White House becomes homeless shelter.

[psychologicalshock]

Quar Raits #33
DECEMBER 3rd 2008
White House becomes homeless shelter

Before we get into the meat of the article we would like to discuss the history behind the elections. On October 15th 2008 a group of homeless folks moved into the White house using the back doggy door made for Bush's dog "Barney". The confused and drugged crowd of heroine addicts included a homosexual Negro by the name of Osama Hussein who later changed his name to something more politically correct: "Barrack Hussein Obama". "He was the most vocal and hard to catch of all the homeless dudes... I personally believe he did more LSD than an elephant could handle" comments a White House security official , speaking anonymously due to his restriction from speaking to the media. Since it was apparently impossible to deport or kill Osama he was allowed to stay within the White house where he soon claimed a room and moved his family in.

During this time two Jewish individuals by the name of "Rahm Emanuel" and "David Axelrod" saw a great presidential candidate in Osama. In him they saw a half-black who could barely speak, who wasn't from America and who pretended to be White. "It was like WHAM! It all came together right then and there." comments a Bush administration official. "By election time Bush had become too difficult to control, he had learned how to solve differential equations and integrals, he had put into his head a good bit of thermodynamics as well as quantum physics and he had read all the European Classics on philosophy, history and literature. He was clearly too intelligent for America and thus some change had to occur, at least they hoped so." he then took a sip out of his coca-cola can "In fact change and hope were Osama's campaign slogans."

Momentum began to build up, Osama was seen as a serious competitor with John Mccain due to his inhabiting the White House giving him thus much more credibility.
"People figured that if they voted for Hussein then the moving costs to the White house would be smaller. Mccain had a lot of trash to move and tax payers just didn't think it was plausible to pay for that." says a think-tank representative. "I figured that since Osama was already there we might as well just let him stay there" says an anonymous citizen. Another factor in the election was that Mccain was seen as "old, infirm, dumber than a bag of bricks and an all around piece of shit" while no one really knew what Osama was about. "It was just a breathe of fresh air to see a happy negro on TV, the last time I saw that was back during the civil rights movement." says old man Perkins.

"One of the largest challenges we faced" ,says Axelrod, "was getting him into a suit. Often times we had to tazer him and then restrain him for it to work. At times we were at the verge of giving up on him, but he tried, I really think he did." Emanuel nodded a bit "We were really wary of actually taking the suit off because we were trying to save money on batteries for the tazer. During the final week of the campaign trail we would simply throw Osama into a man-sized laundry machine."

Finally, election day came; however, many challenges faced the nation. A poll official comments: "The attendance was really low and it was really due to two major factors: First of all, on November 4th there was a large sale at Wal-mart. Many items were 10% off whereas I-pods were selling at 25% off. People have priorities and getting a brand new electronic toy is much more important than choosing between two candidates whose only difference is skin color. The Second factor was what we call the 'syndrome of the large city' , many people's lives have become a meaningless gray existence with nothing joyous or good to differentiate one day from the next. 99.99% of Americans have this and thus simply didn't care what day it was and thus weren't made aware of the election." Quar Raits found that there was another, not so well known factor: "There were many formal difficulties with the polls themselves. First of all, people were required to dress decently to these polls. Second of all, the signs pointing to the polls were purely textual, given America's dyslexia rate this caused a lot of people to miss the polls and get lost. In the past we usually put signs with pictures on them: Beer, Mc.Donalds, porn magazines.. it got people's attention." says another poll taker.

Overall on average a whole 2 people per state voted. Upon being asked as to how they chose their candidate of choice 99% of them answered that they used the "eni-meeni-mini-mo" technique to give both a fair chance at winning their heart, and their vote. "One of the big problems I had was understanding as to how to fill in the little circle. At first I tried a X and they told me to go and redo it, then I tried a check mark and they told me to redo it again. Finally, in my defeatist rage I scribbled and filled in the circle completely and threw it at the poll taker, to my surprise I was told that I successfully cast my vote. I was so proud, I had my wife take a picture of me with my ballot, we put it on the fridge too!" says Billy Joe. Statisticians asked each poll taker for the specific "eni-meeni-mini mo" technique, how many words they used, what words they used and what candidate they started from. The said Statisticians are now rechecking the ballots to make sure that the votes were valid and according to the techniques stated.

The Electoral College; however, argued that the "eni-meeni-mini mo" technique was too outdated. Instead, they used the coin toss where George Washington was John Mccain (Since John Mccain is White like Washington) and Osama was the Eagle (Since it represents what USA is about: Foreigners with no practical skills or ability to use the English language). The vote ended rather early in the day with Osama quickly getting to the 270 Eagles that he needed. "We were pretty sure that the quarter they were using was specifically minted to land on Washington's face but to be fair we cheated much worse during the last election" says a Republican representative. Osama also won the popular vote by 1.5 people with the .5 being an individual named "Jett Rink" having voted for both Osama and himself.

There was a great celebration across the country, mostly on TV, with the ghost of Martin Luther happily jiving. Americans walked around their cubicles with blank, confused expressions on their faces but couldn't be asked to comment. People who still were conscious drove to gun shops and filled their pickup trucks with guns and ammunitions and then fled to the woods never to return. The Jewish Community happily celebrated lifting Osama on a chair and spinning him around while he shrieked and clapped still not being quite aware as to what an important position he had just been given.

On the next day George Bush warily watched as the front lawn on which he liked to throw horse shoes on was trashed with KFC buckets and glass bottles. Bush knew that it was time to move on and go back to Texas to try to find a more important job for himself. It wasn't until valuable tomes in his library began to be used as joints did he realize that he must go pronto , as in on that day. Bush had 3 trucks come and deport all his valuable books as well as his various items that he had collected during his years of travel. Osama quickly had the White house painted black while Axelrod hired a group of highly skilled Safari experts to stand around the White house and dart Osama should he attempt to escape. Now that he was president it wasn't allowable for him to leave.

We at Quar Raits would like to congratulate the new president elect for his clearly fair and righteous democratic victory. Perhaps in the future we will be able to solve more international problems since we now have a president who is of international origin and also imagines USA expanding to 58 states. Perhaps there will be hope, perhaps there will be change, just please, don't kill us.

[Fahrenheit451]

I give you one Publix point for excellent customer service mister Wanzo McCallister Mann!

[Elizabeth Fragale]

Very good article.

Originally Posted by psychologicalshock

Quar Raits #33
DECEMBER 3rd 2008
White House becomes homeless shelter

Before we get into the meat of the article we would like to discuss the history behind the elections. On October 15th 2008 a group of homeless folks moved into the White house using the back doggy door made for Bush's dog "Barney". The confused and drugged crowd of heroine addicts included a homosexual Negro by the name of Osama Hussein who later changed his name to something more politically correct: "Barrack Hussein Obama". "He was the most vocal and hard to catch of all the homeless dudes... I personally believe he did more LSD than an elephant could handle" comments a White House security official , speaking anonymously due to his restriction from speaking to the media. Since it was apparently impossible to deport or kill Osama he was allowed to stay within the White house where he soon claimed a room and moved his family in.

During this time two Jewish individuals by the name of "Rahm Emanuel" and "David Axelrod" saw a great presidential candidate in Osama. In him they saw a half-black who could barely speak, who wasn't from America and who pretended to be White. "It was like WHAM! It all came together right then and there." comments a Bush administration official. "By election time Bush had become too difficult to control, he had learned how to solve differential equations and integrals, he had put into his head a good bit of thermodynamics as well as quantum physics and he had read all the European Classics on philosophy, history and literature. He was clearly too intelligent for America and thus some change had to occur, at least they hoped so." he then took a sip out of his coca-cola can "In fact change and hope were Osama's campaign slogans."

Momentum began to build up, Osama was seen as a serious competitor with John Mccain due to his inhabiting the White House giving him thus much more credibility.
"People figured that if they voted for Hussein then the moving costs to the White house would be smaller. Mccain had a lot of trash to move and tax payers just didn't think it was plausible to pay for that." says a think-tank representative. "I figured that since Osama was already there we might as well just let him stay there" says an anonymous citizen. Another factor in the election was that Mccain was seen as "old, infirm, dumber than a bag of bricks and an all around piece of shit" while no one really knew what Osama was about. "It was just a breathe of fresh air to see a happy negro on TV, the last time I saw that was back during the civil rights movement." says old man Perkins.

"One of the largest challenges we faced" ,says Axelrod, "was getting him into a suit. Often times we had to tazer him and then restrain him for it to work. At times we were at the verge of giving up on him, but he tried, I really think he did." Emanuel nodded a bit "We were really wary of actually taking the suit off because we were trying to save money on batteries for the tazer. During the final week of the campaign trail we would simply throw Osama into a man-sized laundry machine."

Finally, election day came; however, many challenges faced the nation. A poll official comments: "The attendance was really low and it was really due to two major factors: First of all, on November 4th there was a large sale at Wal-mart. Many items were 10% off whereas I-pods were selling at 25% off. People have priorities and getting a brand new electronic toy is much more important than choosing between two candidates whose only difference is skin color. The Second factor was what we call the 'syndrome of the large city' , many people's lives have become a meaningless gray existence with nothing joyous or good to differentiate one day from the next. 99.99% of Americans have this and thus simply didn't care what day it was and thus weren't made aware of the election." Quar Raits found that there was another, not so well known factor: "There were many formal difficulties with the polls themselves. First of all, people were required to dress decently to these polls. Second of all, the signs pointing to the polls were purely textual, given America's dyslexia rate this caused a lot of people to miss the polls and get lost. In the past we usually put signs with pictures on them: Beer, Mc.Donalds, porn magazines.. it got people's attention." says another poll taker.

Overall on average a whole 2 people per state voted. Upon being asked as to how they chose their candidate of choice 99% of them answered that they used the "eni-meeni-mini-mo" technique to give both a fair chance at winning their heart, and their vote. "One of the big problems I had was understanding as to how to fill in the little circle. At first I tried a X and they told me to go and redo it, then I tried a check mark and they told me to redo it again. Finally, in my defeatist rage I scribbled and filled in the circle completely and threw it at the poll taker, to my surprise I was told that I successfully cast my vote. I was so proud, I had my wife take a picture of me with my ballot, we put it on the fridge too!" says Billy Joe. Statisticians asked each poll taker for the specific "eni-meeni-mini mo" technique, how many words they used, what words they used and what candidate they started from. The said Statisticians are now rechecking the ballots to make sure that the votes were valid and according to the techniques stated.

The Electoral College; however, argued that the "eni-meeni-mini mo" technique was too outdated. Instead, they used the coin toss where George Washington was John Mccain (Since John Mccain is White like Washington) and Osama was the Eagle (Since it represents what USA is about: Foreigners with no practical skills or ability to use the English language). The vote ended rather early in the day with Osama quickly getting to the 270 Eagles that he needed. "We were pretty sure that the quarter they were using was specifically minted to land on Washington's face but to be fair we cheated much worse during the last election" says a Republican representative. Osama also won the popular vote by 1.5 people with the .5 being an individual named "Jett Rink" having voted for both Osama and himself.

There was a great celebration across the country, mostly on TV, with the ghost of Martin Luther happily jiving. Americans walked around their cubicles with blank, confused expressions on their faces but couldn't be asked to comment. People who still were conscious drove to gun shops and filled their pickup trucks with guns and ammunitions and then fled to the woods never to return. The Jewish Community happily celebrated lifting Osama on a chair and spinning him around while he shrieked and clapped still not being quite aware as to what an important position he had just been given.

On the next day George Bush warily watched as the front lawn on which he liked to throw horse shoes on was trashed with KFC buckets and glass bottles. Bush knew that it was time to move on and go back to Texas to try to find a more important job for himself. It wasn't until valuable tomes in his library began to be used as joints did he realize that he must go pronto , as in on that day. Bush had 3 trucks come and deport all his valuable books as well as his various items that he had collected during his years of travel. Osama quickly had the White house painted black while Axelrod hired a group of highly skilled Safari experts to stand around the White house and dart Osama should he attempt to escape. Now that he was president it wasn't allowable for him to leave.

We at Quar Raits would like to congratulate the new president elect for his clearly fair and righteous democratic victory. Perhaps in the future we will be able to solve more international problems since we now have a president who is of international origin and also imagines USA expanding to 58 states. Perhaps there will be hope, perhaps there will be change, just please, don't kill us.