Green Door
3. Horny In The Court
4. Gay Hound On the Greyhound
5. This Lady is Michael's Tramp
Heard on Jay Leno, September 8, 2004:
Thanks for coming out on such a hot day! Man was it hot today! What was it, 106? I tell you, it was so hot, today Michael Jackson paid off an Eskimo kid ... what would you do for a Klondike Bar?
From RangerJim93, September 13, 2004:
Michael Jackson to Dr. Ross: "Gee, I have not been feeling myself lately."
Dr. Ross replies, "Well, Michael, WHO have you been feeling?"
Michael Jackson to Dr. D. Ross: "Gee, Doc, I have not been feeling myself lately."
Dr. Ross: "Michael, who have you been feeling?"
MJ: "That is for me to know and for you to find out."
Heard on Jay Leno, September 17, 2004:
Michael Jackson was in court today, facing the mother of the boy he's accused of molesting.
I don't think he helped his case any when he said, "Which one was your kid?"
Heard on Jay Leno, September 27, 2004:
Did you hear that Macaulay Culkin was arrested?
If he goes to jail, Michael Jackson might pull a Martha Steward and demand jail time immediately.
SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, October 19, 2004:
"Derek Jeter" is to "best loved in majors" as
"Michael Jackson" is to "best loved in minors".
Heard on Conan O'Brien, October 29, 2004 (rerun):
A big weekend this Sunday. It's Father's Day. Or, as Michael Jackson's kids call it, "Don't Remind Me Day."
Heard on David Letterman, November 10, 2004:
Do you remember the Super Bowl and the half-time thing where Janet Jackson dropped her deal? CBS has been fined $500,000 for that. That's the most money CBS has paid for a boob since they hired me!
New York City vs. LA on Conan O'Brien, November 18, 2004:
New York has the Museum of Human Oddities...
LA has Nick Nolte and Michael Jackson.
Heard on Jay Leno, November 18, 2004:
Michael Jackson is in the news again -- this time he's being sued for $3 million by a film producer who claims Michael never repaid him the money he loaned him. Isn't that unbelievable? Michael Jackson being sued by a grown-up? Has that ever happened before?
Heard on Jay Leno, November 24, 2004:
Michael Jackson's brother Jermaine Jackson has filed for divorce from his wife. Here's the odd part: Michael has asked for custody of the children.
Heard on Jay Leno, December 7, 2004:
You can tell it's the holidays. Authorities raided the Neverland Ranch today and found Michael Jackson in bed with the little drummer boy.
Authorities have tested Michael Jackson's DNA and made an astonishing discovery ... they now think Michael Jackson may be a black man in his 40s.
Heard on Jay Leno, December 9, 2004:
More problems for Michael Jackson. Today his inner child filed a restraining order against him.
The "National Enquirer" says the police found Michael Jackson's stash of porn in a briefcase at the Neverland Ranch. See, that just shows you how truly strange Michael Jackson is - what guy hides his porno in a briefcase. You hide it in your sock drawer like any good American.
Heard on Jay Leno, December 14, 2004:
Yesterday the jury sentenced Scott Peterson to death. Not only that, they said they think Michael Jackson is guilty as hell, too.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, December 23, 2004:
The other day Michael Jackson had a big Christmas party at the Neverland Ranch which was attended by a lot of children. Afterwards Jackson was visited by the Ghost of Don't You Ever Learn!
Heard on Jay Leno, January 6, 2005:
It does not look good for Michael Jackson. The prosecution evidence in the Michael Jackson case starting to leak out. Did you hear about this today? When police searched Michael's bedroom, this is true, they confiscated a pair of "Hanes underwear, size small". Here's the creepy thing: he had them mounted on the wall.
According to the documents just unsealed, this is absolutely true, you'll see this on the news tonight, Michael Jackson nicknamed one of his young boys "blowhole". That's what it said. I have two words - case closed.
Heard on Jay Leno, January 11, 2005:
Let's see what's going on in the little people versus Michael Jackson case.
According to police reports, Michael Jackson gave underage kids red wine hidden in cans of Diet Coke. Now that's just wrong, isn't it? I mean, the guy signed a deal with Pepsi. He shouldn't be crossing over like that.
Heard on David Letterman, January 12, 2004:
The Michael Jackson trial will be going on soon. Cameras aren't allowed in the courtroom, so the E Channel is going to re-create the trial every day with actors. They're looking for actors and actresses to play the roles. I will be playing the role of Tito.
They're having a difficult time of casting. When you think about it, for Michael Jackson they need to find a bleached-faced man that's had seven nose jobs. They asked Diana Ross but she was busy.
Heard on Kilborn, January 12, 2004:
The prosecutors in the Michael Jackson case are looking for a way to get Jackson. They're now focusing on the new law -- three tykes and you're out.
SAT Analogies from Conan O'Brien, January 19, 2005:
"Michael Jackson 2005" is to "surveying juror pool" as
"Michael Jackson 2006" is to "surveying kiddie pool".
Heard on Jay Leno, January 25, 2005:
Prosecutors in the Michael Jackson case want the children's testimony to be kept secret. To which Michael Jackson said, "Hey, if these kids could keep a secret, I wouldn't be here."
Heard on Jay Leno, January 27, 2005:
It was on this day back in 1984 that Michael Jackson was burned on his head while filming a TV commercial for Pepsi. I believe that's the last time Michael Jackson was considered hot.
Let's see what's new in the Michael Jackson trial -- or, as it's now being called, "Fondling Neverland."
Prosecutors now say they want to display Michael Jackson's porn collection for the jury. Why do they always call it a "porn collection"? Are men really porn collectors? Do guys go to flea markets on the weekends looking for porn? "Oh, look, a rare 1979 copy of 'Black Licorice.' I've been looking all over for this. I found it! I got it for two dollars!"
Heard on Jay Leno, January 28, 2005:
On Monday, a judge will introduce Michael Jackson to 300 prospective jurors. Does anyone need to be introduced to Michael Jackson? Are the jurors sitting there going, "Now which one is Michael? Is it the guy in the drum major outfit with half a nose?"
Heard on Jay Leno, January 31, 2005:
Prosecutors say they want to ban Michael Jackson from wearing sunglasses in the courtroom. But Jackson says he can't take them off, because they hold his nose in place. His glasses and nose are one piece.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 1, 2005:
What a crowd! You sound like Michael Jackson when he heard the judge call for a ten-minute recess. "Recess? Let's go, kids!"
Today on the news they were talking about the racial composition of the jury pool. They said it's about 20 percent African-American and 75 percent white ... oh, I'm sorry. That's Michael Jackson.
You know who I feel really sorry for today? Robert Blake. Did you see what happened to him? All the reporters left his trial and went up to cover Michael's. "Hey, come on, you guys. Who do I have to shoot in this town?!"
Heard on Ferguson, February 1, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial started today. At one point during the trial the judge called for a recess and Michael said, "Goodie, where are the kids?"
Heard on Jay Leno, February 2, 2005:
Welcome to "The Tonight Show". The entire audience tonight is made up of dismissed Michael Jackson jurors.
About a hundred fans turned out to cheer Michael Jackson at the courthouse today. That's not a good sign; when the people supporting you are outnumbered by the witnesses scheduled to testify against you.
At jury selection today one woman was allowed to go home because she is eight months pregnant. When he heard that Michael said, "I hope it's a boy".
How's this for a bombshell -- it seems Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe, the mother of his children is going to testify against him. When Michael heard that, it made his whole face drop. Luckily, an aide was there to pick it up and put it back on.
Heard on Letterman, February 2, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial is about to start out in California. That guy is kind of weird I think. They're doing jury selection right now. Michael is to be judged by a jury of his peers. So they're looking for 12 surgically altered freaks.
Heard on Letterman, February 3, 2005:
Are you following the Michael Jackson trial? Are you like me and think this guy might be a little weird? They're doing jury selection and Michael showed up to court wearing all black. Do you think that's such a good idea for a guy in his position to look like a priest?
Heard on Jay Leno, February 4, 2005:
You all excited about the Super Bowl? As you know, they have extra security at the Super Bowl. Just in case a terrorist tries to get in or a breast tries to get out.
It looks like we'll be hearing a lot about the "No Child Left Behind" program over the next few months. But enough about Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe has agreed to testify against him. Today Michael called Robert Blake and said, "How do you get to Vitello's?"
Jackson said in the Geraldo interview that he designed Neverland so he could enjoy the childhood he never had. Drinking wine while going through your porn collection? Hey I never had that childhood either. What childhood is that?
Jackson said in the Geraldo interview that he designed Neverland so he could enjoy the childhood he never had. You know he's been saying this since he was 20.
Michael Jackson is 46. You've had a childhood for 26 years. Quit saying you never had a childhood. You've now had the longest childhood in the world. You've never had an adulthood. That's what you've never had.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 7, 2005:
In Boston, the Priest Paul Shanley was found guilty on all counts in his sex abuse trial. I guess that means Michael Jackson is losing a character witness.
Things are not looking good for Michael Jackson and his "no child left behind" policy.
Did you see Michael Jackson's interview with Geraldo Rivera? Michael defends his sister's wardrobe malfunction. He said he told her at the time, "Don't worry, I've seen worse". Yeah, that's why he's on trial! Hello!
Heard on Jay Leno, February 8, 2005:
I watched some softball over the weekend -- Geraldo's interview with Michael.
Michael Jackson said in his interview that being a celebrity has made him a target ... well, that and having sex with young boys.
Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe is talking about suing Michael for custody of the children. And today Michael said, "Look, you can have them when they turn 15."
Heard on Jay Leno, February 9, 2005:
A worldwide anti-terrorism conference was held recently in Saudi Arabia. An anti-terrorism conference in Saudi Arabia. Kind of like having a child protection conference at the Neverland Ranch.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 9, 2005:
In a recent interview, Corey Feldman says that some parts of his childhood relationship with Michael Jackson were not so innocent. What's even more shocking is that someone interviewed Corey Feldman.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 10, 2005:
The E Channel is hiring an actor to play the role of Michael Jackson in their re-enactment of the trial. They've also hired Tito to play Tito.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 11, 2005:
That's the big story today. Former child star Corey Feldman has been subpoenaed to testify in the Michael Jackson case. I think this is the first callback Corey has had since the movie "Goonies"!
Heard on Letterman, February 11, 2005:
You know Whitman's chocolate? They've come out with a special commemorative Michael Jackson candy. It's lovely, it's delicious -- it's white chocolate with a nut inside.
Heard on Letterman, February 15, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial is going on. Listen to the list of witnesses for the defense. There's Liz Taylor, Quincy Jones, Diana Ross and Kobe Bryant. How are they getting better guests than us?!
The trial has been delayed because Michael had to be rushed to the hospital due to the flu. No word yet on his condition, but I bet we can rule out "stable."
Heard on Jay Leno, February 16, 2005:
Good news today from the hospital - Michael Jackson's condition has been upgraded from nutball to weirdo.
Here's my question - how do you know when Michael Jackson is sick? Does the color suddenly return to his cheeks?
Actually if you saw the press conference - doctors in the E.R. examined Michael for over an hour. They said it was like an episode of alien autopsy. None of the organs were in the same place...
But the good news is, they said this is the first time Michael Jackson could actually go into a hospital and come out with the same nose he went in with.
Have you heard about this? This is true. For some reason, I'm being called as a witness in the Michael Jackson trial. Actually they told me I'm a minor witness. As opposed to most of the witnesses who are minors.
Heard on Letterman, February 16, 2005:
Kobe Bryant is a witness for the defense in the Michael Jackson trial. That makes a lot of sense too. When you think character witness, you think Kobe Bryant!
Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital yesterday due to the flu. His condition has since been upgraded from serious to creepy.
Heard on Ferguson, February 16, 2005:
Michael Jackson checked into a hospital yesterday for the flu. But he's doing fine now. Today he was dangling his doctor from a balcony.
Doctors say he will be fine and back to freaking people out within 72 hours.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 17, 2005:
As you know on Tuesday, Michael was rushed to the hospital with nausea, dizziness and vomiting. Apparently on the way to the courthouse his lawyers must have showed him all the evidence against him.
I was trying to see if there were any stories in the news that are not about Michael Jackson... Here's one -- NASA officials say they found possible evidence of life on Mars. No, that sounds like a Michael Jackson joke too.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 18, 2005:
As you may know, I've been called as a witness in the Michael Jackson trial. Why do people applaud that? See so many celebrities wind up in court now, people think it's like an awards show. "Oh you got picked for that trial. Not doing that crappy Phil Spector trial..."
As I'm sure you know, Michael Jackson left the hospital the other night and he's doing great. He said he feels like a kid again.
Although Michael has gone home for the hospital. His doctors say he will "remain under observation". Remain under observation? If he were under observation to begin with, none of this would've happened! We took our eye off the ball.
Heard on Letterman, February 18, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial is going on. I think this guy is a little peculiar. They are now having trouble finding jurors for the trial. Jurors are getting out of the trial by claiming "hardship"... wait that's last nights audience.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 21, 2005:
As you know, Michael Jackson is out of the hospital. Doctors say within a couple of days he should be completely back to abnormal.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 22, 2005:
Did you see Michael Jackson arrive in court today in an SUV with the windows rolled down and his head sticking out in the rain -- and that's normal behavior for a guy who just got out of the hospital with the "flu".
Heard on Jay Leno, February 23, 2005:
It's official -- the jury has been chosen in the Michael Jackson case. It's two-thirds female. Just like Michael. So it'll be a jury of his peers.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 24, 2005:
Michael Jackson's fate is now in the hands of four men and eight women. As opposed to his usual crowd, 11 boys and one chimp.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, February 24, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial has started. When Michael first got to court after being released from the hospital, hundreds of fans turned out to support him. But just last night only a dozen fans were there when he left the courthouse. Michael blamed the turnout on the rainy weather and being a school night.
Heard on Jay Leno, February 25, 2005:
In the Michael Jackson case, it looks like we now have a jury. They are eight white people, three Hispanics, and one Asian guy. Boy, that sounds like the worst basketball team in history, doesn't it?
Heard on Letterman, March 1, 2005:
Are you folks following the Michael Jackson trial? There was an embarrassing moment today when the judge banged his gavel to get everyone to quiet down. He slammed it down so hard that Michael's nose fell off.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 2, 2005:
Opening arguments have begun in the Michael Jackson trial. The prosecution for some reason ripped into Jude Law. Why is everybody picking on him?
Michael Jackson claims that his partner would sleep in the bed while he slept on the floor. Same arrangement the Clintons have.
As you may have heard, I've been named as a possible witness in the Michael Jackson trial. Actually, I'm not going to speak at the trial. What I'm going to do is tell my story with some anatomically correct dolls. That'll make it easier for me.
Have you seen the celebrity list? It looks like a bad "Cannonball Run" movie.
Heard on Conan O'Brien, March 2, 2005:
Here's the latest in the Michael Jackson trial. Yesterday at one point Michael Jackson started crying. It's amazing what a passing school bus will do.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 2, 2005:
Well, let's see what's happening in the news that I'm allowed to talk about.
Do you know about this gag order? I'm a potential witness in the Michael Jackson trial. As you know, there's a gag order for everyone involved in the Michael Jackson trial. In fact, I believe I'm the first person over the age of two that has been gagged by Michael Jackson.
So tonight folks it will be all Tito Jackson jokes.
As you know - the Michael Jackson trial is going on up there and yesterday and one of the witnesses was a public relations specialist who was hired by Michael Jackson to counter all the negative publicity. Well that worked out well, huh? That's a job well done.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 7, 2005:
You know what's fascinating -- you know the first person to call Martha when she was released from jail? Michael Jackson. He said he wanted to know what it's like for a white woman in prison.
As you know, I have to stop right there. As you know, I have been subpoenaed. I am under a gag order. I cannot do any Michael Jackson jokes, but because of the gag order, we're bringing in a guest comedian to tell some Michael Jackson jokes. He's the star of his own show on CNBC, five-time Emmy Award winner, good friend, one of the funniest comedians around -- Mr. Dennis Miller, ladies and gentlemen!
(Dennis Miller) Big day in the trial today, folks. I see where Michael Jackson and George Hamilton have officially crossed lines on the pigmentation flow chart.
Some interesting facts coming out about Neverland. It seems Michael Jackson has the only playroom in the Western world with a wine steward.
What do you serve with Macaulay Culkin? Red? White?
So, let me get this straight. Jackson gets the kids over at the Neverland Ranch ... and by the way, if you like the Neverland ranch, try the vinaigrette. But anyway ...
He gets the kids over and he gives them vodka and porn. You know, you get rid of the child molestation thing and this guy's the really cool uncle I always wanted.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 8, 2005:
(Due to the gag order on Jay Leno in the Michael Jackson trial the following Michael Jackson jokes were done by Roseanne Barr.) The other day at the Michael Jackson trial they showed a video of Michael Jackson's house. And both of Michael's ex-wives showed up because they said that they always wanted to see what the bedroom looked like.
Defense lawyers say they might have Michael testify. They don't really want him to, but doctors believe it's the only way they can get his nose to grow back.
You know I kid Michael, but it is really just great to tell jokes about someone who's had more plastic surgery than me.
Heard on Letterman, March 8, 2005:
Michael Jackson has been accused of releasing grand jury testimony in his case. I'd hate to see Michael get into any legal problems.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 9, 2005:
Well, there are reports that Michael Jackson may be trying to sell the Neverland Ranch. He's having financial problems. That's what they said in the paper today. He might be putting it on the market, and Michael's neighbors are up in arms. They're afraid some weirdo might move in.
(Due to the gag order on Jay Leno in the Michael Jackson trial, the following Michael Jackson jokes were read by Carrot Top.)
You know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?
When the big hand is on the little hand.
Today Michael Jackson told the jury that he actually likes 38-year-olds. What he meant was 30 8-year-olds ...
Heard on Jay Leno, March 10, 2005:
(Michael Jackson jokes done by Drew Carey due to gag order on Jay Leno in the Michael Jackson trial.)
Nice to be here. Thank you very much. Michael Jackson showed up to court late today wearing his pajama bottoms. You know what? If we find the kid wearing the pajama top, we have another court case on our hands.
Michael arrived at court looking stiff and awkward and had difficulty moving. Hey, maybe he really is white.
The official word from the Michael Jackson camp is he has a hurt back. Hey kids are heavier now!
What does Michael Jackson call a school bus? Meals on wheels.
Do you know where Michael's two favorite places to go on vacation are? Youngstown and Boise!
What does Michael Jackson never say after having sex? "Why don't you grow up?"
The observers say Michael rarely looked at the boy on the stand. Of course he didn't. The kid is 15 now.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 11, 2005:
Hey, before we get started, has anybody seen my pajama bottoms?
The gag order has been lifted. I can finally say what I have not been allowed to say all this time: Michael Jackson is my father.
Yesterday, Michael Jackson showed up at the courthouse late. Or, as he likes to call it, "a little behind."
When Michael actually did arrive, he was looking disheveled, wearing pajama bottoms and walking stiffly. Which is usually how most boys leave the Neverland Ranch.
In fact, the worse part was when the kid saw the pajamas and said, "Hey those are mine."
You know what I think happened -- I think Michael got confused. I think he saw all those boys on the witness stand and thought there was going to be a sleep-over.
In the Michael Jackson trial, the jury wasn't in court. They were given three days off to let their skin stop crawling.
A lot of people thought Michael was faking it yesterday, but people who know Michael say he does have back problems that flare up from time to time. Like when he's on trial for child molestation.
A lot of people think Michael may be suicidal. That's the latest theory. Just last night he swallowed an entire bottle of Flintstone Chewables.
The boy testified that Michael Jackson was walking around naked and aroused. Boy, all of a sudden Janet Jackson's Super Bowl thing doesn't seem so bad, huh?
You know who I feel sorry for in all this? Robert Blake. Today he stuck his head inside the jury room to see how it was going, and they were all watching the Michael Jackson trial.
See, here's my feelings on this whole thing -- if Michael Jackson wants to have sex with kids, he should do what other people do and become a teacher.
Why does Michael stay at the Ramada Inn? Kids stay free.
Why does Michael Jackson like blackjack? He gets to double down on 10 or 11.
What did Michael Jackson tell the priest? "Hey, I saw him first."
Michael Jackson is so broke, he's only hitting on kids with trust funds. That's how bad it is now.
Michael is so broke, today he was pouring red wine in cans of RC Cola.
Michael Jackson is broke. Funny, now he can actually only afford one glove.
Michael Jackson is so broke, now when he dangles a kid over a balcony it's to shake spare change out of their pockets.
Michael Jackson so broke, he's now considered poor white trash.
Progressive Pictures on Conan O'Brien, March 13, 2005 (rerun):
Jose Canseco, Mark McGuire, the singer known as Michael Jackson...
People more likely not to reach third base legitimately.
From N. O. Ledú, March 15, 2005:
Michael Jackson's lawyer expected a better reaction from Michael when he told him the good news: It looks like we are going to have a hung jury.
Why was Michael nonplussed at the news?
Apparently, he was hoping for a well-hung jury.
Heard on Letterman, March 14, 2005:
Are you following the Michael Jackson trial? Last week he shows up to trial in his pajamas. You know... I'm starting to think he's a little crazy and weird.
Heard on Ferguson, March 15, 2005:
St. Patrick's Day is right around the corner. You can tell because today Michael Jackson was seen dangling a leprechaun.
Toys "R" Us is about to go bankrupt. See what happens when Michael Jackson stops dating?
I have a question about Michael Jackson: If Michael Jackson and Marilyn Manson were driving and collided on the 401 freeway, would it be considered a freak accident?
Heard on Letterman, March 16, 2005:
Today in California, Michael Jackson paid off a leprechaun.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 21, 2005:
Michael Jackson, late for court again today, you know, because of his bad back. Well, you'd have a bad back too if every conversation you had in your life involved having to bend over and ask, "What's your name?"
Heard on Jay Leno, March 22, 2005:
Michael Jackson had a big St. Patrick's Day party at the Neverland Ranch last week. In fact, when the cops showed up, Michael told the kids, "Just tell 'em you're leprechauns."
You know how they pronounce Michael's name in Ireland? "Pete O'Phile."
Heard on Letterman, March 22, 2005:
Insiders now claim that Michael Jackson is zonked on medication, cut off from reality and headed for a nervous breakdown... No, wait a minute... that's me.
Heard on Conan, March 22, 2005:
If it's possible, you always think with the Michael Jackson trial it couldn't get stranger, then you tune in the next day and it's absolute madness.
Yesterday, Michael showed up late again, and then he broke down crying at one point. In fact, people close to Michael say he hasn't been this upset since they canceled "The Wonder Years."
Heard on Kimmel, March 22, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial continued today. Michael either showed up on time for court today, or showed up really, really late for court yesterday, I'm not sure...
He's been complaining about a bad back. His doctor says it's a combination of stress from the trial, and sleeping in a four-foot long racecar bed.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 23, 2005:
As you know, Michael Jackson late again to court, twice this week ... have you seen him? Two people helping him walk into the building; he's constantly late; he's crying a lot; he's walking stiffly ... I think he's going through menopause.
Yesterday, Michael brought his personal magician into court with him. Good to see this thing doesn't turn into a circus. I guess the magician's job at Neverland was to make the young boys' pants disappear.
According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money.
Heard on Kimmel, March 23, 2005:
Today was a very good day for Michael Jackson ... well, I guess as good as it can get when you're on trial for child molestation. For the second straight day, Michael was 20 minutes early to court. What he's done -- and this is very clever --- he's started TiVo'ing "Teletubbies."
There's a story going around that when Michael gets off scot-free, which will happen, he's going to sign a deal to be the house performer at the new Trump casino that they're building in Las Vegas. I guess things went well with Celine Dion at Caesar's Palace, and they figured why not sign up another superstar white woman to perform.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 24, 2005:
In the Michael Jackson trial, one of Jackson's lawyers slumped over in his chair and had to be taken to the hospital yesterday on a stretcher, did you see that? It happened right after Michael told him he was really broke and couldn't pay him.
Heard on Conan, March 24, 2005:
Yesterday at the Michael Jackson trial, jurors were shown a pornographic magazine taken from the Neverland Ranch called Over 50. When asked why he bought the magazine Over 50, Michael said, "I thought they meant months."
Heard on Ferguson, March 28, 2005:
It's a bad day today in California, for the defense in the Michael Jackson case. The judge asked Michael what kind of laptop he had, and Michael said, "His name is Timmy."
Heard on Kimmel, March 28, 2005:
Jurors in the Michael Jackson trial got to look at his adult videos and magazines. It's even worse than your mom finding them, having a jury go through them. Some of the things he had -- he had Penthouse magazine, he had Barely Legal, he had something called "Photos of Sydney Men," and this shocking video, "Girls Gone."
Heard on Jay Leno, March 29, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial started 45 minutes late again yesterday after Michael showed up and started crying... Yeah, he's crying because he doesn't have the Robert Blake jury.
This has been a very stressful week for Michael Jackson. You know how he deals with stress? You what he likes to do when he's in court? He likes to picture his accuser in his underwear.
Michael says he prays every day over the phone with the Reverend Jesse Jackson. And today Jesse said: "That was Michael? I thought I was hitting on Janet."
Heard on Miller, March 29, 2005:
In an interview on Sunday, Michael Jackson declared he is the victim of a conspiracy and asked fans around the world to pray for him. Jackson would not go into detail about what exactly the conspiracy is, but did hint it was being perpetrated by people who do not like their kids being molested... Jackson went on to say his persecution was identical to that of black luminaries such as Nelson Mandela and Muhammad Ali... Except, of course, for the black part.
Heard on Ferguson, March 29, 2005:
The judge in the Michael Jackson trial ruled to allow testimony from past accusers. So you thought the lines were long at Disneyland... now you're gonna see something.
Michael Jackson claims he's the victim of a conspiracy by a group that's trying to make him out to be a weirdo. I believe that group is called "the public."
Heard on Conan, March 30, 2005:
It's was a bad day for Michael Jackson, because new tapes have emerged where Jackson says he didn't lose his virginity until he was age 32. On the bright side, Jackson's been named an honorary Trekkie.
Heard on Jay Leno, March 31, 2005:
Lisa Marie Presley will kick off her spring tour April 26, in support of her new album. Her album is called, "Now What?" which is the same thing Michael said to her on their wedding night.
Heard on Miller, March 31, 2005:
A flight attendant that flew with Michael Jackson and his accuser from Miami to Santa Barbara testified Wednesday that she served Jackson wine in a Diet Coke can. You know, I guess when your nose is down to a piece of bathtub stopper, you don't really need glassware to release the bouquet anymore.
Heard on Kimmel, March 31, 2005:
Not a good week for Michael Jackson, the low light being when he showed up to court an hour and forty minutes late. No one knew where he was. Michael claims he was hospitalized with back problems. He's had a bad back, I guess, ever since he tried to give both Macaulay Culkin and Immanuel Lewis a piggyback ride at the same time.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 1, 2005:
Did you see Lisa Marie on "Oprah," talking about her marriage to Michael? She said she first got suspicious something was wrong on their honeymoon, when Michael carried the bellboy over the threshold.
I'm sure you've heard this. Michael Jackson was caught on tape saying he was a virgin until he was the age of 32. I mean, is that really shocking? I mean, he was a black man guy 'til he was 35.
"Johnny Cochran died and had a funeral. You know who was at the funeral -- both O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson. In fact, Michael cornered O.J. and said, 'How do you get stains off a glove?'" -- Bill Maher
"What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney? One has pasty white skin, fake body parts and he's creepy; the other's Michael Jackson." -- Jay Leno
"The judge in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial selected 250 candidates for the jury pool, which Jackson himself has selected 20 for the kiddie pool." -- Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Michael Jackson announced this week that the Neverland Ranch is no longer home to him. He said he can't go back there. Which of course is really bad news for the kids locked in the crawlspace." -- Jay Leno
Heard on Ferguson, April 5, 2005:
Have you been watching the Michael Jackson trial? I've decided I'm not going to do any more Michael Jackson gags. It's just a late-night thing, I'm not going to do it. It's because (a) they're not very good, and (b) they're starting to creep me out. All this new evidence and stuff, it looks like he's going to jail. He's going down! ... That's a bad choice of words ...
I'm doing no more Michael Jackson jokes. But ... the judge in the Michael Jackson trial has ruled that past allegations against Michael Jackson are now admissible. Michael was so upset when he got the news, some color actually drained into his face.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 6, 2005:
There was no testimony in the Michael Jackson trial today. Apparently, all the witnesses had a big spelling test. More bad new for Michael Jackson. It now looks as though is inner child will testify against him.
Heard on Kimmel, April 6, 2005:
Michael Jackson -- singer, I don't know if you've heard of him... He got a break from his trial today, and he needed it because, I mean, the Ferris Wheel hadn't been oiled, the giraffes hadn't been milked... I mean, the Neverland Ranch is a mess.
Michael Jackson actually went to a funeral today. It's kind of weird, because on one hand, you have the pope lying in state, and on the other you have Johnnie Cochran. I think that's what they mean by the yin and the yang. Thousands of people showed up for his funeral today to pay their respects. In particular, I think Johnnie's family will miss him, as well as his colleagues, his former clients, and really, anyone else whoever killed his wife.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 7, 2005:
You know what's the difference between the Lakers and Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson actually gets excited about heading to the showers.
Not looking good for Michael. His accountants announced today he is finished doing his taxes. He's declared three children as defendants, and 47 accusers...
Heard on Ferguson, April 7, 2005:
A judge today ordered a man to stay 100 feet away from Janet Jackson. Now here's the test to see if you're too close -- if you can see her nipple without squinting.
Michael Jackson, the other Jackson, was late to court due to illness. The good news is, he's got a clean bill of health from the ear, nose, nose, nose, no nose, and throat doctor.
Heard on Kimmel, April 7, 2005:
A lot going on in the Michael Jackson trial. Yesterday, they had a fingerprint expert to analyze prints they found on a Penthouse Magazine the police seized from the Neverland Ranch. Apparently, the prints are from Michael, Michael's accuser, the accuser's brother, and a giraffe, which was weird...
They say Michael's prints were very prominent because his fingers were covered with a film of Tootsie Pops and Lunchables.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 8, 2005:
Here's the latest in the Michael Jackson trial, if you've been following this thing. A former security guard said he saw Michael performing sex acts. It's pretty amazing when you consider his first two wives never even saw that.
As you know, one boy (in the trial) mentioned a "tickling game" that got out of hand. Which is, coincidentally, how I got this job.
Heard on Miller, April 8, 2005:
Approximately 5,000 people attended the funeral of Johnnie Cochran on Wednesday, including O.J. Simpson, Michael Jackson, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. Actually, O.J. played a major role at the funeral, as he led a slow speed procession to the cemetery in a convoy of white Ford Broncos.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 11, 2005:
The district attorney will claim that Michael Jackson molested actor Macauley Culkin. You know what that means. Michael was cheating on Webster.
Heard on Miller, April 12, 2005:
Jackson's former chef testified Friday that he saw the pop star reach up Macauley Culkin's shorts as he was delivering French fries to Jackson one night. Of course, at the Neverland Ranch, that's called a Happy Meal.
Heard on Ferguson, April 12, 2005:
It's a bad day today in California, for the defense in the Michael Jackson case. The judge asked Michael what kind of laptop he had, and Michael said, "His name is Timmy."
Top Ten Signs You're Not Getting Enough Sleep on Letterman, April 14, 2005:
1. You're beginning to think Michael Jackson might be innocent.
2. Duties as President limit you to a mere 11 hours a night.
3. You take naps at work -- only problem, you sleep in the nude.
4. (Writers too tired to write number four)
5. You schedule unnecessary surgery just for the three hours of general anesthetic.
6. Your typical lunch: coffee grounds on whole wheat.
7. When asked to describe yourself, most people say "Lethargic Sumbitch".
8. You're so fatigued, you get winded chewing gum.
9. Can't even stay awake for the two minutes it takes to have sex.
10. You always fall asleep on airplanes -- and you're the pilot.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 22, 2005:
Tonight our guests are country star Alan Jackson and "American Idol" judge Randy Jackson. We have every musical Jackson not currently on trial.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 28, 2005:
Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe is testifying against Michael. I just hope this doesn't turn Michael off of women forever.
Do you realize she's the first person to testify that Michael hasn't seen naked?
There was one embarrassing moment while she was testifying when she was asked to point out the man she was married to for three years. She pointed to Latoya.
Heard on Conan, April 28, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial is the big news right now. Today two of Michael's lawyers got into a shouting match in the parking lot. The lawyers got so childish that Michael started hitting on them.
Heard on Jay Leno, April 28, 2005:
Have you been following the Jackson trial? What was supposed to be the Prosecution's star witness, Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe praised Michael Jackson yesterday. Jackson was so happy that after court he told Debbie "If you were a 12 year old boy I could kiss you."
It's not looking good for the prosecution in the Michael Jackson case. In fact, Michael is already planning a big party at Neverland for the night he's acquitted. If you go, remember it's "BYOB": Bring Your Own Boy.
Heard on Miller, May 3, 2005:
I'd like to take a quick moment to personally thank Jennifer Wilbanks for being such a conniving, narcissistic, self-important human being. If she hadn't pulled her little runaway bride stunt triggering a massive cross-country manhunt, I'd be standing here telling a bunch of Michael Jackson jokes. Instead, I have Fresh Meat. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you again for being such a self-indulgent, deer-in-the-headlights, commitment-phobic be-yotch.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 11, 2005:
Michael Jackson's defense lawyers plan to put three more men on the stand who say that as boys they slept in the same bed as Michael and nothing happened. The boys names are Tito, Jermaine and Jackie.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 16, 2005:
Today is Janet Jackson's 39th birthday. She's starting to get up there in years. Soon she'll have to open her pants for a breast to pop out.
Heard on Conan, May 16, 2005:
The Michael Jackson trial is about to begin. Reporters are saying that Michael is a lot like Martha Stewart and if he's acquitted he'll come back bigger than ever. The main reason they're alike though is that they're both successful white women.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 17, 2005:
Michael Jackson joke of the night: As you may have heard, next Tuesday I am being called to testify in the Michael Jackson trial. I have to go up there. Despite what happens, I just hope that Michael and I can continue to be friends and ride Harleys together on the weekends.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 19, 2005:
In the Michael Jackson trial - a former Jackson security guard testified that the accuser and his brother would get drunk in the wine cellar when Michael wasn't around. But in their defense if you knew you had to sleep in Jackson's bed later that night you'd have to get drunk first too.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 23, 2005:
By now I'm sure you've all seen that photograph of Saddam Hussein in his underwear. Here's the really creepy part - it was taken at Michael Jackson's house.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 24, 2005:
(On testifying in the Michael Jackson trial) You know the worst part about testifying? I had to follow the chimp. Uh, you should have seen that witness chair, it was disgusting.
Actually there was one king of embarrassing moment when they asked me to point out the defendant and I pointed to Latoya.
And now there's talk of Michael Jackson leaving the country as soon as the trial is over. One report says he wants to go to Africa and "disappear". Maybe he'd have a better chance doing that somewhere else. Like Sweden.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 25, 2005:
Everyone's talking about all these "Star Wars" fans dressed in strange costumes. They look like aliens and weird creatures from outer space. No, I'm sorry. That was outside the Jackson trial yesterday. I was in Santa Maria yesterday. I got confused.
Actually, yesterday I ran into Jackson in the lobby before going in to the courtroom. And ironically he was on his way to the little boys room.
You know the strangest thing about testifying yesterday? After the trial O.J. Simpson picked me up in his ford bronco and took me to Robert Blake's house for an Italian dinner.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 26, 2005:
As you may know, I testified in the Michael Jackson trial this week. You know, I was sitting on the witness stand, Michael wouldn't even look at me. Then I realized, of course I'm over 12. Nothing personal...
Heard on Jay Leno, May 26, 2005:
Today in a surprising twist prosecutors charged Michael Jackson with fondling Mary Lay Letourneau's new husband.
Now it's all up to the jury. Michael Jackson is in the hands of the jury. Which is kind of ironic, this is first time they've ever been in the hands of adults.
Actually there's a lot of talk that if Michael is acquitted, he will be leaving the country. Or as he calls it, he's being transferred to another parish.
Heard on Jay Leno, May 30, 2005 (rerun):
Michael Jackson is broke. According to ABC he is broke and can't make the payroll for the employees at the Neverland Ranch. It's so bad that tonight the kids at the dinner table said, "Llama again?"
Heard on Jay Leno, June 1, 2005 (rerun):
There are so many scandals now they're all starting to run together. Last night I fell asleep watching the news and I had a nightmare where I dreamed a Georgia bride ran away to the Neverland Ranch so she could secretly meet Paula Abdul and have a three way with Pat O'Brien.
Heard on Jay Leno, June 2, 2005:
If Michael Jackson is acquitted he's going to throw a big party at the Neverland Ranch. The party will be B.Y.O.B. -- bring your own boy.
Heard on Jay Leno, June 7, 2005:
Here's something interesting - Michael Jackson's father said if Michael is found guilty, Tito will do the time.
Heard on Conan, June 7, 2005:
According to Michael Jackson's father, Joe, if Michael is found guilty he will take care of Michael's kids. Joe Jackson went on to say, "I might be old, but I can still dangle kids from a balcony."
Heard on Conan, June 8, 2005:
If Michael Jackson is convicted he could end up in the same prison as Charles Manson. Charles Manson heard this and said, "I hope not, that guy is nuts."
Heard on Jay Leno, June 9, 2005:
The Jackson jury only deliberated for a half day today and left without reaching a decision. The jurors said they didn't want to leave early but, a couple of them had publicity shoots for their book deals.
Former child star, "Home Alone" star, Macaulay Culkin pleaded guilty yesterday to drug charges. Which is kind of ironic, if he went to prison, he could wind in bed again with Michael Jackson.
Jesse Jackson has been Michael's spiritual advisor through the trial. Michael Jackson has had spiritual advisors throughout his career. But none of them have really worked out. You know what they need out at that Neverland Ranch? Catholic nuns with rulers... "Keep you hands off that boy."
Heard on Jay Leno, June 10, 2005:
Still no verdict in the Michael Jackson trial. They say because of cash-flow problems at the Neverland Ranch, feeding time has been reduced from twice a day to just once per day. And that's just for Michael's brothers.
Supposedly, Michael is 270 million dollars in debt. In fact, the last time Michael Jackson was in the black was, well... when he was black.
Q: How do we know that it turns Micheal Jackson on to go to court?
A: Because he came in his pajamas!
Micheal Jackson was found innocent today.
He is free to spend another 20 years in a juvenile detention center.
Heard on Jay Leno, June 13, 2005:
Kinda slow news day. Did anything happen today? Good news for Michael Jackson, not guilty on ten counts! The bad news - he's going to Disneyland!
I tell you Michael Jackson was so happy with the verdict, when he got back to the Neverland Ranch, he gave all the cleaning monkeys the rest of the day off.
Well it's over. Thank god. Now Michael can go back to just being a regular guy. Watch the game, have a brewskie.
Heard on Letterman, June 13, 2005:
The verdict is in and Michael Jackson is not guilty on all charges. However, his plastic surgeon was found guilty on all counts.
This just in... Saddam Hussein wants his trial moved to Santa Maria, California.
After the trial the press was talking to the jurors and one of the jurors said that Michael's innocence was as plain as the nose on his face.
Michael had lots of supporters. In fact even if convicted his chimp said that he would wait for Michael.
We knew the jury was close to a verdict today because earlier they asked the judge to see O.J.'s glove.
Michael said he was thankful for the California legal system and a jury of twelve dumbasses.
Heard on Jay Leno, June 14, 2005:
I'm sorry if I'm a little groggy today. I was up all night at the big sleepover victory party at Michael Jackson's place. Just Jesus juice all night long!
As you know Michael Jackson was found not guilty on all counts yesterday. In fact, the first thing Michael did after being found not guilty was throw away that back brace he's been wearing. Don't need that thing anymore!
Of course a lot of people were incredibly happy about the verdict. None of them children...
Legal experts say the key was that the defense really didn't play the race card. Well duh. They didn't know which race to play.
This trial lasted 14 weeks. Do you realize that's 6 weeks longer than average NBC sitcom.
After the trial last night, Michael finally got a chance to relax. He went out and had a little Mexican. I believe it was a 14-year-old named Ramón.
Today on the news they showed up in Santa Maria, all the media packing up and getting ready to go home. Yeah, it's always a sad day when the circus leaves town.
Heard on Letterman, June 14, 2005:
It was so hot that Michael Jackson went out for ice cream by himself!
As you know Michael Jackson was found not guilty on all ten counts. Now he says he wants to just go back to his normal reclusive whack job self.
Top Ten Things Overheard During The Michael Jackson Verdict
1. Another case of a white guy getting preferential treatment!
2. Wait, have Tito, Latoya and Jermaine always been on the jury?
3. Michael, good news - I just saved 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico.
4. We the jury find the defendant...creepy.
5. Do you think this'll be on the news tonight?
6. I'm a celebrity in an L.A. courtroom - I like my chances.
7. No, I think he'll do fine in prison.
8. Will Mr. Blake and Mr. Simpson please keep the laughter down?
9. Of course he's nervous - look how pale he is.
10. We the jury find the defendant not guilty - oh God, did I say the wrong one?
Heard on Jay Leno, June 15, 2005:
Well the big story, the Los Angeles Police Department announced they will no longer arrest famous people who break the law. What's the point?
I bet Russell Crowe wishes he threw that phone at somebody in Los Angeles, huh?
Pretty amazing - the jury found Michael Jackson innocent. Robert Blake innocent. O.J. Simpson innocent. Now the big question, is Phil Spector famous enough to that same get out of jail free card. Hasn't had a hit for a while.
Today Michael Jackson thanked all those close to him that made it all happen. You know, the little people.
It's kind of ironic when you think about it. The only Jackson you can accuse of committing a lewd act is Janet at the Super Bowl. The one we wanted to see.
Heard on Letterman, June 15, 2005:
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor is Batman
1. He's a recluse in a weird outfit with a young sidekick. (Sorry, that's a sign your neighbor is Michael Jackson.)
2. When he goes on vacation, asks if you'll water his plants and grease his bat pole.
3. On Thanksgiving, you see green lantern holding a JELL-O mold.
4. You hear him on the phone asking J. Crew if they carry seersucker cowls.
5. Introduces his parents - Carl and Linda Batman.
6. Who's banging on his door at 4 AM but an angry, knocked-up Catwoman.
7. He's re-roofing his house to fix loose shingles and grappling hook damage.
8. His teen son drove to the prom in the Batmobile.
9. When you mention Superman, he rolls his eyes and mutters, "pantywaist".
10. Always complaining about his "rubber suit rash".
Q: What's the most surprising thing about Michael Jackson's not guilty verdict?
A: That 12 adults got him off!!
Heard on Jay Leno, June 17, 2005:
Have you heard this rumor that Michael Jackson might be performing in Las Vegas, although his career isn't what it used to be. I understand he's going to play Diana Ross in the legends show.
Heard on Jay Leno, June 20, 2005:
Another earthquake -- this is getting crazy! That's like four in a week. You think this is gods way of saying he doesn't believe the Michael Jackson jury either.
This is interesting - sources close to Michael say that he is planning on leaving the country and living in either South Africa or Switzerland. South Africa or Switzerland -- why is everything either black or white with this guy?
Heard on Conan:
Michael Jackson is leaving the country. He is either going to South Africa or Switzerland. Seems he is a little confused. His ancestors come from South Africa but he looks like he's from Switzerland.
Heard on Jay Leno, June 21, 2005:
Here's some great news: an 11-year-old boy scout who disappeared in the mountains of Utah late last week has been found perfectly healthy. It turns out, when he heard about the acquittal; he was just hiding from Michael Jackson.
Michael's new home song (in tune of spongebob) by Fred, Jun 29, 2005
Are ya ready for me kids?
Aye, Aye Jackson!
I can't heeeaaar yooouuu!
AYE, AYE JACKSON!
Who lives in a pineapple in Tennessee?
With teeth that are yellow and white is he.
Nautical nonsense be somethin' of a cult.
Then hit the deck and be an adult
Michael Jackson! ,
Michaaaaael! Pull ya Paaants!
eehee, eehee, eehee, eehee, eehee, sharrmole! sh..arrmole.
From Heather, July 6, 2005
Mom: So did you hear Michael Jackson was found innocent?
Son: Yeah, it's the first time he's gotten off in front of adults!
Heard on Conan, July 15, 2005 (rerun):
Michael Jackson gave every juror a Tiffany keychain with the inscription "I will love you forever". Then on the back, it says "see you next trial".
Heard on Leno, July 18, 2005:
Thank you for coming out on the hottest day of the year so far. It was 107 today. People are sweating like Michael Jackson looking at pictures of Harry Potter.
Heard on Leno, July 20, 2005:
Thank you once again for coming out on another hot day. It was so hot Michael Jackson walked up to a boy selling lemonade and just got the lemonade.
Heard on Leno, July 21, 2005:
Michael Jackson says he wants to move to Berlin. As soon as the Germans heard about it they started to put the wall back up.
Heard on Leno, July 25, 2005:
Michael Jackson's adult magazine collection has been ordered to be returned to him. Michael wasn't able to be reached for comment. He will be in the bathroom until Thursday.
Heard on Leno, August 9, 2005:
Two jurors in the Michael Jackson case now say they've changed their minds; they now say Michael is guilty. I believe the legal term for this is "book deal".
Here's my favorite story - two of the Michael Jackson jurors were on MSNBC tonight to say they regretted acquitting Michael and they know think he's really guilty. It's kind of sad, in California; it's always the jury who's the last to know.
Can we at least get these two morons to give us back the $10 a day we paid them to be on jury duty?
There was a rumor that Lisa Marie Presley has sold Graceland. Luckily it turned out not to be true. I'm glad she didn't sell it. I was so afraid the new buyers would turn it into some kind of gaudy, tacky tourist attraction.
Heard on Letterman, August 9, 2005:
Have you heard this? Two of the Michael Jackson jurors now believe he's guilty. Gee... if only they could have done something about it.
Heard on Conan, August 19, 2005:
Michael Jackson is in Bahrain with his 20 year old protégé. Actually his protégé is two ten year olds.
Heard on Conan, September 6, 2005 (rerun):
Ever since the verdict in the Michael Jackson trial has been released, the sales of Michael's albums have gone up.
In a related story Michael Bolton has announced that he sleeps with young boys.
Heard on Leno, September 6, 2005:
Chicken experts at the University of Georgia, which sounds like a joke itself, have discovered how to transform dark meat into white meat. Well nice to see Michael Jackson's doctor working again.
Heard on Letterman, September 6, 2005:
Michael Jackson is going to get a complete makeover. He wants to look more macho and less creepy. Another job too big for FEMA.
Michael Jackson is trying to change his image to become more macho.
Michael is serious about this makeover. For example, today he renamed the Neverland Ranch to The Ponderosa.
He wants to look more macho. He's now lifting weights, wearing shorter wigs and using less make-up. Hey -- it worked for Janet Reno!
Heard on Leno, September 16, 2005:
There was one kind of embarrassing moment (in Bush's speech) when they pointed the giant statue in the square and told President Bush it was Andrew Jackson and Bush said, "Now was he the oldest or was it Tito?"
Heard on Conan, October 1, 2005:
Michael Jackson is back in the news...
Fox News reported that Michael Jackson asked Stevie Wonder to appear on his new album, but Stevie turned him down.
When asked why, Stevie replied "I'm blind, but I'm not crazy."
Heard on Conan, October 5, 2005:
Michael Jackson is in the news again...
Michael Jackson is suing a German contractor for breach of contract.
Michael said that when he asked for payment in Marks for the contract, he wanted boys named Mark.
Celebrity Interviews: Who is the Scariest Man on Conan, October 5, 2005:
Stephen King said "the man who wrote The Omen".
Michael Jackson said "the white man I see when I look into the mirror".
Heard on Leno, October 5, 2005: (rerun)
Macaulay Culkin was on the stand today.
He testified that he and Michael Jackson were playmates back when he was 10 and Michael Jackson was 35.
It came out today that Michael claimed that his chimpanzees and monkeys did light housework.
Since when are apes experts in cleanliness?
They didn't start the housework until Michael found out that they were no good in bed.
Heard on Leno, October 6, 2005:
Emergency workers in L.A. today pulled an 8-year-old boy out of a 30-foot-hole he'd fallen into. They pulled him out using ropes and pulleys. Michael Jackson immediately bought the property, calling it a "potential gold mine".
Heard on Leno, November 4, 2005:
Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch is for sale. No one has bought it yet, but I understand they have a firm offer from the Boston archdioceses.
Blasphemy In A Bottle, November 7, 2005:
In a full-bodied blend of blasphemy and ingenuity, a Los Angeles couple is seeking to market a wine called "Jesus Juice" that bears a label showing a Michael Jackson-like figure appearing to be crucified.
Heard on Leno, November 10, 2005:
Michael Jackson's father says that Michael probably won't ever come back to live in the United States again. So kids, it's safe, you can come out now.
Heard on Leno, November 17, 2005:
Michael Jackson is moving to the Persian Gulf. This week he was over there and caused a riot when he went into the wrong restroom. In Michael's defense I'm not sure if there is a right restroom.
Heard on Leno, December 1, 2005:
More problems for Michael. It now seems that his ex-wife Debbie Rowe is now saying Michael is not the biological father of her children. Debbie Rowe is speaking out against Michael. Know what that means. Apparently the check bounced.
Heard on Conan, December 28, 2005:
It's being reported that Michael Jackson is going to leave the country and move to the Middle East. Finally we have found a way to strike back at al Qaeda!
Heard on Conan, January 19, 2006:
According to the "National Enquirer", Michael Jackson plans to convert to Islam and will even take an Islamic name -- "Malcolm in The Middle X".
Heard on Letterman, February 7, 2006:
The Vatican has hired Michael Jackson to write prayer music. Because when your church has an image problem -- you call Michael Jackson!
In fact he's already been named an honorary priest.
Heard on Leno, February 8, 2006:
Tonight was the 48th annual Grammy Awards. It was also the 96th birthday party for the boy scouts. Gee, I wonder which one Michael Jackson went to?
Heard on Conan, February 9, 2006:
Michael Jackson is back in the news. Apparently Michael is so broke he now has to fly commercial, no longer flies on private planes. This finally answers the question -- what's worse than being seated next to some fat guy?
Heard on Leno, February 21, 2006:
The word from Fox News is that Prince Abdullah of Bahrain has thrown Michael Jackson out of his palace. Michael Jackson is now homeless in Bahrain. That's pretty dangerous isn't it, for a cartoon character to be walking around in a Muslim county. That's not good right now.
Heard on Letterman, February 21, 2006:
An Arab country in charge of ports. That's like FEMA in charge of disaster relief. That's like Wayne Gretzky's wife in charge of your bank account. It's like Michael Jackson as your nanny.
Heard on Letterman, February 22, 2006:
The United Arab Emirates has agreed to give our ports back if we take Michael Jackson back.
Heard on Leno, March 13, 2006:
Last week in L.A. authorities shut down Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Hey guys, what's the hurry? You thought FEMA was slow to respond to a crisis. More bad news. You know who bought it? The Catholic Church.
Heard on Letterman, March 13, 2006:
The Neverland Ranch has been closed in California. Good to see them nip that in the bud.
Heard on Conan, March 20, 2006:
Michael Jackson spoke about the trial. He said that driving past Chucky Cheese without stopping was the hardest thing he's every done.
Heard on Leno, April 18, 2006:
Michael has made a Jackson deal with a New York investment group to re-finance $300 million dollars in loans. After the deal was worked out they told Michael don't spend the money all on one kid, ok?
Fake pictures of Michael Jackson in the May 2006 GQ magazine:
Heard on Leno, May 4, 2006:
Yesterday Michael Jackson came out in support of boycotts. Well he came out in support of boys on cots.
Heard on Leno, June 7, 2006:
Do you know how Michael Jackson spent 6/6/06? With three six year olds.
Cocaine in Jacko's Pants, Sun Online, June 17, 2006:
Traces of cocaine were found on Michael Jackson's underwear during a police raid, it was revealed yesterday.
The discovery emerged as the troubled singer faced shock new claims that he is abusing and trafficking drugs.
Cops are secretly investigating allegations by former aides that Jacko, 47, is hooked on anti-depressants and painkillers.
They say he pops up to 40 pills a day -- and was seen falling flat on his face after injecting himself with a mystery drug.
He is suspected of transporting drugs from California to Bahrain, where he currently lives, and obtaining them with fake prescriptions.
If the American people ever allow a central bank to control of the issuance of their currency, the banks and the corporations that will grow up around them will, first by inflation and then by deflation, deprive the people of their property until their children wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered. –Thomas Jefferson
|June 27th, 2009||#10|
Join Date: Apr 2006
Michael Jackson Heads for Paris, Fox News, June 28, 2006:
Michael Jackson is moving from Bahrain to "Europe", as his press release and publicity advised yesterday.
But I am told that Jackson is likely going to settle in Paris if he can find the money to buy a suitable home. He's already nixed moves to London and to Germany, two places where he at least has constituencies. Paris is the likely choice for Jackson.
"He wants to be in a place where people can meet with him easily," says a source. "Bahrain was not that place."
Jackson was recently photographed in Paris, being pushed through the Tuileries in a wheelchair, wearing pajamas and sunglasses, shaded by an umbrella.
Yesterday was a big day in Jacko World. He fired his Bahraini lawyers, Los Angeles accountant Alan Whitman, recently hired manager Guy Holmes and severed ties with the people who've generously paid his way for the last year.
Heard on Leno, June 30, 2006:
According to the "New York Post", Michael Jackson announced that he may be moving to Paris. Well you thought the French hated us before. They'll probably think he is one of those mimes.
The Baffling Case of Jacko, the Gay Porn King, and Bags of Cash, The Independent, July 2, 2006:
While Michael Jackson holes up in Bahrain, his legal problems are piling up in California, where two lawsuits are casting new light on his bizarre lifestyle and lavish spending habits, as well as further eroding his rapidly depleting bank balance.
Testimony has now begun in a breach-of-contract trial in Santa Monica which pits Jackson against Marc Schaffel, his former associate and financial adviser. Mr. Schaffel, who produced gay porn videos before forming business links with Jackson in 2001, claims the singer owes him $3 million in expenses, salary and cash loans.
Another lawsuit, brought by Jackson's former manager Dieter Wiesner, seeks £45m from the embattled former King of Pop and is due to be heard later this year. Both of the lawsuits are backed up by tape recordings of rambling and sometimes incoherent telephone conversations Jackson had with the two men.
The trial is providing yet another look into the strange and eccentric world of Michael Jackson, where money is delivered in paper bags and price tags are never questioned. In pre-trial depositions, Mr. Schaffel said the singer was constantly asking for money to support his lifestyle. He said that when Jackson wanted large amounts of money he would telephone and say "supersize them".
Jackson's domestic life has not been going well either. He has lost his appeal against a ruling in February that gave his ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, parental responsibilities for their two children, Prince Michael, nine, and Paris, eight.
Jackson Checks In to Check Out Tax Breaks for Artists, The Sunday Times - Ireland, July 2, 2006:
Michael Jackson's new management team is checking out the benefits of Ireland's tax incentives for creative artists, writes Jan Battles.
The pop star, acquitted of child molestation charges in California last year, has been in Ireland for the past 10 days "on personal business". But a move could become permanent after his advisers study the artists' exemption scheme introduced by Charles Haughey in 1969.
Heard on Letterman, July 14, 2006:
Michael Jackson is going to move to Ireland. He's already found a cottage in a small village known as Glenn Creepy.
He's already being sued by a leprechaun.
Heard on Leno, July 17, 2006:
It was so hot in Encino that Michael Jackson actually stopped at a young boy's lemonade stand and just bought some lemonade.
Heard on Leno, July 18, 2006:
How creepy is this? A Dutch court has given approval for a new political party whose main goal is to lower the age of sexual consent from 16 to 12. Today Michael Jackson was seen shopping for wooden shoes.
Heard on Letterman, August 28, 2006:
Here's some new from California. A fire was started near Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. There was some dry grass and they think someone started a fire. Now I think the blaze was caused by some concerned parents.
They say that fire has them puzzled and is of suspicious origin - but so is Michael Jackson.
Heard on Leno, September 18, 2006:
Are you all watching "Survivor: Apartheid"? In this edition of "Survivor" the tribes have been broken up into ethnic groups; whites, blacks, Asians, and Hispanics. The writers are Jewish.
If Michael Jackson was a contestant on the show I wonder which tribe he would be a part of?
The next season of "Survivor" will feature Christians versus Muslims in "Survivor: Baghdad Island".
Favorite Humphrey Bogart Quote of Celebrities on Conan, September 19, 2006:
Michael Jackson: Here's looking at you kid.
Michael Jackson's Comeback Scuttled, September 26, 2006:
Two Seas or not Two Seas? Michael Jackson has opted for the latter.
The self-proclaimed King of Pop has split with the Bahrain-based record label just five months after signing on, pushing his once thriving music career into an ever deepening hibernation.
But we may not have heard the last of Jackson just yet.
The Gloved One has already formed the Michael Jackson Company to oversee his dwindling finances (memo to the bean counters: You can start by removing the personal magician from the payroll).
After a sojourn in the Middle East, Jackson is currently holed up in England. His little sister Janet confirmed to Oprah Winfrey Monday that he and his children had no immediate plans to return to the States.
Heard on Leno, September 26, 2006:
As you know Hugo Chavez insulted President Bush last week at the U.N. This upset many Americans. It goes across party lines. Democrat Representative Charlie Rangel said it's one thing for Americans to criticize President Bush, but not okay for foreign leaders to do it on American soil. Sort of like Catholics making fun of Catholics. Jews making fun of Jews. Or Michael Jackson making fun of child molesters.
Heard on Leno, September 29, 2006:
Finally, Fox News is reporting that Michael Jackson's custody battle with his ex-wife over the kids is going to be settled. She'll get them on weekends. And in return, he'll be allowed to see other children.
Heard on Leno, October 31, 2006:
Today is Halloween -- or as American kids call it "Fat Tuesday!"
Michael Jackson calls trick-or-treating "room service".
Dilbert's Weasel Awards Poll Results http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilber...ults_2006.html
Tom Cruise 12520 votes
Michael Jackson 10263 votes
Mel Gibson 7819 votes
Paris Hilton 7558 votes
Charlie Sheen 1926 votes
Heard on Conan, November 16, 2006:
Last night at an awards show, Michael Jackson made an appearance and he was introduced by Lindsay Lohan. People in the audience kept asking, "Who are those two skinny white chicks?"
Heard on Conan, November 28, 2006:
Michael Jackson is planning to follow in the footsteps of Madonna and Angelina Jolie, and do charity work in Africa. Jackson says he wants to get to Africa soon - before all the good kids are taken.
Heard on Leno, December 8, 2006:
The House Ethics Committee has found that Mark Foley didn't do anything illegal. They said it was willful ignorance, but he broke no law. What law? The Cardinal Bernard Law?
Who was the chair of this committee? Michael Jackson?
Heard on Leno, December 27, 2006 (rerun):
Michael Jackson is planning a Christmas party for 1,000 of his fans for December 19th in Japan. A Michael Jackson Christmas party. Two things you don't want there - mistletoe and the Little Drummer Boy.
Heard on Kimmel, January 26, 2007:
Michael Jackson's back home in the USA. Parents are being warned to keep their children away from cotton candy machines, bounce houses and the circus.
Heard on Leno, January 30, 2007:
Michael Jackson's brother Jermaine says that he wants Michael to convert to Islam. Islam? How about converting to the human race -- try that first.
Heard on Conan, January 30, 2007:
Michael Jackson in the news. Jermaine Jackson said on Monday he wants his brother Michael to convert to Islam. Michael said, "No thank you, I've already had 72 virgins."
Heard on Letterman, February 5, 2007:
Congratulations to the city of Indianapolis. The Colts beat the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. After the game, a confused President Bush phoned the locker room and asked to speak to Janet Jackson. Actually you have to hand it to the Colts . . . I believe that was the Bears' strategy.
Heard on Letterman, February 14, 2007:
Michael Jackson has introduced his own line of Valentine's candy. It's tremendous. It's white chocolate with a nut inside.
Heard on Conan, February 20, 2007:
Michael Jackson is reportedly upset because he was unable to get tickets to the NBA All-Star Game. However, Michael felt better about missing the game after someone explained to him that Jason Kidd is actually a grown man.
Heard on Letterman, March 6, 2007 (rerun):
We are having a heat wave. It is over 100 degrees. Michael Jackson went swimming in the adult pool.
Heard on Letterman, March 14, 2007:
Michael Jackson is charging $3,400 a person to shake hands with the guy. If you want to, for $3,400 you can shake hands with Michael Jackson. Heck, if I want to spend a minute with a creep, I'll take the subway.
Heard on Leno, May 24, 2007:
Some of Michael Jackson's personal processions will be auctioned off in Las Vegas the end of this month. The one thing that Michael won't be parting with though, is his Pinocchio doll. Do you know about this? Michael will not sell his Pinocchio doll. You know, on the off chance, that one day it might became a real live boy.
Heard on Ferguson, May 24, 2007:
Michael Jackson is in the Middle East. Bahrain. He's appearing at a private birthday party for $10 million. It's a children's birthday party. It's only $10 million, but it's all Michael could afford.
Heard on Conan, June 15, 2007:
It's been reported that during the brief period that Paris Hilton was out of jail, she received a consultation from Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon. Michael's plastic surgeon told Paris, "There's nothing I can do for you. You're already a white lady."
Heard on Conan, July 10, 2007:
Celebrity wishes for the new Harry Potter movie:
Nicole Richie: To see Harry and Hermione kiss.
Michael Jackson: To see Harry turn thirteen.
Heard on Leno, August 8, 2007:
Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. She says the problem with her husband's fundraising campaign is she can't make him black, and she can't make him a woman. That's the same problem with Michael Jackson's people.
Heard on Letterman, October 1, 2007:
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Marrying Michael Jackson
10. Are OJ Simpson, Phil Spector and Robert Blake spoken for?
9. Does the hyperbaric chamber fit two?
8. Technically, is Michael the bride or the groom?
7. Is the best man a llama?
6. Will it bother me when he uses my make-up?
5. If I do this, which one of us will people call 'the crazy one'?
4. Can I put up with being a 'football widow' during the NFL season?
3. What would Liza Minnelli do?
2. Will he let me raise our monkeys Jewish?
1. How long can I put off consummating this thing?
Heard on Letterman, October 2, 2007:
Top Ten Ways George W. Bush Can Boost His Approval Rating
10. Play comical slide-whistle every time he screws up
9. Release NSA wiretaps of Jessica Biel's hot phone conversations
8. Tell everyone "W" stands for "Whoa, this guy's awesome!"
7. Help O.J. find the real memorabilia
6. Send 20,000 troops to stop Michael Jackson's wedding
5. Devote weekly radio address to discuss what's happening on "The Hills"
4. What do you mean "boost"? Everything's great!
3. Co-star in a movie with a monkey
2. Go on television; Say, "You know what? I did lose in 2000"; Hand over the keys to Gore
1. Appoint blue ribbon commission to find out what happened to the Mets
Heard on Leno, October 5, 2007:
Hillary Clinton says that she wants give every baby born in America $5,000. Today Michael Jackson said, "I'll make it $6,000."
Heard on Letterman, October 9, 2007:
News from the world of show business. Michael Jackson will appear on a British television show as a teacher for 14-year-old kids. I don't see a problem there.
Heard on Letterman, September 1, 2008:
By the way, another celebrity birthday -- Michael Jackson... Michael Jackson's having a birthday, 50 years old today. Fifty years old today, yep, and it's also his 20th anniversary of being creepy. But he had his annual physical, and the doctor said that Michael Jackson is in great shape for 50. As a matter of fact, he said he has the body of a much younger woman.
Heard on Conan, September 1, 2008:
Michael Jackson turned 50 today and he said he wants to spend the day watching cartoons with his kids. Then tomorrow, he'll go back to watching cartoons with someone else's kids.
Heard on Ferguson, September 2, 2008:
Michael Jackson turned 50 last week. He's technically a senior citizen. He'll be saying, "You kids get onto my lawn."
Michael Jackson 'becomes a Muslim and changes name to Mikaeel', November 21, 2008:
Beleaguered pop star Michael Jackson has converted to Islam and changed his name to Mikaeel, it has been claimed today.
The 50-year-old singer, who has previously been photographed wearing a traditional Arab women's veil, reportedly became a Muslim in a ceremony at a friend's house in Los Angeles.
The singer, who was raised as a Jehovah's Witness, is said to have sat on the floor and worn a small hat while an imam officiated at the home of Steve Porcaro, who composed music on his Thriller album.
Heard on Ferguson, January 26, 2009:
Here's an interesting story: Broadway producers are putting together a musical based on Michael Jackson's "Thriller". It's an unbelievable story about an innocent young boy who turns into an undead freak. I don't know what the musical is about...
Heard on Ferguson, February 16, 2009:
Doctors are saying that Michael Jackson might have a flesh-eating infection, which is very surprising to me, because I'm thinking they're parts to Michael Jackson that are still flesh?
Jacko's Junko: 2,000 Of Michael Jackson's Items Going To Auction, February 18, 2009:
LOS ANGELES - The King of Pop is lightening his load.
At an April auction featuring more than 2,000 personal items, Michael Jackson is set to sell his American Music Award for "Thriller," a velvet cape given to him by his children for Father's Day in 1998, a pair of rhinestone-trimmed socks from 1981, a basketball signed by Michael Jordan and his own original artwork.
The 50-year-old singer is also parting with his platinum and gold records, a customized Harley Davidson and a Rolls Royce limousine.
The five-day sale was announced in December by Julien's Auctions, but the full extent of the items available wasn't known until Tuesday, when the auction house released images of the lots. The auction begins April 21.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/17/jackos-junko-2000-of The Collection of Michael Jackson, King of Pop: a Once in a Lifetime Auction Featuring The Personal Property of Michael Jackson
April 22nd - 25th, 2009
Exhibition: 9900 Wilshire Blvd in Beverly Hills, California 90210, Adjacent to The Beverly Hilton
April 14th - April 21st (10:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m. Daily)
$20.00 per person for Exhibition and Auction
Auction: 9900 Wilshire Blvd in Beverly Hills, California 90210, Adjacent to The Beverly Hilton
April 22nd: Session I: Garden Statuary and Outdoor Furniture, Session II: Furniture and Decorative Arts
April 23rd: Session III: Furniture and Decorative Arts, Session IV: Antiques, Paintings and Fine Decorative Art
April 24th: Session V: Amusements, Arcade Games and Disneyana. Session VI: Amusements, Arcade Games and Disneyana
April 25th: Session VII: Memorabilia From the Life and Career of Michael Jackson, Session VIII: Memorabilia From the Life and Career of Michael Jackson
Heard on Kimmel, March 5, 2009:
Michael Jackson held a press conference to announce 10 shows he's planning. For a person who treats his face like a Mr. Potato Head, he looks pretty good.
Poem up for auction
Michael Jackson's poem with the refrain
Children of the world, we'll do it
With song and dance and innocent bliss
And the soft caress of a loving kiss
We'll do it.
Heard on Ferguson, March 10, 2009:
Michael Jackson has announced some concert dates. At the press conference he gave what looked like a Nazi salute. Nothing says I've still got the crazy like a Nazi salute.
A lot of people say Michael Jackson is a freak. I say no. He's just a disturbed man-child lost in a creepy dream world.
Jackson Property Sale Cancelled, April 15, 2009:
A planned auction of more than 1,000 items from the former home of pop star Michael Jackson has been cancelled.
Heard on Kimmel, April 29, 2009:
Everyone in Mexico right now looks like Michael Jackson with those face masks they're wearing.
W&M breaks simultaneous 'Thriller' dance record, May 15, 2009:
A group of College of William & Mary students has won the world record for most people assembled to dance Michael Jackson's "Thriller" simultaneously in one place. The 242-person routine was organized by longtime Jackson superfan Kevin Dua, who was notified by Guiness World Records on Friday morning of the accomplishment. The previous record was 147 people in an event held last summer at a British secondary school.
From the White House Files: A Fight Over Michael Jackson, June 26, 2009
The death of Michael Jackson on Thursday recalled his brush a quarter century ago with an aide to President Ronald Reagan -- John G. Roberts Jr., who would go on to become chief justice of the United States.
From chewbaccaspyder Fri Jun 26 19:54:01 2009
I heard Micheal Jackson requested to be cremated in his will but they can't do it because burning plastic would create too much air pollution.
From mountbatten Fri Jun 26 20:08:01 2009
Official cause of death: "The Boogie". The Sunshine, Moonlight and the Good Times were released after extensive questioning showed they could not be blamed.
The body bag had a lesser plastic content than its occupant.
... and you thought he smelled "Bad" before.
He's releasing two new posthumous albums: "Chiller" and "Gangrenous".
Q. What's a Jackson fo(u)r?
A. Nothing. That's just the number that remain!
He should have been the tinman in "The Wiz", at least that way he woulda got a new heart.
His heart just stopped - "It had obviously Got Enough".
At least he won't need makeup for the Thriller video remake.
Weird Al should do a tribute song, perhaps "Man doll in the wind".
I guess he decided it was time to just Beat It.... beat it, beat it, beat it....
Farrah Fawcett arrives in Heaven on the morning of June 25, 2009 and St. Peter asks if she had any last wish. She says she wants all children on Earth to be safe. So God snaps his fingers and Michael Jackson immediately has a cardiac arrest.
View J. Chandler's deposition http://thesmokinggun.com/archive/mjdec1.html at The Smoking Gun http://www.thesmokinggun.com
Michael Jackson settled the lawsuit for about $20 million, and no criminal charges were ever filed. Michael Jackson fan Heidi has comments at mjfanmail.html#heidi
Warning: The deposition contains some graphic accounts. Skip over it if you do not wish to read them.
DECLARATION OF J. CHANDLER
I, J. Chandler, declare:
1. I am the plaintiff in this lawsuit against Michael Jackson. I was born on January 11, 1980 and am 13 years old. I am currently in the eighth grade. I first met Michael Jackson when I was five years old at a restaurant that my mother, stepfather and I often went to.
2. In about May of 1992 I met Michael Jackson again at my stepfather's car rental business, Rent-a-Wreck. My stepfather called me and told me that Michael Jackson was at Rent-a-Wreck and that I should come down and see him. Later I learned from my stepfather that Michael Jackson's car had broken down and that he was at Rent-a-Wreck to get another car while his was being repaired.
3. After I met Michael Jackson at Rent-a-Wreck he began calling me on the telephone. From about May of 1992 until about February 1993 (when I first spent the weekend with Michael Jackson at Neverland), I received many telephone calls from Michael Jackson. For at least part of this time Michael Jackson was on tour and he would be calling me from various places throughout the world. On occasion these telephone conversations lasted as long as three hours. Michael Jackson and I talked about video games, the Neverland Ranch, water fights, and famous people that he knew.
4. In about February 1993, my mother, Lily (my half sister), and I went to Neverland at the invitation of Michael Jackson. The three of us stayed together in the guest area. I did not spend the nights with Michael Jackson. This was a weekend trip.
5. I spent the entire weekend with Michael Jackson. We went on jet skis in a small lake he had, saw the animals that he kept at Neverland, played video games and went on golf cart rides. One evening he took Lily and me to Toys 'R Us and we were allowed to get anything we wanted. Although the store was closed, it was opened just for our visit.
6. In late March 1993, my mother, Lily and I went to Las Vegas as a guest of Michael Jackson. We flew on a private airplane. We stayed at a large suite at the Mirage Hotel. My mother and Lily shared a bedroom. We stayed at the Mirage Hotel about a week. One night Michael Jackson and I watched the Exorcist in Michael Jackson's bedroom. When the movie was over, I was scared. Michael Jackson suggested that I spend the night with him, which I did. Although we slept in the same bed there was no physical contact.
7. From that time, whenever Michael Jackson and I were together, we slept in the same bed. We spent two or three additional nights in the same bed at Las Vegas. Again, there was no physical contact.
8. After I returned from the Las Vegas trip, my friendship with Michael Jackson became much closer. My mother Lily and I started making frequent trips to Neverland. At Neverland I would always sleep in bed with Michael Jackson. I also slept in bed with Michael Jackson at my house and at hotels in New York, Florida and Europe. We were together until our relationship ended in July 1993. During our relationship Michael Jackson had sexual contact with me on many occasions.
9. Physical contact between Michael Jackson and myself increased gradually. The first step was simply Michael Jackson hugging me. The next step was for him to give me a brief kiss on the cheek. He then started kissing me on the lips, first briefly and then for a longer period of time. He would kiss me while we were in bed together.
10. The next step was when Michael Jackson put his tongue in my mouth. I told him I did not like that. Michael Jackson started crying. He said there was nothing wrong with it. He said that just because most people believe something is wrong, doesn't make it so.
11. Michael Jackson told me that another of his young friends would kiss him with an open mouth. Michael Jackson said that I did not love him as much as this other friend.
12. The next step was when Michael Jackson rubbed up against me in bed. The next step was when we would lie on top of each other with erections.
13. During May of 1993, my mother, Lily and I went with Michael Jackson to Monaco in Europe. Michael Jackson and I both had colds so we stayed in the room all day while my mother and Lily were out. That's when the whole thing really got out of hand. We took a bath together. This was the first time that we had seen each other naked. Michael Jackson named certain of his children friends that masturbated in front of him.
14. Michael Jackson then masturbated in front of me. He told me that when I was ready, he would do it for me. While we were in bed, Michael Jackson put his hand underneath my underpants. He then masturbated me to a climax. After that Michael Jackson masturbated me many times both with his hand and with his mouth.
15. Michael Jackson had me suck one nipple and twist the other nipple while Michael Jackson masturbated. On one occasion when Michael Jackson and I were in bed together Michael Jackson grabbed my buttock and kissed me while he put his tongue in my ear. I told him I didn't like that. Michael Jackson started to cry.
16. Michael Jackson told me that I should not tell anyone what had happened. He said that this was a secret.
17. My relationship with Michael Jackson ended when my father obtained custody of me in July 1993 and I started living permanently at my father's house.
I declare under penalty of perjury that the foregoing is true and correct.
Executed on December 28, 1993, at Santa Monica, California.
Wikipedia overview of the Chandler case
Transcript of an interview of Chandler
Payment to Chandler in 1994
Was Michael Jackson framed? The Untold Story By Mary A. Fisher, GQ, October 1994
Review of the GQ article
Where is CourtTV http://courttv.com/ when you need it???
The People of The State of California v. Michael Joseph Jackson
According to http://www.bottledwaterweb.com/articles/avw-0003.htm Michael Jackson orders 32 cases of Evian bottled water at a time so that he can bathe in it.
For a 1996 performance in Taipei, Michael Jackson requested a hotel room remodeled to add a dance floor and a fully equipped private kitchen. The hotel also placed a large-screen TV and a VCR at the foot of his bed so that he could watch tapes of his own concerts, plus a selection of 500 movies (mainly Disney, animated and Charlie Chaplin films), or play his favorite Nintendo games. Michael Jackson's suite, decorated with his trademark black and red balloons, was stocked with his favorite snacks -- peanut butter sandwiches, chicken burgers, Twix bars, M&Ms and 200 cases of Evian mineral water, in which he reputedly bathes. http://www.asiaweek.com/asiaweek/96/1025/feat2.html
Q: What did Michael Jackson say to his credit card?
A: You are not alone, I am plastic too.
Michael Jackson's Special to Rerun on CBS (Jan 14, 2002) http://www.yomomma.com/2002_01_13_archive.html:
Oh, don't call it a come back, he's been here for months!
Strangely enough, since the special first aired in November, Michael's changed faces over 12 times.
Stay tuned next month, when CBS will air a special "One Month Anniversary of the Rerun of the 30 Year Anniversary Michael Jackson Special".
The highlight of the special is when Michael is reunited with his brothers, the Jackson Five: Tito Jackson, Jessie Jackson, Joshua Jackson, Hugh Jackman, and Jack Nicholson. What a strange family they have!
The highlight of this broadcast will be a never-before-shown performance of Britney Spears with Michael Jackson.
Britney Spears and Michael Jackson have known each other for a long time, since they both use the same plastic surgeon.
Apparently, Justin Timberlake is now really worried that Britney will move on to a new gay boyfriend.
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Taping of the Jackson Family Special from David Letterman, February 21, 1994
10. How did Tito get the night off from Domino's?
9. Once again, please welcome the Jackson family lawyers!
8. No kidding? He's my plastic surgeon too!
7. That's odd ... I don't remember a Jackson named 'Nipsey'.
6. More fudge, Miss Taylor?
5. Siegfried-Tito, Tito-Siegfried, Roy-Tito, Tito-Roy ...
4. Good News. Brooke has agreed to continue pretending she's dating Michael.
3. What's LaToya doing with that lead pipe?
2. It's great to see Michael grabbing himself again.
1. Sing something, you weirdo!
Top Ten Signs You're Tired of the Olympics from David Letterman, February 25, 1994
10. All that's left of your Olympic fever is a dry hacking cough.
9. You imagine your hands around the throat of that coke-drinking polar bear.
8. You say, "Oh good, 'Hangin with Mr. Cooper' is on tonight."
7. Whenever the Olympic theme music ends you find you've put another fork into the back of your hand.
6. You're NBC President Warren Littlefield.
5. You decide against naming your baby girl Picabo.
4. Your name is Bonnie Blair and you've started using your five gold medals as coasters.
3. Actually watched "The Jackson Family Honors".
2. You beg your son to let you return home to Indiana.
1. No longer laugh at the name Gillooly.
Top Ten Rejected Holiday Specials from David Letterman, December 10, 1996
10. Gallagher Smashes Melons in Bethlehem
9. A Creepy, Creepy Christmas with Michael Jackson
8. Fox TV's "When Reindeer Attack!"
7. A Country Holiday with Martha Stewart and a Bunch of Actors Pretending to Be Her Family
6. The Grinch Who Nailed Mrs. Claus
5. Christmas at Riker's Island: It's A Wonderful 10-Years-to-Life
4. Bob Dole Remembers the Very First Christmas
3. Skunk `n' Gator's Holiday Fiesta
2. The President Who Ate Christmas
1. Richard Simmons' Fruitcake Extravaganza
Top Ten Attractions At The New Michael Jackson Theme Park from David Letterman, July 14, 1998
9. Diseased Chimp Petting Zoo
8. Mr. Toad's Wild Hyperbaric Chamber
7. Country Bear Crotch-Grabbin' Jamboree
6. Michael's Haunted Pants
5. Guess Tito's Weight
4. Used Surgical Mask Trampoline
3. 20,000 Leagues Under The Scalpel
2. The Lipo-Coaster
1. Deposition Land
Top Ten Killer Bee Pet Peeves from David Letterman, September 14, 1994
10. Horizontal stripes make you look fat.
9. Can't sting Zsa Zsa through all that makeup.
8. Not one single killer bee in Congress.
7. Dershowitz always tacks $300 dinners onto defense tab.
6. When other bees make fun of the size of your stinger in the shower.
5. It's damn near impossible to get those little packages of airline peanuts open!
4. That Honey-nut Cheerios bee -- now there's a first class dweeb!
3. We're natural born killers, yet you don't see Oliver Stone bustin' his ass to make a film about us.
2. Plasticky aftertaste when you sting Michael Jackson.
1. What's the deal with Johnny Depp?
Top Ten Signs Connie Chung Has Gone Nuts from David Letterman, January 06, 1995
10. Signed off Evening News by french kissing Dan Rather
9. Shows up for interviews in Catwoman costume
8. Has accepted marriage proposal from Michael Jackson
7. Born to co-anchor tattoo
6. It was funny at first, but now I'm tired of her busting into my house
5. Closes every broadcast with a Helen Reddy song
4. Thinks CBS eye is watching her in dressing room
3. Yesterday at CBS commissary, knocked Mike Wallace senseless over the last burrito
2. Now trying to have a baby with Richard Simmons
1. While in bed with Maury, keeps yelling, "This just in!"
Top Ten Things Overheard at Graceland on Elvis' 60th Birthday from David Letterman, January 09, 1995
10. It's incredible -- he's actually gained weight since he died!
9. Did that recipe call for eight or nine cups of lard?
8. I'm sorry, Mr. Jackson, the monkey will have to wait outside the gate.
7. I hear Elvis' ghost just signed an endorsement deal with Zima.
6. Put that gun away -- this ain't the White House.
5. Amazing! His bedroom still smells like peanut butter!
4. My name is Mario Cuomo, and I'll be your Graceland tour guide.
3. It could've been worse. She could have married Tito.
2. If Elvis were alive, he'd be perfect for playing 'Would you like to eat that in here?'
1. I'm not an Elvis impersonator, dammit -- I'm Roseanne!
Top Ten MTV Video Music Award Categories Michael Jackson is Nominated In from David Letterman, July 26, 1995
10. Best editing of facial features
9. Outstanding performance in ongoing police investigation
8. Weirdest male artist
7. Weirdest female artist
6. Best performance in a black and white video by artist who isn't really either
5. New video by guy with a brother named Tito
4. Best singer who talks just like Mike Tyson
3. Least life-like nose
2. Best acting in a marriage
1. Best new face
Top Ten Ways the World Would Be Different If it Were Covered With Water from David Letterman, July 28, 1995
10. Packwood putting the moves on a Manatee
9. Top prize for "The Price is Right": Towels!
8. Kevin Costner makes hideously expensive movie about life on dry land
7. It would be "The Blowfish and Hootie," my friend
6. Cab drivers would be forced to bathe whether they want to or not
5. Lots of talk on court TV about O.J.'s "bloody flippers"
4. Michael Jackson would have plastic surgery to look more like a Sea Bass
3. It would be considered perfectly good manners to leak out the window
2. I'd host the show wearing nothing but a Speedo
1. All Mets games rained out
Top Ten Good Things About Global Warming from David Letterman, January 04, 1996
10. Domino's Pizza will not be almost room temperature when it arrives.
9. No more snow for Giants fans to throw.
8. Outside chance the cast of "Friends" will spontaneously combust.
7. Boardrooms across America will begin to look like those naked pictures in National Geographic.
6. Ed Sullivan Theater will heat up to a balmy 34 degrees.
5. Fat guys can make their own gravy.
4. Canada will be able to use a whopping 9% of its landmass.
3. Real bacon will be sold on the streets of New York City (cut to vendor).
2. Can get to see what Michael Jackson really looks like when his face melts.
1. Higher temperature = more golf courses = greater chance O.J. will catch real killers.
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Grammys from David Letterman, February 29, 1996
10. Coolio's gonna put an eye out with that hair!
9. Waiter, there's a nose ring in my soup
8. I can't wait to see who wins 'Best Paternity Settlement'
7. Courtney Love, please report to Lost and Found to pick up your stash
6. Thank God Letterman isn't hosting
5. Kiss is here? I thought all those guys were dead
4. Uh oh -- they've got Eddie Vedder seated next to the guy from Ticketmaster
3. Mr. Jackson, I believe your monkey is in my seat
2. I don't care if you are the president of the United States -- get the hell out of my dressing room
1. Coolio -- Julio, Julio -- Coolio
Top Ten Good Things About Having a Clone from David Letterman, February 26, 1997
10. Send your clone to work in the morning, then spend rest of day watching UP and eating fudge.
9. The two of you can star in an adorable ad campaign for Xerox.
8. At parties, you're no longer automatically the biggest loser in the room.
7. Most interstate highways now feature fast-moving clone lane.
6. You'll get to know Michael Jackson during meetings of the Genetic Oddities Club.
5. No longer have to choose between dating Siegfried and dating Roy.
4. At some point, you'll have entire week of "Jenny Jones" shows devoted to you.
3. Can take advantage of "Clones Eat Free" special at Ponderosa.
2. Your clone can do your jail time while you continue on as First Lady of the United States.
1. Three words: frequent flier miles
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Grammys from David Letterman, February 27, 1997
10. I don't know whether it was Milli or Vanilli, but one of them just parked my car!
9. No, Dr. Kevorkian, we don't need any help with the `Unplugged' segments.
8. I just found Robert Downey Jr. asleep on my dressing room floor.
7. A confused Indonesian guy just gave a million dollars to the band, Presidents of the United States of America.
6. It's only your acceptance speech, Mrs. Clinton. You don't need a lawyer.
5. That's funny -- Marilyn Manson looks completely normal standing next to Michael Jackson.
4. They just brought in Da Noise, but Da Funk is stuck in traffic on the West Side Highway.
3. Oh my God -- Hillary Clinton just left with Rob Zombie!
2. Ellen DeGeneres announced she's a lesbian -- and so did Richard Simmons!
1. Run for your lives! It's Tiny Tim!
Top Ten Rejected Ben and Jerry Flavors from David Letterman, February 24, 1997
10. Rocky Roadkill
9. Cholesterol Chunk
8. Fudge Wapner
7. It Came from Wolf Blitzer's Beard
6. Contraceptive Crunch
5. Last Will and Testa-Mint
4. Marv Sherbert
3. Richard Simmons' Fruit Swirl
2. Michael Jackson's White Chocolate
1. Cookies 'n' Crack
Top Ten Space Alien Pick-Up Lines from David Letterman, June 25, 1997
10. How about a close encounter of the pantsless kind?
9. Set phasers on love
8. Are you a carbon-based model?
7. I'd like to wrap my 36 arms around you
6. Are you up for some experimental probing?
5. Want me to introduce you to E.T.?
4. Care to join the Million-Mile High Club?
3. Mind if I burst out of your stomach?
2. Nice asteroid
1. Hi, I'm Michael Jackson
Top Ten Bill Gates Pick-Up Lines from David Letterman, September 29, 1997
10. Haven't I downloaded naked pictures of you before?
9. Just close your eyes and pretend you're using a mouse.
8. Care to run your fingers through my ridiculous five dollar haircut?
7. You haven't lived until you've watched 'Revenge of the Nerds' on laser disc.
6. Looking at you, I'm neither micro nor soft.
5. Do you come here often? I don't, because I'm busy making billions of dollars.
4. How would you like to be my human laptop?
3. So, who do I make the check out to?
2. I beat Michael Jackson for the title of world's richest virgin.
1. I control
Top Ten Guiness Records No One Wants To Break from David Letterman, April 09, 1999
10. Longest-Running Show on CBS
9. Least-Jiggy Human
8. Sweatiest Palm
7. Most Freakish Person Named "Michael Jackson"
6. Most Times in "Price Is Right" Audience Without Being Asked to "Come On Down"
5. Greatest Number of Obscene Phone Calls Received From Tom Bosley
4. Most Times Hit In Face By a Goose While Riding A Roller Coaster
3. First Person To Circle Earth in Wet Corduroy
2. Longest-Running Marriage to Dennis Rodman
1. Longest Fingernails (On Someone Who Doesn't Realize Their Fly Is Open)
Top Ten Effects of Y2K from David Letterman, December 31, 1999
10. Stuff's gonna 'splode.
9. The Big Dipper will fall out of the sky and kill a guy in Sweden.
8. Everyone's voice will suddenly sound exactly like mine.
7. Michael Jackson will finally look in the mirror and say, "My God, what the hell is wrong with me?"
6. There will be a new letter added to the English alphabet--"Ngeepee."
5. A computer glitch will force Bill Gates to pay off every American's credit card.
4. No more answering the phone by saying: "Yello!"
3. Every kid will lose interest in that Pokemon crap.
2. Ricky Martin will become even more "mantastic."
1. Despite assurances from high-ranking officials that it could not happen, refuting decades of conventional scientific wisdom, flying the in the face of smug predictions by so-called experts, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese will become even cheesier.
Top Ten Lisa Marie Presley/Nicolas Cage Explanations from David Letterman, November 29, 2002
10. After three months, people grow apart.
9. She wanted Italian for dinner. He wanted Chinese. So they decided to call it quits.
8. Their divorce was part of an obscure provision of the Homeland Security Bill.
7. They owed favors to a couple of divorce lawyers.
6. I don't know, we were dehydrated?
5. Nicolas gradually realized that he wasn't going to meet Elvis.
4. Another Saddam trick to deflect attention from his weapons program.
3. He's always busy making movies and she's always busy with... uh... whatever it is she does.
2. Lisa Marie intends to match Jennifer Lopez marriage-for-marriage.
1. Once a woman's been married to Michael Jackson, she has certain expectations.
Top Ten Answers To The Question, "How Cold Is It?" from David Letterman, January 21, 2003
10. It's so cold, Saddam Hussein has begun stockpiling weapons-grade tomato soup.
9. It's so cold, Jennifer Lopez has been downgraded from "hot" to "lukewarm".
8. It's so cold, I had to defrost my mail.
7. It's so cold, exotic dancers only removing the first few layers of clothing.
6. It's so cold, people are coming into the Ed Sullivan Theater to warm up.
5. It's so cold, Richard Simmons is wearing long pants.
4. It's so cold, Hans Blix is off to search for chemical weapons in Cancun.
3. It's so cold, people are flocking to "Live with Regis and Kelly!" for the artificial warmth.
2. It's so cold, not only is Ted Williams frozen, but so is Barry Bonds.
1. It's so cold, Michael Jackson is dangling himself in front of a fireplace.
Top Ten Signs You Chose A Bad Plastic Surgeon from David Letterman, July 21, 2006
10. You ask about his credentials, he shows you his fishing license
9. For an extra $89.95, he'll paint your car
8. He is a graduate of Johns Goodman University
7. You can now hear through your nose
6. Some doctors leave their watch inside a patient, he once left a clock/radio
5. You're mistaken for Kim Jong-Il more than you used to be
4. Your appointment is busted up by a "Dateline" news crew
3. During your exam, he gets naked and draws dotted lines all over himself
2. Twice a month, flies to Mexico for "parts"
1. Sitting in the waiting room: Kenny Rogers
An aspiring young pop singer is approached by his manager who can take this boy to a special 'Music Heaven' to make him a great success in music. They arrive in this 'Music heaven'.
Manager: Look kid, this is the place to be....look there's Jimmy Hendrix, there's Elvis Presley.
Singer: Oh yeah...and look, there's John Lennon...
Manager: That's right kid....this is the place to be.
Singer: Hold on...this can't be right...
Manager: What's that Kid...
Singer: Well look over there...on top of that lighted laser partition..... IT'S MICHAEL JACKSON!!!
Manager: (starts to giggle) Oh no kid....that's just God...he thinks he's Michael Jackson.
1: god is not black or white
2: god is not male or female
3: god is not straight or gay
Then: god must be Michael Jackson
Q: Did you know they're putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?
A: Fans get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.
Q: What kind of milk is Michael Jackson?
A: Half and half.
Did you hear that Michael Jackson bleached his skin again?
He's so white that if he bleaches his skin any more, he'll become invisible.
When he walks down the beach, you will see just his foot prints moonwalking in the sand and hear an occasional "Hee hee hee!"
Q: Why did Michael Jackson want to join the Branch Davidians?
A: So he could be black again.
Q: What do you get if you cross Michael Jackson with Arnold Schwarzenegger?
A: Michael Warzenegger (Michael Was-a-nigga) (No disrespect intended to Arnold Schwarzenegger or black people)
Michael Jackson as a Diva
Michael Jackson has just commissioned his plastic surgeon to do just one more operation.
His request to the surgeon was to do anything to keep people from staring at his nose.
The doctor surprised Michael and came up with a solution.
Upon the viewing after the bandages were removed, all agreed that the doctor was very creative and the operation was a huge success.
Nobody will look at his nose again.
Q: Who is the greatest man ever?
A: Michael Jackson, because he was born a poor black boy in Gary, Indiana, and grew up to become a rich white woman in Europe.
Only in America can a poor lil black kid turn into a rich white woman!
Michael Jackson went out on the front porch to get the newspaper so he could read the latest about himself. The door closed and locked behind him, so he had to use the doorbell. His mother opened the door and looked out. After an exchange of words, she called to her husband, "There's a white woman with a monkey on the front porch. Claims she's our son."
Q: How does Michael Jackson resemble the Cincinatti Reds?
A: They're both whiter than they should be.
Q: What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called?
A: The Hand that Robs the Cradle.
MJ has signed a contract with Disney for a new movie -- "Honey I enlarged the kid!"
Q: What's Michael's next movie?
A: Honey I Blew the Kid.
Q: What will they call the upcoming movie about Michael Jackson?
A: The African Queen.
Q: What's Michael's favorite group?
A: New Kids on the Cock.
Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night?
Michael's new group: The Jackson Five and Under!
What are Michael Jackson's favorite sayings?
* There's a sucker born every minute,
* Kids do the darndest things.
* Tricks are for kids.
Little known fact:
While in San Diego [ in July 1989 ], Dan Quayle called Michael Jackson and congratulated him on the 20th Anniversary of his moonwalk.
Bart Simpson quote:
"There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson."
The other night in Las Vegas Michael Jackson went to see Siegfried & Roy show.
Afterwards Siegfried & Roy said, "Well, that was the first show we weren't the weirdest people in the room".
Top Ten Michael Jackson Marriage Tips from David Letterman, June 14, 1995
10. Mickey Mouse ears make a great birth control device.
9. Be considerate -- try not to hog the monkey.
8. Keep the moonwalking crap to a minimum.
7. Apologize after saying something like "I wished I'd married the remains of the elephant man instead of you!"
6. Whenever wife complains about how freakin' weird you are, show her a picture of Prince
5. Make it clear that as far as she is concerned, your pants are neverland.
4. Pretend not to notice when she flirts with other androgynous freaks.
3. Maintain joint account with Revlon.
2. Keep having surgery until you and your wife are identical twins.
1. Two words: Beat it!
Q: Why are Mickey Mouse and Michael Jackson considered related?
A: They both own amusement parks, both wear gloves, both are black with white faces, and both have high-pitched voices.
What were Lisa-Marie's newlywed complaints about Michael Jackson?
* He leaves the lid off the mascara, causing it to dry out.
* That battleaxe Liz Taylor never calls before she comes over.
* She suspects he's using her to get to Elvis' bones.
* He touches her kids more than he touches her.
Q: Why are Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie are splitting up?
A: Michael misunderstood when they discussed having children.
Top Ten Signs There's Already Trouble in Michael Jackson's Marriage from David Letterman, November 19, 1996
10. Their plastic surgeons aren't speaking to each other.
9. She's constantly screaming, "You're no Tito!"
8. She's filed a restraining order to make him "cut out that Moonwalking crap".
7. Her parents just found out that Michael Jackson used to be black.
6. She's discovered that he's not exactly a "Thriller" in the sack.
5. They're always fighting over the mascara.
4. When he removed his surgical mask, she said, "Michael Jackson? I thought I was marrying Michael Jordan!"
3. They just can't agree on whether to raise their child as a freak or a weirdo.
2. Sign on her bedroom door says, "Neverland".
1. She's started dating O.J.
Top Ten Signs of Trouble in the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Presley Marriage from David Letterman, August 05, 1994
10. Michael going through noses faster than ever.
9. She's flirting with Tito.
8. If two completely normal people like Roseanne and Tom can't make it, then these kids don't have a chance.
7. Lately, Michael's been acting kind of weird.
6. Four words: Marriage tips from Liz.
5. Michael caught wearing another woman's make-up.
4. He put the Club on the bedroom door.
3. Michael spotted in Central Park with Soon-Yi.
2. She wants the toilet seat left down, and he... well, actually, no trouble there.
1. Now they're both touching themselves.
Top Ten Signs the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Marriage is in Trouble from David Letterman, November 14, 1994
10. Michael looking pale and weird lately.
9. Their Christmas card is a copy of their pre-nuptial agreement.
8. They no longer share the Maybelline.
7. Michael living in a Motel 6 outside of Rochester, N.Y.
6. Lisa Marie now dating Richard Simmons.
5. She likes Wendy's, he's an Arby's man.
4. Lisa Marie refused to take the four-year intensive NASA training program that would teach her to moonwalk.
3. She's making eyes at other androgynous freaks.
2. She's found out "Neverland" refers to their sex life.
1. He's grabbing himself again.
Top Ten Lisa Marie's Complaints about Michael Jackson from David Letterman, December 02, 1994
10. Always screaming at the TV during Packers games.
9. Keeps forgetting to put the cap back on the mascara.
8. That moonwalking crap gets old real fast.
7. It's always Liz Taylor this, Liz Taylor that...
6. I know I'm his wife--but the man wants sex morning, noon and night!
5. Jackson 5 closer to 4 and 5/8ths.
4. The high-pitched squealing every time he sees a toy he wants.
3. Chugs a couple of buds, falls asleep on the La-Z-Boy, and snores like a son-of-a-bitch.
2. His bedroom filled with the overwhelming stench of chimp!
1. He's a great big freak!
Could you imagine the problems if they had kids?
Marie is an agnostic.
Michael Jackson is a Jehovah's Witness.
Their kids would have been going around knocking on doors for no reason whatsoever.
Lisa Marie's Divorce Allegations Against Michael Jackson
1. Wouldn't drink beer, watch football and break wind with her during Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland.
2. Refused her pleas for separate make-up mirrors.
3. Unwilling to try new things in bed...like her for instance.
4. Elephant Man bones...fine. Oxygen chamber for eternal youth...well okay. But what's with the Groucho head on Jayne Mansfield's body thing?
5. In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma.
6. Had her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995) done over.
7. She was shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms were not actually part of any real military organization.
8. He started hanging out with Madonna's dancers to toughen up his image.
9. Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor's supporting you through some sordid allegation.
10. Stood in the way of her film career when he refused to bankroll her debut performance in 'Jailbait Rock', the story of her Mom and Dad's courtship.
11. The all-night Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his little friends left him too tired to do that 'hee-hee-hee' thing she fell in love with.
12. She felt pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of LaToya's Amway products for the sake of family peace.
13. Jermaine and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis didn't have kids THEY could marry.
14. Swears she thought she was marrying Michael Keaton.
15. She grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese's within a 50 mile radius only to find him slumped over a table in yet another chocolate milk and Pez stupor.
16. He told her to "just beat it" one too many times.
17. He's a plain spoken "Hoosier", and she had clearly gone "Hollywood".
18. She wanted someone more like her father, and though he was already a pathetic parody of his former self, he was just unwilling to gain weight.
19. He kept forgetting to put the top back on the mascara.
20. Irreconcilable similarities.
The Top 19 Michael Jackson Parenting Tips
19. Rather than spanking, threaten to have Tito baby sit.
18. When the child does something wrong, grab your crotch, thrust it forward, and scream, "BAD!"
17. Elephant Man bones make a nifty over-the-crib mobile.
16. You should always being willing to share your toys... and so should your child, for that matter.
15. Little friends are always welcome, once they've signed the standard release.
14. Keep baking soda handy to extinguish flaming hair.
13. There's nothing a spoonful of sugar, a big hug, and $15,000,000 can't fix.
12. Teach your child, "Beauty is only skin deep -- but hey, a few face peels never hurt anybody."
11. Wait until your child can effectively bob and weave before allowing him to spend the weekend with his grandpa.
10. At birthday parties, don't leave Elizabeth Taylor unattended at the punch bowl.
9. Snug-fitting diapers will keep you from becoming the "King of Poop".
8. That sheep in the petting zoo is only for Daddy.
7. Teach your child not to spank the monkey.
6. It's OK to love your child, just don't LOVE your child.
5. Frequent plastic surgery keeps your kids feeling and looking *fresh*!
4. Spankings are okay -- but stop if the little tyke's hand gets sore.
3. Let the child pick his nose -- from a catalog.
2. Remove glove *before* changing diaper.
And The Number 1 Michael Jackson Parenting Tip...
1. Don't let your child play with Madonna's child -- some people are just too WEIRD.
Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Celebrated His 36th Birthday from David Letterman, September 01, 1994
10. Plays pin-the-nose-on-the-donkey.
9. Enjoyed big steak dinner cooked by Lisa Marie, drank beer and watched wrestling till he fell asleep.
8. Received novelty drinking mug that says "World's Greatest Reclusive Freak."
7. A champagne celebration with his wife, the monkey and that super short guy.
6. Doing what he always does -- acting really weird.
5. Goes 0-4 against the Tidewater Mets (Sorry, that's how Michael Jordan celebrated his birthday).
4. Inhaled helium from party balloons to make his voice higher.
3. Found Tito stealing tomatoes from his vegetable garden; chased him around the house with a rake.
2. Turned Liz loose on the leftover birthday cake.
1. Two words: grabbing himself.
Top 71 Signs Your Days As A Child Television Star Are Over:
1. MICHAEL JACKSON stops calling you. - the gloved one
2. You have your own talk show. - Me
3. The only screen time you get is on a convenience store security camera. - Big Fitz
4. People stop calling your cocaine addiction "cute". - BRF
5. You play bingo and watch Matlock on a weekly basis. - oLd FoGiE
6. Nagging calls from "Where are they now?" reporters. - bri
7. You can't stay out of jail long enough to go to work. - Dana Plato
8. You make a guest appearance on TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes. - I'm Not Telling
9. When Teen Beat stops harassing you. - !@#$%^&*!!!!!!!
10. People keep calling you "Punky". - rod
11. When your hair style is older than the stylist. - hard core Republican
12. They figure out that you can't actually act. - Nimhu
13. You rob your first 7-11. - Pink Tacky Bird
14. You grow taller than 4-foot-6. - Emmanuel "Webster Long-Papadopolis" Lewis
15. You star in a Mc Donald's commercial. - Ronald Mc D.
16. Your dimples become pimples. - bri
17. When you're twin reaches puberty before you (full house). - tired of reruns
18. When Madonna gives you a call. - Sarah Griffin
19. You're considered "Home-Alone" only until your wife returns. - Synapsis
20. Your photo is at the post office...but not on a stamp. - todd bridges
21. Two Words: Hollywood Squares. - Taco Bob
22. Parkinson's makes it a bit hard to read the script. - Jen
23. One word...Puberty!!! - Growing Pains
24. You're a regular on Geraldo. - Danny Bonaduchi
25. When people talk about you in the past tense. - :-( nobody remembers me... (the kid from Home Alone)
26. Your best friend is MICHAEL JACKSON. - Macaulay Culkin
27. MICHAEL JACKSON is their agent. - Boot Daddy
28. You are spending all the money you made on cigarettes. - biach
29. I think that if your boss says "You're fired" for no reason it means something - uh... my name? uh... I forgot
30. You're offered a gig doing "Depends" commercials. - with Debbie Reynolds
31. They start looking for talents other than screaming. - Macaulay Culkin
32. You star in Richie Rich. - Bozo the Prez
33. Even your grandchildren don't go to your movies anymore. - kewl guy
34. Cher won't ask you out anymore. - J.D.
35. Sexy Grandma magazine offers you a pictorial layout. - Therion
36. When Dana Plato and Todd Bridges stops by for a visit. - Gary Coleman
37. You get arrested. - Dominican
38. You have more chins than Emmies. - Burt Ward
39. When producers will only hire you as the grandma of the leading boy. - 64 and going 10
40. He knocks over a liquor store when his tell all book is out. - M.J. FOX
41. The battle over the money with your parents begin. - dave
42. You're wearing diapers.......and you're over 7. - Rocky V
43. Lost too many days on set because of PMS - and placed second in Sharon Stone look-alike contest.
44. Your sister serves you a dead bird for supper. - Demonspawn
45. O boy. People are mean with the Michael Jackson jokes..............but they're so true! - ASSAULT - Go look at some
46. TV movies about your struggle to the top and eventual downfall begin. - mirjen
47. They look for a younger kid to play your part. - McCauly Coulkin
48. Your mom fired you! - Lil Pete
49. When you star as the grandpa in the show about your rise and fall in showbiz. - 64 and going 10
50. What do you mean over? I shave 4 times a day and I'm better than ever. - Robin Williams
51. Fiebre del Sabado. - Fey
52. Lassie won't come home. - DMC
53. You stop feeling like Shirly Tempel. - big D.
54. You have pimples all over your face and a huge gap between your teeth. - by ME
55. When you rob a Las Vegas video store for drug money. - Dana Plato
56. You check into a Betty Ford Clinic. - Hooked on cookies
57. You appear on a talk show with the cast of "What's Happening". - dave
58. Your prostate is now larger than your bicycle. - Joe Peshi
59. The rest of the crew tries to beam you out into space; when that doesn't work, they try and shove you out an airlock... - Wesley Crusher
60. Because ... - Sam
61. Your agent suggests you start wearing dresses with lower neck-lines and higher hem-lines. - D. Barrymore
62. When you start smoking crack. - Todd Bridges
63. The Lolita-Fan-Club loses interest. - in what?
64. That darn puberty thing... - Believe me, it happens!
65. When you get a job as a Nickolodian. - gareth matthews
66. You get pregnant. - fredrica
67. U become an entertainment stuff journalist. - Lubetski
68. You enter charity boxing matches with other child TV stars. - The Partridge Family
69. They do an episode about your first period. - It's not that cute.
70. Quincy Jones sues you for divorce. - Mod Squad
71. Someone comes out with a biography of your life. - Timmy
OJ's Voice Mail
"Hello, this is the Law Office of Robert Shapiro. If you have information regarding the OJ Simpson trial, please press one. If you..."
"If you saw a one-armed man running from the scene, please press one.
If you don't know who OJ is, and would like to serve on the jury, please press two.
If you've ever scored with Nicole, by yourself or with others, please press three.
If you're Michael Jackson and you would like to take care of the kids, please press four.
If you have pictures of any LA cop at a KKK cross burning, please press five.
If you have pictures of that bitch prosecutor with a German shepherd, please press six.
If you saw a spacecraft hovering over the scene of the crime, please press seven.
If you think it couldn't be OJ because the Buffalo Bills always choke, please press eight.
If you...." <click>
Aviophobic Celebrities: http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/enter...sp?cid=phobias
Singer Aretha Franklin has an extreme fear of flying. She won't travel on airplanes, even for concerts clear across the country.
Actor and screenwriter Billy Bob Thorton has canceled television appearances that required him to get on a plane.
Muhammad Ali, former champion boxer.
Bob Bechel, political analyst.
Ray Bradbury, science fiction writer.
Florence Henderson, actress.
Glenda Jackson, actress and member of British Parliament.
Michael Jackson, singer.
John Madden, sportscaster.
Bob Newhart, comedian/actor.
Ronald Reagan, former U.S. President and actor.
Other celebrities with known phobias:
Actress Natalie Wood was hydrophobic - her accidental death by drowning in the ocean in 1981 was very strange and unsettling for those who knew her well.
Tennis champ André Agassi has a phobia of spiders, according to Brooke Shields in a statement to the press in October 1996.
Supernatural novelist Anne Rice has stated that she fears the dark.
Actress Kim Basinger has a phobia of wide, open spaces.
Film director Alfred Hitchcock had a peculiar fear of eggs, according to biographer Donald Spoto.
Country star Lyle Lovett reportedly is afraid of cows.
Pop singer Michael Jackson appears to have a phobia of germs (referring to his obsessive wearing of a surgical-style mask when out in public).
What do we have here?
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--- Michael Jackson and Woody Allen out on a double date!
Lisa Marie Presley's Official Websites http://lisamariepresley.com/
On the website for Lisa's book I, Lisa Marie http://www.i-lisa-marie.com/ she has a March 2003 statement:
Lisa Marie Presley is not married to Nicolas Cage, she has never been a Scientologist, she has never taken drugs and has never met with Michael Jackson as an adult.
View the History of Michael Jackson's Face http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Jackson.html
Slide show of Michael Jackson's face http://www.doneanddusted.co.uk/nick/Movie2.html
Make your own version of Michael Jackson's face http://www.alexanderband.dk/dragson/
Michael Jackson's Face During Tour Announcement (March 09) http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/0..._n_172242.html
Michael Jackson Age Progression http://www.forartist.com/forensic/mo...mj/jackson.htm
Michael Jackson is not the only celebrity with bad plastic surgery http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/
Michael Jackson defends himself at his Official Press Room http://mjnews.us/
Michael Jackson Unofficial Press Room http://www.mjnews.info/
July 1 is International Moonwalk Day http://www.moonwalkday.com/
Santa Barbara Sheriff parody site http://www.santabarbarasheriff.com/
Save Michael http://www.save-michael.com/
Michael Jackson World Network fan page http://www.mjworld.net/
Micheal Jackson news source http://mjjsource.com/
Fox News Story, Jacko May Claim 'Threats' by Mottola, July 12, 2002 http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,57512,00.html
Michael Jackson Gets an Oscar http://www.thirdage.com/news/archive...5-01.html?hnav
Michael Jackson: Back In The Saddle Again http://www.brachman.com/jb_michaeljackson1.htm
Michael Jackson Screen Savers http://www.artistdesktopthemes.com/s...kson.dt.1.html and http://cinemadesktopthemes.com/st/j/...kson.dt.1.html
Michael Jackson Posters http://www.altocelebs.net/j/michael-jackson/
Michael Jackson Information Page http://www.celebritystorm.com/mceleb...ichaelJackson/
Michael Jackson Lyrics http://browse.lyrics.astraweb.com:28...eljackson.html
Michael Jackson Lyrics http://www.azlyrics.com/j/jackson.html
Michael Jackson King Of Pop http://www.angelfire.com/pop/cdoss/michaeljackson.html
All Michael Jackson http://www.allmichaeljackson.com/
The Jackson Twins: What Next for Michael & Janet? http://www.brightlightsfilm.com/25/jackson2.html
Michael Jackson Baby Drop (requires Flash) http://www.canal96.com/michael/
Michael Jackson Baby Drop by MadBlast.com http://www.madblast.com/view.cfm?typ...h&display=1804 and http://www.madblast.com/funflash/swf...y_madblast.swf and http://www.kicken.com/funnyfiles/WackoJacko.swf
Michael Jackson Bouncing Baby Balcony Bungee http://www.electric-chicken.co.uk/jacko.html
Michael Jackson calls Dr. Phil http://madblast.com/view.cfm?type=FunFlash&display=3101
Michael Jackson prank calls http://www.ebaumsworld.com/michaeljackson-sb.html
Michael Jackson's Lost Interview (requires Flash) http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/af/co...lost_interview
Michael Jackson Jokes at The Joke File (check out the photos) http://www.jokefile.co.uk/rich/michaeljackson.html
Michael Jackson Jokes Directory at Gusworld http://www.gusworld.com.au/music/mjjokes.htm
What you need to nose about Michael Jackson http://humor.about.com/cs/michaeljackson/
Michael Jackson Injured in Game of "Got Your Nose" http://www.brokennewz.com/entertainment/jacksonnose.asp
Where is Michael Jackson's nose? http://www.modestypanel.com/mjackson/
Michael Jackson vs. The Artist Formerly Known As Prince http://www.grudge-match.com/History/...-jackson.shtml
What Really Happened to Elian Gonzalez in the Closet? http://www.hypercenter.com/jokes/elian/elian05.htm
Wacko Jacko -- Guess who's black? http://www.holylemon.com/jacko
Take the "What Michael Jackson Are You" quiz http://www.liquidgeneration.com/quiz/jackson_quiz.asp
Michael Jackson Interview http://www.flashplayer.com/animation...interview.html
Michael Jackson "I'll Beat It" Flash http://www.funnyflash.com/details.php?id=161 and http://www.funnyflash.com/films/A98/...p?t=1118670945
Michael Jackson "I Never Copped a Feel" Flash http://www.funnyflash.com/details.php?id=139 and http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/mic...ed-a-feel.html
The Simpsons Beat It YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.
Homer Simpson vs Michael Jackson http://youtube.com/watch?v=8Pf9gmysrk8
Michael Jackson and Bart Simpson - Happy Birthday Lisa YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.
Michael Jackson vs. Gohan http://youtube.com/watch?v=_Uilu8Lct1Q
Michael Jackson Does the Bartman with Bart Simpson http://youtube.com/watch?v=YF72FyosSOo
Pop Waffle Vol 10: A Halloween Special http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ywhva17TyFQ
Michael Jackson top secret audio files http://www.liquidgeneration.com/sabo...kson_audio.swf
Dec 2003 "60 Minutes" interview transcript http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/...in590381.shtml
Follow Michael Jackson's case on Court TV http://www.courttv.com/news/jackson/index.html
Michael Jackson Celebrity Center at Fox News http://www.foxnews.com/foxlife/celeb...son/index.html
TRUtalk goes behind the scenes at the Michael Jackson trial http://www.trutalk.us/
Freak: Inside the Twisted World of Michael Jackson http://books.compricer.com/1885840055
"I Never Copped a Feel" song parody http://www.ebaumsworld.com/nevercoppedafeel.html
Piss Off Michael Jackson http://www.magicalcloud.com/humor/pissmjoff.htm
Rape Me My Friend http://www.magicalcloud.com/humor/rapeme.htm
Damon Scott & Bubbles http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=3076
Mini Michael Jackson http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=2813179
Late night talk show liners archive http://www.newsmax.com/listliners.shtml
Search google for more Michael Jackson Jokes http://www.google.com/search?q=Michael+Jackson+Jokes
If the American people ever allow a central bank to control of the issuance of their currency, the banks and the corporations that will grow up around them will, first by inflation and then by deflation, deprive the people of their property until their children wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered. –Thomas Jefferson
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