Originally Posted by Longbaugh
Jeffrey, let me tell you a thing or two about restaurant dining:
I have been up here in New Hampshire for going on five years--like a fucking retard, came up from Floriduh--and, let me assure you, you don't know what bad food is until you've lived up here. These stuffy motherfuckers absolutely do not know how food is supposed to taste. I WISH I was back down there just for the damn food!
I swear to motherfucking god, if one more person serves me some shit seasoned with Old Bay while wearing a smile on his face, I goddamn swear I'm going to draw my .45 while I'm still seated, and empty a motherfucking magazine into his motherfucking pelvis from under the motherfucking table.
That's how motherfucking bad the motherfucking food is in motherfucking New Hampshire: I'm completely willing, at this point, to invite the death penalty by Han Soloing some croaky voiced, New England Greedo over the shit they try to pass off as food up here.
Count your lucky stars that you've got Sonny's franchises all over your state.
All the inbreeding of English peasants up here has rendered these people's tastebuds useless.
What I would give for a Der Dutchman buffet right about now...
Shit, even a place that knows how to fry up a decent catfish would be an improvement.
Or some chinks that know how to cook their own, motherfucking chink food. The motherfucking chinks up here can't even cook the motherfucking chink food they grew up eating so that it has any motherfucking flavour.
There's one, decent Mexican restaurant within about a hundred mile radius. One...
I've got to drive nearly two goddamn hours to get a motherfucking Chick-fil-A.
All the motherfucking greenhouse farms they've got up here--and these shits brag about it all the goddamn time, too--and I still can't get a goddamn tomato with any goddamn flavour unless it's shipped in from the South or Meh-hee-co.
I feel yo pain, I wanted an avacado the other day and it is one hour and a half one has to drive to get one.
And I wanted to make spinach and gouda/queso blanco enchiladas and the store in Mohall has no spinach, must go to 'the big town'.
Most of the farms here are focused on their cash crop, and then we have a lack of Farmer's Markets. Sad. You would think there'd be more fruit orchards in people's yards--there are some but not like one would expect.
We have a place that I can make jokes about non-stop called 'Taco Johns', I don't know how many states they're in but they are gawddamned awful.
Let's just say, 'potatoes and tacos' and leave it at that.
I thought they'd have great German or Norwegian food and one diner is good, the rest are not. Best thing here is a Japanese Steak House.
Originally Posted by Longbaugh
And let me tell you about the goddamned watermelons: They're eight goddamn bucks at the expensive as shit, motherfucking, grocery store and, I shit you not, the big ones are the size of a goddamn volleyball. What the fuck am I supposed to do with a goddamn watermelon the goddamn size of a goddamn volleyball? Decorate one, single, tropical, fucking drink? And these idiots really think they've got something, come summertime. Sheesh! On top of it all, they've got no goddamn flavour. No goddamn flavour at all.
I tell these stuffed suits all the time that, down in Florida where we know what produce is supposed to taste like, the watermelons are the size of fire hydrants, and they're three bucks a pop, out of the trunk of some Mexican's car in just about every goddam K-mart parking lot in the state, or every five to 10 miles or so along the goddamn highway.
You may think you've got it bad, but you don't know, man... You don't know how good you've got it... You just don't.
I am not well liked up here.
I think it has to do with how frequently I say, "nigger" and "faggot".
Goddman, this state is absolutely chocked full of faggots who love niggers.
I need a coconut.
They try to gouge you here at the smaller store because they know you don't want to drive on ice to go to the 'big' stores.
So a bottle of soap to rub on your dirty self is like 8 dollars, haha.
I do one month shopping in 'the big town' for all that kind of stuff, and only hit the smaller store for in-between things we run out of, like milk or bread or cookie dough.
I will say, some of the worst cities do have good food.
Dallas and Ft. Worth have some of the most excellent restaurants, better than Austin even though they tout Austin as the 'foodie' city. Not so.
Crawfish Ettouffee, I don't know what they thought that garbage was in Austin they were calling Ettouffee, but a tiny little hole-in-the-wall in North Richland Hills (Ft. Worth) called Ernie's had the best I've ever had anywhere.
A place called Monterrey House in Dallas is still remembered, as is Four Brother's Pizza. Nothing comparable anywhere. It was real food made by humans, back when word of mouth was still a thing.