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Old March 14th, 2011 #61
MikeTodd
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Quote:
Banjo billy calling me a "wild narcoleptic idiot".
That one jumped off the page at me too, Fred.
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Old March 15th, 2011 #62
Soldatul Vostru
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fred Streed View Post
Banjo billy calling me a "wild narcoleptic idiot". The more I thought about it the funnier it became. My wife finally wanted to know what was so funny. I told her I'd just been called a wild narcoleptic idiot. The Magyar thought about it for a bit and commented that wild and narcoleptic didn't really go together. I made a mental note of the fact she didn't deny the idiot part.
Heh, she didn't deny the idiot part.

Anyway, typically "wild" and "narcoleptic" don't go together anymore than "living" and "dead" do, but I believe ol' Banjo meant "narcoleptic" in a symbolic sense, not literal. In other words, you're not "awakened to the truth", but you really are a "wild" bastard.
 
Old March 15th, 2011 #63
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Soldatul Vostru View Post
... but you really are a "wild" bastard.
So the general consensus seems to be that while I'm a wild idiot bastard I'm not necessarily narcoleptic? That is a big relief. I was starting to worry that maybe I was exhibiting symptoms of narcolepsy and didn't know it, maybe doing shit like nodding off in the middle of a post, in the middle of a post....zzzzz.
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I even agree with some of your points, Fred. God did regret making mankind (Genesis 6). You just kicked both God's and my ass. Congratulations.
 
Old March 17th, 2011 #64
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Welfare Check

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He
marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and body guard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be
provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will
also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as
the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
 
Old March 29th, 2011 #65
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Old April 2nd, 2011 #66
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This old tool has been re-introduced in America. It is a signature part of the new healthcare program.


 
Old April 7th, 2011 #67
Leonard Rouse
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Smokey,

These last are not special* jokes, as defined in the OP.
 
Old April 7th, 2011 #68
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...'So the sheepdog turned to the cop and said, 'Seriously, officer, if I'd known he was a Jew, I would have made him find his own fire hydrant!"
 
Old April 14th, 2011 #69
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Then another {boyfriend} I was seeing came over, and although he didn't say anything, I could tell he was not comfortable. That didn't work out either.

He told me he couldn't love me because I have a bad knee. I was rather shocked and asked him if he was looking for a woman or buying a horse. I offered to open my mouth so he could check my teeth too.
 
Old April 14th, 2011 #70
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I work really hard to try and keep this place semi-tolerable by doing all the
cleaning, but it's really hard with my mother who is constantly making messes
and piling up stuff right after I clean it up. Now I have completely put dating
on hold because I don't want any potential boyfriends to meet my mother. She is very weird.

When I was dating the man I would later marry, she did strange things to him. Like if I got up to leave the room for a minute, she would just turn and give him an icy glare while not saying anything. We were watching TV one night and my ex-husband said in a puzzled voice, "Why is your mother crouched in the dark upstairs peering down at us?" I didn't know why and was so embarrassed. Then she would harass me about the relationship. "Why did you talk to him on the phone for so long? Don't you think that's weird?" And she'd say things like, "Every minute my back is turned, it's you two and your hanky panky!" It's like she was chiding and shaming me for dating or having any romantic inclinations. WTF? If I came back late from his place, I would have to sneak in really quiet because if she saw me, she would give me judgmental looks like I was some kind of shameful hussy even though I wasn't doing anything that meets her definition of a hussy.
 
Old April 19th, 2011 #71
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Ha you dont even have to be playing sammy [Farha] for him to put a bad beat on you! anyway i saw him at punk rock bowling at the sunset station like a week ago. He was railing he final table of their poker tournament. But i think he he rooting for his gf or neice or something. he looks way diff in person BTW , he kind of looks like a mexican rosie o'donnel but with classier chest hair.
 
Old April 19th, 2011 #72
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Gee-zus, Leonard, where the fuck do you find this shit?
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Old April 19th, 2011 #73
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As you know I was attending an Indepedent Pentecostal church for 9 months. I was "shunned" for smoking cigs. I haven't gone to any services in 3 weeks. However, today when I came home from shopping I had a voice mail from the pastor's wife (who is the biggest gossip in the church and has a heart of stone, in my opinion) stating that "they" wanted to know how I was doing? (She didn't sound sincere and her voice was sort of laughing). Does anyone have any idea as to why these people are calling me?? I will not return their call - and if they call again and I am home I will not answer the phone. They "shunned" me and now they are calling me - makes no sense to me (mixed messsages). If they hadn't "shunned" me I would have "walked" anyway from hearing the "garbage" they were preaching.

(I am really upset!!!) Are these people out to "get" me or am I just being paranoid? Please does anybody have any idea what these people are up to or want?? Is this just "normal" behavior for these people? I have PTSD and just "hearing" her voice traumatized me. PLEASE HELP!!!!!
 
Old April 19th, 2011 #74
Leonard Rouse
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeTodd View Post
Gee-zus, Leonard, where the fuck do you find this shit?
I lie down with dogs; I wake up with flees.

And I find craziness gratifyingly hilarious.

Last edited by Leonard Rouse; April 19th, 2011 at 04:35 PM.
 
Old April 19th, 2011 #75
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NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean no sex since 1955! Come with me." She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Gotta love military time
 
Old April 25th, 2011 #76
Leonard Rouse
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Does anal sex mess up your insides?
In: Anal Sex [Edit categories]

Answer

It can, but it shouldn't. There are two muscles in your anus, an internal and an external sphincter. If the internal sphincter is damaged, it can cause some issues, even incontinence. However, it shouldn't if anal sex is performed correctly. A general rule of thumb is "if it hurts, it's doing damage." If your enjoying pain-free anal sex, there shouldn't be an issue.





Read more: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Does_anal_...#ixzz1KYiN5hqP
 
Old April 26th, 2011 #77
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Old April 26th, 2011 #78
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Old April 26th, 2011 #79
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex Linder
* special = your post must be limited to snips n clips you have taken from the internet you find funny. not jokes. not your own words. purely discontexted unintentional humor only, otherwise use the other joke thread you paleonitwit.
Nota bene.
.........
 
Old June 6th, 2011 #80
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex Linder View Post
* special = your post must be limited to snips n clips you have taken from the internet you find funny. not jokes. not your own words. purely discontexted unintentional humor only, otherwise use the other joke thread you paleonitwit.
This was intended to be funny, at least the joke anyway, but it's the way the retard tells it, and his explanation beforehand that makes it fit better in here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jolly Rodger
hey i heard this joke and was sick, although it did offend me and this will be the first time i have repetted it

Q What do they use in Germany for speed humps, on the road?

A Jews
http://www.sciforums.com/showthread....283#post746283

Last edited by Soldatul Vostru; June 6th, 2011 at 11:03 PM.
 
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