|November 12th, 2012||#1|
Join Date: Nov 2003
Blog Entries: 34
Self-Interview (Part 1): I'll take and bounce a rock offn your head: An Exclusive Interview with Alex "P." Ruedy Linder
"I'll take and bounce a rock offn your head": Part the First of An Exclusive Interview with Alex "P." Ruedy Linder
Exciting Alex-on-Alex action as A. Linder sits down for a one-on-one interview with Alex Linder for Detached Retina magazine.
Interviewer Alex Linder (i): Do you have any pets?
A. Linder (a): Are you implying I don't have pets?
i) No, I'm asking if you have pets.
a) Why would you ask that unless there was a real chance i didn't have any? only weirdos don't have pets. People like Ted Bundy.
He didn't have any pets. He had plants. Rubber plants. Rubber plants in attractive pots he lifted from airport emporiums.
i) Jeff Dahmer had pets.
a) Are you mocking me? Jeff Dahmer didn't have any pets. A head in your freezer is no pet. You don't have time for pets when you're making sex zombies out of Laotians. i must say i find your questions a little bizarre. I'm not pleased with the insinuations. I think we need to get this interview back on track. "Do I have pets" - really.
i) Do you have pets?
a) You're a persistent little bugger, good for you. (condescending) That's what I like about you. (accompanied by dubious smile) You really stick to it. (clearly bsing) so I'm going to level with you. I do. (ingenuous smile of a charlatan)
I do have pets. Well, a pet.
i) what kind of pet?
a) why are you so obsessed with my pets? You seem like kind of a pervert.
i) Two out of five psychologists agree that a man's pet is the key to grasping his mind, and its bent or set. If you must know (faux-supercilious)
a) (sunny) I find you Szaszy, my friend. That's spelled Szasz. make sure you get it right. It will educe laughter in the 3-4 fanqueers at Detached Retina who get it. Know what I'm saying, bro?
i) Don't call me, bro, bro. Just answer the questions. I'm getting nothing but runaround. Have you ever entertained the proposition you're not nearly as intelligent or funny as you think you are?
a) I don't do much entertaining. I only have three glasses you see.
i) Do you have any pets?
a) I've already answered this.
i) What kind?
a) (sigh...slow...unblinking look...enough time to light an imaginary cigarette, inhale, exhale and tap on ashtray...twists head...a look that is difficult to read steals over his visage) I have a...slug. (eyebrows raise...eyes enlarge...head moves ten degrees toward unupright). Named Damone. Yes. A slug. A leopard slug. Named Damone. It's an outdoor slug. A creature of the night. Like vampires, or Hal Turner (who ruled the night).
i) If it's an outdoor slug, how do you know it exists?
a) Your first good question! I thought you could. Are you a philosopher? It comes in nightly. I put a dash of robin's-egg-blue nail polish on it for identification purposes. I--
i) (interrupting) I'm a little disturbed by the fact you have robin's egg-colored fingernail coater about. (tenting fingernails, affecting a frown that seems affected)
a) I don't think you're horrified at all, Chachi. You look like a pink-herring dragger from way back, truth be sniffed. I'll come clean. I made that up. It's not my job to tell the truth if you don't know the difference. Or is it? Have e'er you pondered that honesty, while affectedly admired by goyim and openly scoffed at by jews, is devolutionary? Is dysgenic? I doubt you have. You seemn't so thoughtful. You seem to be one of these cheap minds that strives to catch people out, as you English say.
(existing default didactic mode) As I was saying before you sperp't me with irrelevant questions about feminine beautification agents, I named said slug Damone because it comes here for the strudel, so to speak. Because I demand satisfaction from my animal companions, no matter how small and unbony, it performs a maid service. Each night it consumes 1/3 its weight in crumbs. Bits of cheese and meat.
i) Aren't slugs vegetarians?
a) Only in the fantasyland you inhabit, like some third weirdo in a Sonic ad. Slugs are carnivorouser than grizzly bears, although somewhat easier to track. This is why their Latin name is lipsus amicure - 'a morsel always on the lips,' if it were.
i) This sounds bogus.
a) Setting up as an expert on Latin, are we? your presumption is obnoxious. I should move to strike you like a poorly chosen word, but I will effort to maintain the classical inward composure of a Greek hero, like Philarbulus, lover of oak trees and oven mitts. When it comes to the classification of natural phenomena, I stand second to Linnaeus, in the estimation of two out of seven imaginary rhino-otolaryngologists. The pope would accept that as evidence, is what i'm saying. And that's all i'm saying. It's not a mouthful, but enough to chew on - for one of your ununlimited mandidular capacity. (snuffling in full and glorious snoot)
i) You shoul--
a) Always with the shoulds, this one. Zip you geshlookler bebububele. The time to yap is gone. The time to slurp is here. I have turned up the heat on some delicious winter soup. To fortify our innards with the salubrious and salty (to be redundant - salt is Health; salt is Life) bone-slime of a well het fowl would please God, did he exist. We must ponder our mutual misgivings, and promise to return to our imbroglio with the dawn of a fresh red moon.
The two depart, regarding each other with looks after David Blaine (a) and that head-shaking, lip-mocking blonde in the gif (i).
Last edited by Alex Linder; November 12th, 2012 at 07:36 PM.
|November 12th, 2012||#2|
Join Date: Nov 2006
"Alex methodically peels away the tough outer layers of Alex's personality like a Jewish billfold and reveals the soft, nougaty center of White racial politics."
-Dave from New York
Writer, editor, publisher and cleaning lady of 'Me, Myself and I' the number 1 magazine (as of this past September) in self-interviewing.
"Alex beat me."
"Alex lethargically goes through the motions and telegraphs his powder-puff questions like Larry King on Dramamine....Alex's late round responses are equally cliched, trite and lacking the peppery snap of days gone by...Time to put these pugilistic posters out to pasture."
-Bert Randolph Sugar
"Tham Dukes! Tham Dukes!"
-Roscoe P. Coltrane
|November 12th, 2012||#3|
Join Date: Nov 2003
Blog Entries: 34