phiten! | July 30, 2010 at 1:07 am | Reply
I bought a bracelet for my neck pain. It wouldn’t fit around my neck, so I put it on my ankle. WOW!! In just 3 seconds, all my pain went away. And my son, who was in the next room, also miraculously sprung up from his wheelchair and started walking! And I didn’t even put it on him, I put it on my ankle! So I thought, “Wow, this is terrific! What else can it do?”
So I went outside. I saw a dead bird on our lawn (the neighbor’s cat likes to leave them there). I felt sorry for the bird, so I put the bracelet on it. Can you believe it? The bird sprang to life and started singing! The little bird then landed on my shoulder and whispered in my ear, “Thank you kind sir,” and stuffed the bracelet in my ear. And guess what! I could hear! I had been deaf in my right ear for the past 12 years, and my hearing returned! All because the bird stuffed a phiten bracelet in my ear!
Then I went into the garage. My car had been acting up for the past week. The mechanic said it looks like my alternator is going bad and isn’t charging the battery. But what does he know? He’s just a mechanic! Pfft!! So I dangled the phiten bracelet on the mirror. Guess what! The car fired up on its own and drove around the block 4 times! All by itself!! It also obeyed all the traffic laws! Wow!! All it needed was a phiten bracelet!
So then I had a brilliant idea. I opened up my checkbook. It said “BALANCE: -$39.40″ on the entry page. I put the bracelet in the checkbook. I closed it tightly in my hands, and then opened it up after a few seconds and it said “BALANCE: $9,501,388.29″!!! Wow! That was only after a few seconds! I had been poor all my life, and phiten made me a millionaire in a few seconds! I said to myself, “Maybe I should leave it in my checkbook overnight, then I’ll be like Bill freakin’ Gates in the morning!!”
Unfortunately, just at that moment, my precious phiten bracelet and checkbook slipped out of my hands and fell into the vat of snake oil I keep near the desk. They spontaneously burst into flames. Luckily I had a ShamWOW handy, so I quickly covered the flames and they went out. Darn, there go my millions. But hey, at least I have no more neck pain, my son can walk, there’s a singing bird in my back yard, my deafness is gone, and my car works. THANK YOU PHITEN!!!
BTW, if you believe any of this, I have some magic weight-loss beanbags for sale. They melt the pounds away! Just rub them on your scalp before you sleep. You also have to eat healthy, do 30 minutes of cardio every day, skip the sugary soft drinks, and always get 8 hours of sleep, and these magic beanbags will do the trick!
http://badwax.net/2008/10/14/phiten-...laces-a-farce/